I’m never good enough for my dad, and he doesn’t care what happens to me. My girlfriend of 1 and a half years doesn’t even act like were together. I barely survived my first semester of college. I’ve delved into a depression. I’ve become so socially withdrawn I go days without talking. I stay in my room all day. I sleep for around 12 hours a night because I have nothing to wake up for. This is the last night I’ll feel like this.
I’m in college in my first semester just taking gen eds and it is going quite well. I have just finals left, but as of now I have a 4.0 (granted I have the best teachers in the world). I’m living at home right now because my community college is right down the street, and it’s the best I can afford. I was looking up degrees and found out that nursing fits me perfectly, however because I am attending community college, the four year colleges around me won’t accept me because I am doing my first two years at the community college. That’s fine with me because I wanted to go for my associate’s in nursing at the college I’m at now, but there are a few problems. My dad will kick me out on the streets because I wouldn’t be going to go for my bachelor’s, and the clinical courses at the college sometimes run on weekends, and because I’m in the National Guard, I work for a weekend a month, meaning I can’t do the program. Not to mention, because of the way some of the courses are wired, I can’t be a full time student which means my dad would kick me out. He’s the only one I can live with, and I’ve though about transferring to a 4 year, but I can’t afford it (by the way Mo National Guard is cutting funding so my college is no longer paid for), and I can’t take loans because my father is the only one who I can have cosign, and he refuses. I’m going to end up going for a bullshark degree that I don’t want and will get me nowhere, and all I have is the passion for helping people…I don’t know what to do and there’s now way out. I can’t live my life doing something I hate.
I’m 18 and live with my father. I’m going to community college at the moment, and in order to stay in his home, one of the conditions I must meet is that I have to be pursuing my bachelor’s degree. I first tried nursing which I was extremely passionate about, but I was not making good enough grades to get into the nursing program at the 4 year college that I would attend next. I was making a C in anatomy when they said I had to have an A, and as a result I dropped out and now I’m going for a criminal justice degree, but have chosen this degree just so I’m doing something, so I don’t get kicked out. No other degrees interest me in the slightest. Criminal justice does slightly, but it doesn’t interest me that much. I though about doing an LPN program, as the grade requirements are not as strict, but my father won’t let me. I’m going to pursue a degree that I really don’t want, and I’m not looking to be a cop or anything, and my father won’t let me pursue my dreams. I feel so alone. I’m going to hate the rest of my life, and not to mention that I have an irrational fear of becoming homeless. Criminal justice jobs are hard to get and my dad will throw me out if I don’t have a job before graduation. I don’t want to live like that.
2o14 has been the worst year of my life. My psycho girlfriend miscarried our child in the beginning of this year and I have never been the same. I’ve gone from being a social, funny, out going guy, to someone who stays away from everyone and doesn’t want to do anything anymore. I tried doing nursing in college, which is what I really wanted to do, but failed out and am going for a degree in criminal justice with intent to be a police officer, but I don’t have the best past which might keep me from being one and I’ll end up wasting my time. I’ve become a disappointment to my entire family. My girlfriend doesn’t let me talk to any of my girl friends. emphasis on the space. Every time I’m down and talk to her about it, she calls me annoying and stupid. I have jerk friends who just want to hang out so they can see me get drunk and laugh at me. They all make plans without me and stab me in the back. I am also in the MO National Guard and am about to head out for 6 months of training, but with social anxiety now, I am deathly terrified. None of this even seems too much to be concerned about, but there is a lot more detail, and I just don’t want to waste anyone’s time. I just wanted a place to right this down in case I decide to take my own life tonight or sometime soon, so I guess thanks for reading although it won’t really matter for me.