Its been awhile since I was last on here..still feeling the same but at least the thoughts of suicide have gotten better. But I don’t feel better about myself at all and its just getting worse in terms of that. I feel like the I’m the biggest idiot because I allowed myself to have feelings for someone that I probably should of, I made the mistake of being friends with benefits with one of my oldest friends. At the end of the day thats all he’ll ever want is just sex he wont want to be in a relationship with me, I mean why would he? He already has sex with me and I treat him like gold. All of this and he doesn’t have to be in a relationship with me and I guess thats what hurts me most is because at the end of the day I actually love and care about him. I wish he knew the amount of pain this causes me, not knowing something is one of the worse things a person can go through because you find yourself going through every possible good and bad scenerio and your just hoping for the best of the situation…but when it comes down to it how often does that happen?.
That’s my question..will it get better? I don’t think I ever felt so depressed in my life before and it bothers me to no end because this isnt who I am. People who met me know me to be always smiling, cheerful, and over all happy but behind closed doors I’m a complete mess and just not myself. I wish I didn’t care about people as much as I do because maybe I wouldn’t give second chances to people who didn’t desereve it, maybe I wouldnt take everything to heart but in all honesty thats my biggest issue is that I take EVERYTHING to heart. Lifes getting harder to live day by day, finding something that makes me over all happy is slowy drifting away and I dont know how much longer I can go on for.
Well I don’tknow what to say or where to start, but I guess just letting it all out is a start, so here it goes. I’m a 22 year old female and at the age of 22 I never knew I would of felt the amount of pain as I have this past few years. Past few weeks all I been thinking about is sucide, why should I go on? I can barley handle the pain because of this depression its like a disease that will never go away from the feel of it. I been thinking of different ways to do it overdosing, jumping off something, getting hit by a car and so on because its become so difficult for me to live. I started college this year and fell in love with my program but due to a unexpected surgery and depression on top of it I had to drop out..I honestly felt even more so hopeless and lost so I just threw myself into work trying to run away from the problems. That only made it worse…by throwing myself into work I allowed myself to open up to people I never should have thinking they were my “friends” now I’m the talk of work constanly being made fun of behind my back, things being said that I’m too pushy, I’m boring, all I talk about is guys,Â and etc. I guess at the end of the day I’m just lonely and want someone to just fill that void because my biggest fear in life is to be alone and having to deal with that on a daily basis is killing me inside. I’m just overly awkward and have a hard time making conversation with people and on top of it just overly friendly when I honestly dont mean to be. I want to change I don’t want to care so much anymore, or be so friendly but that means changinging everything about myself but maybe its worth it?
I know my mom sees somethings wrong with me but I can’t talk to her about it shes going through her own depression for her to know what I’m going through will just kill her inside because I’m her rock…I’m suppose to be the strong one the one that is always smiling and is happy but lately that hasn’t been me. I can’t take my parents aruging and hearing my mother say she wants to see my father drop dead that she wouldn’t care…hearing that just broke my heart. I know I shouldn’t worry about my parents but at the same time its family and family means everything to me depsite what may happen over the next while. During times like this I wish I had a friend to talk to someone I felt 100 percent comfortable with, well I kinda do but at this point they’re too busy with there own lives to even help me out. I have to get through this on my own but I don’t know if I can, if I were to die tonight just fall asleep and never wake up I think I be more then happy with that idea because it means I wouldnt have to go through another day of pain, another day of having anxiety attacks, of feeling horrible physically and mentally just finally at peace. I don’t understand why I’m going through this..I’m a good person I care about others and help out a friend in need in every way possible even strangers I try to help but despite all this I’m where I am now. Feeling depressed, hopeless, confused, lost and over all the feeling of wanting to die hasn’t left me in a few weeks.Â I don’t know what to do anymore…its just getting worse and worse at this point I don’t know how much longer I can last for.