Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had in a long time….think it’s just about put me where I need to be. When I got home yesterday I started crushing my stash of pills….never taken it this far before so maybe I’ll be able to take it all the way this time….there’s no doubt that I will if things in my life keep going the way they are right now.
so tired of everybody and everything….nothing I do seems to be right and everything I do seems to be wrong….I’m tired of trying….tired of failing….tired of pullingÂ myself back up only to be knocked down again….why try? am I stupid or just hard headed? I’m afraid it’s because I still cling to hope that maybe things will get better….and hope is a dangerous thing…it’s what keeps you getting you hurt time and time again….it’s what makes you get back up instead of staying down like an intelligent person….
keep trying to turn things around but they just keep crumbling down….tired of picking up the pieces
Iâ€™m much older than the rest of you but I feel the same wayâ€¦.Iâ€™ve felt this way as long as I can remember. Iâ€™ve always been a loner. Others were happy and I never understood why I never was. Iâ€™m on medication for depressionâ€¦.though I have more bay days than goodâ€¦.explains why Iâ€™m on here huh? Iâ€™ve sat on my bed with a pistol in my mouth and cried many times. The only thing that stopped me was the guilt I knew I would leave behind for my family. Recently Iâ€™ve noticed that I slowly cutting myself off from my family and this scares me. Iâ€™ve done research on all of the drugs Iâ€™m prescribed to see which would be the best one to use to commit suicide. Iâ€™ve made a will and updated all of my life insurance policies. Iâ€™m almost reeady but not quite at the brink.Plus my son is only 16 and I would like him to be an adult if I leaveâ€¦.not that I believe it would make any difference. Everyone I know will be hurt and blame themselves or others. I try to convince myself that everyone would be better off without having to worry about me but that doesnâ€™t work either. My son is afraid Iâ€™ll go to hell if I were to commit suicide. I shocked him the other night when I told him I didnâ€™t really believe in heaven or hellâ€¦..itâ€™s just what you have when youâ€™re living and when youâ€™re gone your energy just dissipatesâ€¦I believe in ghosts more than heaven or hell. Would rather be a ghost than alive.