I am now in college. It has been 3 years since I’ve lost my dad. Its been a hard three years. I am trying so hard to make it in this adult world. I never knew I would be this stressed out. I have been finding so many grey hairs. I am only eighteen. This is crazy. Sometimes I want to give up. There are so many days when I can’t find a way out of my bed to get to class. Last semester I did horrible. I lost my $9,000.00 scholarship. It broke my heart. I don’t know where I’m going to school next year. I don’t know if I can afford to stay here or not. I’m sad and scared. Last week, they found someone that hung himself in my dorm. I didn’t know how to feel about it. I didn’t know him but it scared me because I know it can be done now. I don’t think I could kill myself. It scares me too much. I’m afraid of what will happen after I die. I have also gained so much weight in the past two years. I am going to try to go on a diet but I know it’s going to turn into something completely unhealthy. I don’t know what to do anymore…
This time of the year is literally so hard. It is hard for me to concentrate. I hate making excuses for myself but I just try to close up this time of year. Daddy has been gone for three years now and it doesn’t get any easier. I miss him so much. There are so many anniversaries this time of year. Nov. 29th, 2012, the day I had to call the cops on my own mother because she tried to fight me in the street. Nov. 30th, 2012, the day my daddy died in my arms. Dec. 8th, 2012, the day I planned, all by myself, to remember my dad. I went back to my church for the first time. Dec. 12th, 2012, my first day back to school and the night I tried to kill myself. The night I put myself in the hospital for twelve days. This makes Christmas Eve so hard because that was the day I got out. I had to readjust to life. I had to know that people looked at me differently. I’m the “disappointment” the “emo kid that tried to kill herself” when in all reality I was just a grieving daddy’s girl who missed her father. I still wish I could die sometimes. I’m in college now and it’s one of the hardest things ever. There is nothing familiar here. I am so secluded. I’m failing most of my classes. I have my last final in forty minutes and I just can’t study. I can’t concentrate. I’m suffering on the inside. I just want to go home to my daddy and him hug me and tell me its all going to be okay. I love him so much…someday this will all be over..
So…after many struggles and trying to lift myself up off of the ground and many blessings, I have finally made it. I MADE IT! I am so proud of myself. As much shit as I’ve been through and I’ve actually made it so far. I lost my dad, I lost my mom to drugs, I lost my house, I lost my dog, I was put in a total strangers house who only wanted me for a paycheck. I made it through high school all by myself. I applied to college all by myself. I am MAKING it. I still have moments where I feel like I want to relapse on my cutting but then I am able to look at my room…my college dorm room and I tell myself. WOW, I’m going somewhere. It is so hard. I love my daddy and I know he is still here with me….
My foster mom is so fucking hateful. I begin to take charge of my life, and she flips shit. I’m seventeen. I applied to take a nursing class at tcc so I can have a decent job in college and she freaked out and reminded me about how none of my family cares about me. About how i’m so alone in the world. I cried and cried….One more year.She got mad because “ever since I got back from my grandparents, I’ve acted like an adult”, which is her excuse to tear me down and rip me apart. I’m not gonna let her get to me. I have more important shit to deal with. I’m trying to get into college. I can’t wait to fucking leave….None of these jackasses are worth my time.
I went down to my grandparents house. They were nothing but loving and generous. My grandpa gave me a 2012 GMC canyon….I love him so much. I’m always doing something there. going to church. working the food pantry. I even spent the night at the church with a homeless family project. We go to lions club meetings. We always have breakfast lunch and dinner. it is absolute paradise. Today was my first day home. I’ve already contemplated self harm multiple times. No body missed me…they made sure I knew it. The dining room looks like shit (I cleaned it before I left and its been three week). there is so much laundry I must do. School is about to start. I can’t handle this…ugh…I just needed to type it out before I did something I may or may not regret.
my friend introduced wicca to me and i’m soooo interested in it…we even did a séance to my dad…it was soooo emotional. I would like to start practicing but I have no idea where to start and me and her have lost connection….any ideas or references???
im at this point where I just want to end it all.
the only bad thing is, i’m trying so hold to hang on.
most people say, well if you had time to write this, then you aren’t going to do this.
I want to so bad but I don’t want to.
I want to die so I don’t have to deal with these people anymore
so I don’t have to feel sad anymore
but I can’t wait for the day I leave for my grandparents house.
that’s the only reason i’m holding on.
I just wany yhis pain to end.
I don’t WANT to die, but that’s the only way I know how to make it all go away.
Two nights ago, i was showering because i wanted to self harm so bad and they told me to use that as a coping skill…it worked, until i started shaving my legs hard and fast because I was thinking about it…took a whole chunk of my leg off….good thing it looks natural. I don’t know what I should do for my coping skills anymore. I used to love showers cuz they made me so tired but I always have to shave in them and it just sucks to be around razors right now. any suggestions?
I want love but I don’t know how to obtain it. I had a boyfriend for 2 years…I just feel so lost now. It’s been long enough to move on…he’s moved on. I just don’t know how to anymore.
my best friend sent me this last night….
Wrists that are o so pearly and white,
they urk me with temptations to end this life.
Blades of silver and wrists of white,
bring me no pain as i return home tonight.
Quick to pass judgement and quick to fight,
one more cut should do just fine……
One line for the hurtfull things you said,
never again will i hear them in my head…….
Two lines for the times you brought me pain,
one more cut and ill end this game…….
Three lines and I start to go blind,
as blood red crimsen starts to rush out of my lines,
I have two last words before I die i guess they will be
I wonder what would happen if I just said goodbye. If I just went away…I haven’t been happy since daddy passed away. He was the only one that made me feel loved….How do I get better? How do I release? My wrist craves the nick of a razor but I just can’t give in.