A year ago, when I bought my burial plot and put a deposit on my tombstone, I was certain that I was doing the right thing. I only asked God to grant me one thing, and vowed that afterwards I would be willing to carry out my end of the bargain. I was granted the time I wished. Now, that time is over and I realize I no longer have that excuse. But although I already feel lifeless, I’ve discovered that I am too much of a coward to follow through. And, I also realize that God knew all along that I wouldn’t have the courage. Why then did I have to suffer so much loss and pain in the last 5 months? Do I have to (or be expected to) live with the shame of being a coward, and failing at even carrying out my vow? Or is it just another test to see if I can find the courage? If it is a test and I fail it, who else is going to pay the price?
I haven’t been here or posted for 11 months. Since then, I’ve been taking different anti-depressants, and seeing a therapist. Sometimes they just don’t help, but I knew I had to stay to take care of my oldest cat. I know how ridiculous it sounds, and I know there are are people with far worse things to deal with this Christmas night. My plan was always based on my old guy’s death being the initiating event, but in addition, this summer I suddenly lost a younger car to cancer, and then, after adopting a kitten that melted my heart, I had to euthanize her 12 days later after she developed a fatal and contagious disease. I still haven’t gotten over that. Still, I had to stay. Yesterday morning his time finally ran out, and I had to have him put out of his pain. I think I was in shock all day yesterday, but it just hit me that I no longer have a reason NOT to carry out my end of the bargain I made. Maybe I just used my cat as an excuse for my cowardice. Everyone is out of town right now. This sounds so stupid I don’t know if I should even post it. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
After reading some of the replies to my post “What if its God’s plan?”, I’m no longer quite sure if it is His plan. However, my plan included buying a burial plot and headstone without my wife’s knowledge. I paid cash for the plot in the cemetery where my father is buried, and put a deposit on a tombstone that matches his. Whether or not I complete my plan, it is still important for me to see my headstone placed in the cemetery My plan involved getting a credit card (again w/o my wife’s knowledge) to pay for the stone. I do have a pre-approved Am Ex card offer (no interest for 15 months!) that I can send in, and just make minimum payments. But, if I don’t commit suicide in the coming months, and instead die in an accident or from natural causes sometime in the future, no one will know to bury me in that cemetery (about 100 miles away). I don’t know if I should just tell my wife, because when she finally realized how depressed I was a year ago, she wasn’t very supportive (“What, do I have to worry about you know? If you need to take something, go see the doctor”) If I tell her, I fear she will not understand at all, and the already uncomfortable situation at home will become unbearable, which might have the effect of convincing me to finish carrying out the plan and just get it over. What do I do? Should I just continue carrying out the steps of my plan for now, or tell her about the burial plot and gravestone, so that I don’t have to finish paying for it in secret?
I hope I don’t sound like a “holy roller” and I don’t mean to offend anyone, but a year ago, I suffered a loss that I felt was punishment for my vanity. Afterwards, I told God in my prayers, that if he would grant me two things, I would die to atone for the things I’ve done (and haven’t done). First, that he would help my son pass the rigorous physical and medical tests to be awarded an ROTC scholarship, and second, that he give me more time with my elderly pet. My son started ROTC last fall, and a year later, my pet is still hanging in there, but I know time is running out. I’ve already completed several steps of my plan, including buying a burial plot, pre-planning the funeral, putting a deposit on my headstone, and writing all my letters (all without my wife’s knowledge). But then, I was stunned when another poster here, rea3366 apparently carried out his plan to die before New Years, as he hasn’t posted since, and did not reply when I left a post asking if he was still here. I started having second thoughts. Since then, my wife initiated having our wills updated, and with other seeming co-incidences, it seems I’m being gently pushed to follow through with my plan. I’ve visited hundreds of suicide sites and general forums in the last year, and the religiously-themed ones will tell you that God does not want you to kill yourself, but with all that has occurred and near daily reminders of why I made that decision, I guess I’ve come to believe that this is God’s plan for me. Does anyone else feel the same way?
If you’re still out there, check your post from 12-12-14 for a comment from wth_ami that he added on 12-31-14. You and I seem to be “in the same place” and his comment applies to us both. I hope you are still with us, and just haven’t been posting. Its strange that I don’t care what happens to me, but after all you have apparently done for your family and country, I think your death would be a tragic waste. If anyone else has had contact with rea3366 can you post some info?
I’m not sure why I’m feeling the way I am. When I made my decision and came up with the plan, I felt relieved. When I took the first step and bought a burial plot in the small cemetery where my father is buried, I felt I had accomplished something concrete. I already have rough drafts of my letters written, and decisions made on where and how. I’m just waiting for one more (unwanted) event to occur, after which no one will need me anymore. Yesterday I went out and ordered my headstone, which looks just like my dad’s, except that I wanted to put a small cat’s head design in a lower corner, because I’m hoping that somewhere I’ll be re-united with the ones I’ve buried over the years. I just wanted people to be able to tell that I was a cat lover. Then I learned that the cemetery will not allow any non-religious designs anywhere on the stone. It seems like such a minor thing to ask for, yet is such a disappointment. Logically, of course, it shouldn’t bother me, considering I won’t be around anymore and I know I’m doing what has to be done, but I’ve been really bummed out since yesterday and there’s no one else I can tell. If you took the time to read this, thanks for letting me tell someone.
This is a request for advice from those who have had a family member commit suicide. I am attempting to finalize my funeral arrangements so that I can prepay for the services. I have already purchased a burial lot in the small town where my father is buried, about 2 hours from my home town. That town is about 4 1/2 hrs away from where all my in-laws live. I have some distant family members who reside near where I will be buried. I have little contact with my family members in my hometown, and no friends who will miss me. I will soon have no reason to go home anymore, and no ties to my hometown. I have already decided on a painless method which will just let me go to sleep in my car (I’m used to that) and not wake up. My dilemma is where to have the funeral. My mother and father in-law are elderly and the trip to the cemetery would be very hard on them. Although I know my wife would want their presence, which would be more convenient in their city. I am hesitant to have a funeral there, as my wife’s sister is dealing with a very serious health issue with her own daughter, and might not be sympathetic with my wife’s situation. I have already contacted funeral homes in both towns, as well as an on-line funeral service, and obtained options on services and transportation to the cemetery, all of which are comparable, although, of course, there would be no long distance transportation costs to the cemetery if I die in that town, versus in my in-laws city (which was my original plan). Just having the funeral in the town where I will be buried would be more convenient for my adult son and step-sons, who all reside about 2 hrs. away, so that they could be there to support my wife, who has no idea this is going to happen soon. Once the shock wears off, she will be free of me and between my life insurance and pension, financially secure. Please don’t tell me to see a doctor. I am already taking anti-depressants, but will discontinue them once I am no longer needed at home. My notes are already written. I just would like to know in which city it would be best to have the funeral, so that it is less dramatic / traumatic and most quickly over, but still give my family closure.