*sigh*, I don’t even know how to begin. It’s not in our Hispanic culture to give up or speak about our feeling so I don’t know how to start this post.
I’ve always had thoughts of ending my life, but I’ve always been able to suppress them and put them in a corner. Now I just thought of giving up. I am 19 years old, fresh out of high school with no sense of purpose. I work 10 hour days which give me alot of time to think. I think about all my friends who have gone on to college and to forge their lives, while I just push boxes around all night. I want a sense of purpose, I WANT to help the world (There’s so much pain and suffering in the world, If i could ease the pain of someone else that would just brighten up my pitiful life) But alas, I don’t know how. I want to go into the medical field, you know be a nurse or something. but my dumbass probably will flunk out of school. I want to serve in the military, but I am too fat, (use to weigh 305 LBS, currently at 265) I’ve tried everything but I can’t lose the weight. I’m pretty sure I am a laughingstock of my graduating class.
I just want to give up man, I almost did once, I found a handgun in my uncles room but it was unloaded. Now everyday I wonder if i should just off myself, who would care? All my “friends” would show up to my funeral but it wouldn’t mean anything. I just cant do it man. I just imagine the police knocking on the door saying “your son was found dead” and watching my mom breaking down crying. I would feel bad for all those invovled, the underpaid and underespected police officers who would probably be the first on scene, the tired firefighters who would probably declare me dead and coroner who already have to deal with enough death and than having to team lift my obese corpse into that white van, and those other people who in some way where impacted.
Alas, I am in limbo, I am sitting in a beaten up sedan(probably 20 years younger than me), in the cold Arizona air; The night is rather normal, the occasional jet plane flys over on it’s way to Sky Harbor, everyone is in a hurry leaving work, yet I am here with one question. Should continue living or hurt my family by just ending it?