last blood moon till 2033.
It should end in the next 30 minutes. Enjoy!
I definitely had my share of trials and tribulations last night. I just don’t know how I feel right now. It’s between understanding and numb. Not completely either one, but maybe somewhere in between of them both. I don’t know if I’m handling my emotions or if I’m hanging on to my sanity. Last night was crazy.
I finally got Jordan to come over and get the rest of his things. Of course he was over prideful, over furious at me and too stubborn to listen, he fought me every second I talked. After begging, he agreed he would talk. We sat down and I talked, while he listened. I cried ,while he watched. And he gave me my share of hell; His thoughts, his anger and his sadness. I confronted him about my inner thoughts of suicide, my depression and how I’m reaching out for help. Even though I’ve tried talking to him before he probably thought I was just doing it for attention but now that he could see me, and feel my pain, I think he finally heard me. He told me I was better than that, he took all my razor blades, and then I asked for a hug. And of course after saying I was able to let him go yesterday, I cried in his arms and begged him not to leave me. And he said he had too. I have really broken his heart and made a wall between us because of what I have done. I hate myself because of it and I know he will never be mine again. My sweetheart will only feel pain towards me now.
I ended up having a panic attack. I begged him to leave me. The more I looked at him and saw him watching me made me cry more. The more he tried to comfort me, the more it hurt. My head got light headed, my hands went numb, I had no control over my thumb or pointer finger. (No idea why either) He said he wouldn’t leave me till I calmed down. It took about 45 minutes if not an hour. He looked at me from across the room, and I said goodbye he could leave now. He walked over to me and said goodbye and started tearing up. I didn’t know what to do! It broke my heart again to see him upset he had been so strong this whole time. He said he wanted to see me again… To give me back the things I had left in his possession. Sitting there I couldn’t bare to go through this again. I told him, to mail them to me. And he broke down. He cried and I have never seen him cry before. He left me hold him for a few seconds. I kissed his cheek and he turned away from me. He didn’t want my love. But I asked for it once more. I asked for a kiss. And he leaned down and kissed me, with his salty tears in all then left. I ran after him to his truck, opened the drivers door and there he sat. His hands cradling his head, crying still. I hugged him and kissed his cheek again till he made me stop. Then he drove off.
I woke up before my alarm went off this morning. It felt as if this all happened 5 minutes ago to me then. It keeps replaying back in my mind. I am sad about it but I feel okay. I got my goodbye. I know he does care. And I know our love was real no matter what anyone says.
I call this day one because this is the first day I haven’t cried in a really long time. I’ve come to believe the fact that Jordan will not come back to me. That who ever wrote the quote, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was always yours. And if it doesn’t, it never was; never dated a stubborn, prideful, Army Ranger.
I can admit I fucked up. I completely screwed up our dreams of marriage, happiness and children. I can say, I never cheated, never thought about it and never wanted anything more in my life than his love. And that’s probably where I went wrong. I was so focused on him I stopped caring about myself. And that’s where my depression probably began. It doesn’t help that my family moved away, that all my friends are happily married and/or with kids. Or the fact that a man I considered a Father to me died within the past month. It also doesn’t help when your boyfriend is TDY for three months and your left alone in a big house with nothing to do. For anyone who isn’t in a military relationship/military brat you probably won’t understand where I’m coming from. And that’s okay.
I called my insurance company yesterday and found I did indeed have Mental Health Benefits! Thank God!! I’ve called two different therapists and left messages to make appointments. I guess their not open… I’m excited to finally let everything out and then be able to let it go. I’ve never gone to a psychiatrist before so I’m hoping I don’t talk about more than just my pain I’m having now because Lord knows I’ve gone through my fair share in my 24 years of living.
one of my friends said she would help me get ready to start college for Spring so I can focus on something. Finally doing me! I do need to go out and look for a second job. I also need to find a new place to live and I currently don’t make a lot of moolah. So I’m hoping all of this falls together sooner than later. I also want to start yoga or getting a PT to help me do something in my spare time.
Ive only been on this site for over two weeks blogging but I’ve followed you all for almost a year. I’ve talked about being sad, lonely, depressed. I’ve shared my secrets. I’ve opened up about my selfharm and my thoughts of suicide. And I’m hoping I can continue ranting and letting go, in hopes of better helping myself and others.
My heart is completely broken. Reality is setting in that I am now single and alone. My heart is pounding but my body feels numb. I can’t even eat, it just makes me feel sick. I’m at work right now wondering why the hell I didn’t just kill myself last night. I can’t handle all of these emotions running through my head. I can’t think straight about what I’m going to do with my life. Leaving is a way out of this all and it seems to be the perfect answer. I just want to be held. I want someone to smooth my hair over my head and just tell me it’s going to be okay. I’m so alone and frightened I can’t handle this anymore.
Thursday night was suppose to be my last night alone. I was suppose to be so excited I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I was suppose to be freaking out all Friday for the moment I got the message to come open my door. Well it didn’t happen. I doubt it will happen today either. I guess I can play with the dogs sometime today before I drink the night away watching SEC.
Is anyone else on here a Military spouse or SOS?
Its my day off. I woke up too early. I cried in bed for probably an hour. No shame in lying about that. I prayed, and I cried some more. I actually made myself breakfast today. But it happened to be in the after noon when I ate it. So I guess I can consider that brunch. I ate in bed… And have been there all day. It’s the place I feel most comfortable.
I feel very numb today. I feel as if I have given up the hope I was holding onto so dearly. Why? I don’t know. Nothing has changed. I tried to cheer myself up yesterday and got my hair done. The girl that did my hair was new to the salon I go too. But thats okay. I didn’t care as long as I could get an appointment and thankfully they had one open. She is 21, from Orlando. Met her boyfriend at church camp in 8th grade. Stayed friends. Did the whole online/long distance relationship. Broke up. And now their back together. She said they’ve been dating for 7 months now. She moved here a month ago for him. And now their happy as can be. Hmph..
It gives me hope to wait. But I’m not 21. My boyfriend is damn good looking. And I’m scared to death he will rebound as soon as he writes me off for sure. And knowing him like the back of my hand… I don’t think he would ever give me a literal second chance. But that’s all thought.
I hate being here. Not physically here as in alive but here, where I am living. I moved here to Alabama for my family. My family left and I decided to stay for a man. Now that the relationship in question could be already over, I have been contemplating many things. Do I stay in hopes of rekindling our love? Do I stay and make a life for myself? Do I go home and give up? Since I don’t actually have a home to go too, where do I want to go? Do I die? Ha. That last one made me laugh. Though I have indeed thought of suicide. I just can’t bring myself to make any decisions yet. I’m still waiting to see what will happen this weekend. Will he come home to me? Will he even come home? I know he has too sooner or later. All of his things are here. But knowing him, he will pick my lock when I’m at work and take his things and go.
I wish I didn’t know of heartbreak. I wish this wasn’t my only good relationship I’ve ever had. I’d really like to go out and find all of my exs and beat the shit out of them for all the horrible things they did to me. To let go of all these bad memories was easy. Maybe I live in denial that I wasnt in bad relationships. That maybe I wasn’t really raped or abused. Or maybe finding a gentleman, who made me fall so deep in love, shown me how I should have been treated for a long time now. I can’t say I’m perfect. I can’t say I’m flawless or beautiful. I can’t say I don’t have baggage. But damn. I want my Disney happily ever after.
I know after EVERYTHING that I’ve been through. At the age I’m at. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to move, find a new home, find a new job, get a new set of friends, find the right man for me. I don’t want to have my life thrown in the wind, trying to run after the pieces, hoping I can catch them in time before they fall in a puddle, get thrown in traffic or even lost in the wind. I just want my life back. I want to fix what I’ve broken. And I want to live. Is that so hard to ask for?
I don’t know how to even begin with how I feel. My heart has been running on overdrive and I’m seriously on E. I can be fine one afternoon or night to turn around and be in agonizing pain the next. My heart literally hurts. I never thought heart break could be so agonizing.
Ive written my goodbye letter. There’s nothing I could say to my family and friends. They wouldn’t understand. They all right now tell me to give it time, leave him alone. I just wish he would talk me down from this ledge I’m on. I’ve called, emailed, texted, Skyped. He ignores me on them all. I told him I was in a dark place. That I needed my best friend back. And he wouldn’t even flinch.
It’s crazy how last week he called the cops on me for being depressed and admitting I wanted to hurt myself. And now I’m in a all time low, worst than before, and he just blows me off.
I know I’ve hurt him and pushed him past his breaking point. But I just want to make things better. I want to rebuild our life, our dreams. I want him to feel good about himself and our relationship. I want to laugh again and be whole. I want him back so bad.
I know how I’m gonna do it. I know the song that’s going to be on repeat. I know he won’t come back. I know he has nothing to do with me. But this his love is everything to me. He put me up so high and now I’m so low. I can’t just be okay. I can’t just bounce back from this. I’ll never find someone who cared about me more than he did. I’ll never want to be touched by someone else. If I walk away and decide not to do this. I’ll be in town full of strangers. I won’t have any family here. Just me against the world.
Im tired of walking down the broken road.
I’ve been at work since seven
I haven’t been able to even think about work clearly, because my mind is reminding me about my relationship
Reminding me of how stupid I am
How being a female, who’s over emotional already, shouldn’t act crazy for attention
How I made the love of my life walk away from me
How I asked him to please come back to me and he told me I was killing him…
but little does he know is that he’s killing me.
I found a box of razor blades.
one cut for every time I’ve called
their not big or deep cuts but they hurt
I’m not good at pain
idk what to do
I feel like I need to punish myself for what I’ve done except I want to do more I’m just scared
He comes home in a week
if he won’t work it out with me I don’t want to live without him
how crazy does that sound?
i know it is. I’m young. I can redo my life. But I don’t want too. I don’t want to be without him. We planned for marriage and babies and living together on a farm. My dreams are ruined my life is over if he doesn’t come back.
im so lost