Tonight is the night. I’ve felt no reason to go to work, no reason to commit to something for more than an hour. Once my father goes to bed I will too. I cannot keep doing this. I’m so sorry.
I’ve been sitting here since Thursday. In this same place on the couch I haven’t moved. Smoking cigarettes like they’re going out of style and drinking booze as if it’s my last time (it should be). I screwed up. Bad and I mean bad. My girlfriend moved out due to my alcoholism as well as being controlling. It never occurred to me that I was so controlling until the end, and why? Why would I put down the person that I loved the most down just to have her leave? I’m a monster. Something in my head seemed to break loose and I lost it. I lost control of my emotions and I can’t undo this. We were taking a break and the agreement was to let each other have space until Thanksgiving. I tried, I really did. Yet I’d still call day after day just to hear her voice, to check in, apologize. I was kicking a dead horse to the point where she wasn’t going to come over for Thanksgiving. I had to accept the fact that we needed room. I did not want to ruin this opportunity. Here I am on the laptop and guess who left their Facebook open? Why do I continue to abuse myself when this should be a wake up call? Why am I so God damn sad? How do I move on? I wish that you would’ve waited for Thanksgiving to talk instead of talking to other guys. I know I did you wrong but I just wish that you would’ve waited.
For the last month or so I’ve been depressed enough to have lost my appetite. Of course it’s not healthy and not having that nutrition makes me generally upset. I try and force feed myself but that usually ends up in only having a few bites. Sadly the only thing that I’ve found to work is to get a buzz going with or without weed! Sure that’s not very healthy either and quite costly mind you. Has anyone felt like myself and have any tips?