lifes at a wierd stage right now for me. i think its getting pretty bad if i hate the word life. makes me think of how long and horrible mine would be, last night i tried again. but every fucking time i do all that pops in my head is my nephews and neice and my mother and how it would affect her and one time i tried and i thought it was too late then passed out for 3 days and woke up thinking you silly girl wtf is wrong with you how could you put that stress and pain on your family, so therefore hated myself more and more… still do but my medication dosage was put up and i geuss ill just hang on for a bit more amd see if this shit works
stop this pain, im so tired of it i want to sleep at a normal time again i want to laugh again and i want to be genuinely happy again not just fake happy to the cashier so she doesnt think im some snobby *****,,my motto is fake it till u make it, i havent made it yet,been faking it for years no change. just someone help me, please..
i cant close my eyes or im too scared, im scared to fall asleep.. and every male thats in my life or that i pass on the street regardless if i know they are good people and wouldnt hurt me i still get so nervous. its hard to admit this but i even got scared around my own father. and i KNOW that he would never ever do such a thing but from the day that i was sexually assaulted i just cant trust anyone. i trust four people that i can be around and not get scared, that is my mum, two of my sisters and my bestest friend. i dont even trust myself because i think about hurting me all the time. i think writing my feelings here are really helping me though. amazing how just doing this has taken the edge off my thoughts and pain.
im so alone…i have a big family but yet im still so alone. if im being honest i dont know what to do anymore, idont want to be selfish and take my own life i wish to never put my family through such a hard thing, but i dont know how much longer i canlive, all i wanna do is just scream, everything im typing i want to scream. but im also trying to stay strong for my family i cant show that im actually suffering this much, i feel stuck. because i know that i cant do this but the suicidal thoughts seem to be winning me over at the moment, im living day by day. and theres good days sometimes well maybe good hours…itll be too long to explain my full feelings and situation, if u read it thankyou it means quite alot