Who else is 22? I’ll even include 23 because I’m turning 23 this year. I feel way older though. Life.
where’s my share where’s my piece where’s my side I need comfort I keep trying nothing’s working everything is falling apart no matter how much I try to hold it together I always come back to this because life will always remind me that I’m not worth anything I’m just a nobody and that is okay until the money needs to be made where’s the money everything is about money I’m so tired I work all the time and it is wearing me down I’m falling apart I’m breaking down slowly even though I try to keep it together I try I try I really do but sometimes it’s just too much and I remember that none of this matters when I’m just gonna fall again and again and where’s my piece where’s my bit where’s my offering where is it why does nobody offer because I’m a tool I’m just usable I’m disposable I’m worn I’m worn I’m worn and I’m tired and tired and sad and tired please
I spend a lot of my day floating. It feels like I’m outside of this body.
The other day, I clocked out of work and suddenly found myself looking at the ropes. They had all different kinds. For different weights. I’m a heavy bastard. Need something strong to keep me up.
The basic white rope looked good. Wish I had the guts to actually purchase it, go home, and just hang myself.
I have things I want to do. But it feels like I’ll never get to do them. I’m waiting for the next downward spiral. Waiting. To float.
I want to thrive. I want to live. I want to enjoy my life.
But it seems like when I am just getting better, everything around me crumbles and I’m back where I started.
I wish I wasn’t so poor. Money is everything.
I want to sleep. But I fear waking up with anxiety eating at me again. It’s like this every night. I want calm sleep. I want to be held first thing in the morning. I want peace. I don’t want to have a thousand thoughts to wake me.
I wish I could enjoy my nightmares. I need to embrace them.
I hate how weak I feel. I have so much anxiety and overthink everything. If there’s something different in my life, it takes me so long to get adjusted. I go numb. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t enjoy music. Everything is grey. Until I slowly crawl out of the shadows to try and enjoy life again. But then another thing comes along and it starts all over again. I hate going numb. It’s like I’m screaming and nobody can hear me. It drains my energy. I just want a simple life.
I wake up anxious. Nothing is happening yet I feel like I’m going to die.
Isn’t it strange that I crave death yet I fear I will die?
His blood flows in my veins. I am ashamed of being his. Please just keep that man away from me. All he ever does is bring me down. If he loved me the way he said he did, he wouldn’t have done this to me. He put me in this mess. I am ashamed of myself for not saying “no” or standing up for myself. Why can’t I say it?? Why is it so hard???
He is no longer mine. I refuse to let him back into my life. I never want to see him again.
Fool me once. Twice. Countless times. I’m a fucking fool. An idiot. Useless. Garbage.
I need to dispose of myself already. Why haven’t I done it? I am. A coward.
My mother admitted to me that she tried to abort me by taking pills a woman gave to her. She could have gone to a clinic and done it. I wouldn’t have been born. I wouldn’t be suffering. I wouldn’t be here, slaving away to make green paper. My whole body hurts from the constant worrying. I am a worrier. My anxiety drains me. Panic attacks come and go. They chip away at my soul. I’m so tired.
Waking up panicking. Going to sleep thinking and thinking. My brain won’t shut up. I tried the medications but they only do so much.
I should do my mom a favor. Kill myself to finish the job. Maybe then she’ll be proud.
I have been thinking about suicide for over 10 years now. I’m only 22. I fucked up. I will be a slave for the rest of my pathetic life. Money is everything. My life has always been about money.
I was born poor. I will die poor. I will owe money until I’m dead. I doubt I’ll even have enough to get cremated the way I wanted…
My life is a series of small ups and big, spiraling downs. I see a bit of light and something kicks me down to remind me that I’m nothing but trash. I should stay down like the dog that I am.
I just keep getting used. Why do I let myself? I don’t know. It’s gotten me this far.
Why am I still here?
I just wanted a simple life.
I’m honestly just so tired.