The girl was laying in her bed staring up at the ceiling, unblinking, her long hair streaming out around her. Her tears had made large damp marks on her pillow case. The door was closed; the blinds were drawn.
She was waiting for the pills to take effect.
She wondered how long it would be before she started to drift away. She hoped it would be painless and peaceful – just like in the movies. How long had it been already? It felt like forever.
She thought of her family. Of her brothers and sister. Would they miss her after she was gone? They had never exactly been the closest family. They never hugged or kissed. Never told each other â€˜I love youâ€™. Itâ€™s funny how itâ€™s the small things that really matter.
She thought of her group of friends at school. She was in a big group, but she hadnâ€™t ever really felt very close to any of them. She had felt left out and alone. Would they miss her? Maybe a little at first- but after a whileâ€¦ would they move on and forget her?
She wondered if her pets would even realize she was gone.
A small whimper escaped her mouth.
A few more tears swelled up at the corner of her eye.
She wondered what itâ€™d be like to die. She had gone to Sunday school as a little girl. Had listened to all the endless stories out of the Bible. Back then, she had thought of them as magical and wondrous. But as she had grown older, those stories had been pushed to the very back of her mind.
She wondered if there really was a God. Could He see her now? She had always been told that He was a loving God. That He was her â€˜Heavenly Fatherâ€™. Why had He let her do this? Couldnâ€™t He have sent one of His angels to look after her? Isnâ€™t that what a â€˜lovingâ€™ God would do? She felt anger swell in her heart. Anger at her Sunday school teachers, at the minister, at her family. Anger at God.
Butâ€¦ What if there wasnâ€™t a God?
The anger left as quickly as it had begun. What if this really was the end? And she was about to see it. Would she realise that she was dead? Or would she justâ€¦ end? She couldnâ€™t imagine that little voice in her head being silenced- forever.
All of a sudden she started to feel scared. Her heart beat sped up and her breath came out in short quick gasps. She started to regret having taken those pills. She cried out as she felt a stabbing pain in her liver. Her stomach felt like an acid bath. Beads of sweat started to trickle down her forehead. She could taste bile at the back of her throat. She felt dizzy and uncomfortable.
Many thoughts raced through her head, but only a couple stuck with her.
What if they do all miss me? What will they remember of me? What would my life have been like if I hadn’t taken those little white pills?