How do crickets make noise all night? I don’t know how, but a cricket made its way into the room beside me, it’s pretty loud. Ah, there it goes again; it had stopped for a moment because I went out there to look for it. Like, dude, there’s no cricket girls down here, you’re in a basement, hush your stupid legs.
I’m getting ready to go, and my ma is speaking rudely to me, despite me not giving her any attitude. She’s been a horrible person (alcoholic) to me and my brothers. She says, “You’re not coming if you’re going to be in a bad mood.” Fine. “Alright, I’m not going to go.” She snaps at me. She knows that I have suicidal thoughts and self-destructive tendencies + the fact that I got hammered last night. Why doesn’t she care? This isn’t normal for a 15-year-old. I keep pushing, waiting for her to notice. She doesn’t notice. I have low blood sugar, that’s why I’m in a bad mood. Fuck you. This is why I want to fucking drink. Nobody ever cuts me any fucking slack.
I had some Tito’s last night, half a mug of the stuff. Fast forward half an hour later and I can barely stand, I’m calling my friends and weeping, and everything’s spinning. I woke up on my bedroom floor at 3 in the morning, laying in my fucking throw up. I took a shower with my clothes on. When I fell on the floor, I hit my nose. 0/10, would not do again. And don’t even get me started on how I feel now, I threw up twice already, and all my friends are asking if I’m okay.
I’ve got a bag of Wendy’s, some music playing in the back, I’m just chilling on my bed and yet there’s a little part of me that is unsatisfied. I have nothing missing from my life right now; I should feel 100% happy. It seems like I can never be grateful for what I’ve got. I’ll say I’m grateful but a part of me will always find a way to complain about something.
I’m always feeling dreamy: I just listen to some lofi and zone out for hours, thinking. I want to live in a studio apartment in New York. And there would be a little window overlooking the lights, and I’m just smoking weed w/ a friend or my girl on the bed, just talking about life. Life could be beautiful… I still think it is, I just can’t find it right now.
“I can feel myself dissolving, but I’m too tired to care… this music is nice, I’ll just lay here for a bit.”
I dunno. I can’t tell anyone I know about how I feel because they don’t take it seriously. I don’t blame them; imagine being a teenager and a friend tells you that they don’t want to live anymore. It would be stressful. I don’t want my burdens to be on others, and I am going to therapy, but I just wish I had a friend who understood that I just want to talk and chill about feelings and meaningless bullshit. I don’t need the same old, sappy line or those things that everyone says because they don’t know what to say: Suicide is a heavy word. “You have so much to live for,” is a common thing I hear if I confide in someone. The thing is, I want to take my life because I feel like I have nothing to live for.
You know that feeling you get when you just want to walk and walk until your feet ache and you feel like you’re home? It’s like a feeling that nags at you constantly, it makes you feel helpless and it makes you just want to lay on the floor and listen to sad music. It’s like a… constant feeling of shame and self-loathing; for no reason. I feel like I’m crumbling; spiraling down into pure apathy.
I just want to feel at peace, I want to feel good. Though, my mum is getting a shit ton of alcohol before school starts because I insisted on having “one last night of fun before school starts.” We both laughed, and she agreed. I’m gonna get fucking blasted: Thank god for drinks. I’m a loser and my self-loathing is so low that I’ll fuck with my brain development for a moment of bliss. If I had access to drugs, you bet your ass I would be doing them. Well, school is starting and there’s a bunch of druggies in my school. Maybe I can ask for a favor.
I always take walks at like 12 at night because I’m just sorta, looking for my death. I’m too much of a ***** to kill myself so I want someone else to do it for me. I don’t care what happens to me anymore. I just want to not exist anymore. Hey, at least I’m working out most nights. Oh and by the way, if you like funny things (who doesn’t?) you should totally watch Elvis’ the Alien’s commentary on the movie “Swamp Ape”: It’s the funniest shit ever.
why do I always get fucking moodswings
whatever, I’m just here to complain like always. I felt great like two hours ago but now I just feel melancholy. I don’t feel happy, even if there’s something I like, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel mad, I just feel distant; I feel like I’m on autopilot, watching my body move around and do things while I just feel like a shell.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to see this side of my dad that I fucking hate. He goes on these political rants when he sees something that pisses him off and just spews off at the mouth about how marriage is meant for a man and a woman. But he makes homophobic comments and I’m a lesbian (he doesn’t know, for obvious reasons). Whenever I see him or I’m around him, I just get sick. He comments on the way I dress (men’s clothes, joggers, t-shirts, sneakers), he comments on me having short hair (it’s down to my shoulders for Christ’s sake). My mom remembers a time when a 16-year-old Britney Spears was on the T.V, and my dad said he would fuck her. A 16-year-old! That’s fucking pedophilia! I have to go to his house tomorrow to sleepover and I don’t want to, I don’t want to be near him anymore, he disgusts me and tries to tell me how to act and look; I feel like I’m just an object and since I don’t look like a “pretty” girl (long hair, feminine clothing, feminine way of carrying myself), he just shits on everything I do. But then, he tries to change his mind about everything because he can tell it makes me self-conscious, so he’ll change his opinions. Example: “I don’t care if a guy and a guy get together or a girl and a girl, but I think it’s wrong for them to marry.” When it’s so obvious he just doesn’t like it at all! Imagine going into a house and staying there for three days, knowing that if your father knew you were a lesbian, he would get mad and disgusted Sorry, this is long, I’m just stressing about a lot of things right now.
I’m going to make a mural in my room and I’m lacking ideas; anyone have ideas?
Summer is awesome, but I’m tired of doing the same thing everyday and doing the same thing every night to pass the time. I want to pass the time because I don’t want to sleep. I’ve played this game too much and I’m tired because I know next summer will be just as boring. But, I still complain during school. There’s no winning with me, I guess.
What the hell is wrong with me? I was so depressed yesterday night and now I feel like I’m on top of the world, or at least I feel good. I was ready to kill myself and now I’m like “oh, no thanks,” to that idea. That just shows you how easily your mind can change and how I shouldn’t act on impulse.
I usually have something going on that makes me not want to die. Well, I want to die every night but I have something stopping me. Not now. Nobody’s home, I went to sleep at seven in the morning and woke up at 8 at night. I feel pathetic. My brothers are asleep. My mom isn’t home and she’s probably going to drunk when she gets home. There’s nobody stopping me, my mom would come home to my dead corpse. I find myself fantasizing every night about all the ways I could kill myself. See you tomorrow.
Well, I watched Cannibal Holocaust and I feel like shit. I mean, I expected this. I read reviews, watched videos about it, and I’m not sensitive to graphic content. But, this was so… gross. I’ve seen Saw and that movie didn’t come close to how immoral I felt. It wasn’t the gore, it was all the rape and just, sexual torture. It was horrible. Don’t fucking watch Cannibal Holocaust.
I literally don’t want to fucking do this anymore. That nauseating feeling that makes me want to rot away is constant nowadays. I am so drained. I don’t fucking care about myself anymore. I’m such a piece of shit. I’m not insecure about my appearance, it’s not that type of feeling. It’s me. I am fucking worthless as a person. I’ve been depressed my whole life. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Someone could break down my down and shoot me in the fucking face and I wouldn’t care. And why do I find it funny?
I’m a bit stressed because my ma is showing signs that she is depressed and dissatisfied with life. She’s in her mid 40’s, ex-alcoholic, and I fucking hate her sometimes. But, I almost feel like telling her she should get therapy instead of me because I don’t want her to end up killing herself and I’ve got to live with my dad. I’d rather kill myself than her kill herself. She should get therapy instead of me.
If someone has something I want, I become resentful of them and talk shit about them. I hide my insecurities with unwarranted hatred, just like my mum. I never wanted to be like her, but I am. I’m brash, I talk shit constantly about people that I’m jealous of, and I drink. (im a minor but my mum doesn’t care) I love that little buzz I get even after just a beer or two and it’s like nothing can bother me. And if I have more than two? I’m on top of the fucking world, baby.
Does anyone (in their mind when they think something is unfair/stupid) use their fucked up past/ traumatizing experiences as an excuse to do fuck all and rationalize every bad choice they make?
Nobody gave a shit about me when I was struggling. I feel like I have the right to not do schoolwork and be apathetic towards everything related to school, I have the right to treat my mom like shit because she did the same thing to me and my brothers when we were younger, I have the right to take a fucking break with everything because I never got one when I was younger. But, I don’t have that right. I can’t just act the way I want: But I do.
And does it really matter in the long run? I plan on killing myself before I’m an adult, maybe I will, maybe I won’t. All I know is that if I don’t, adulthood is going to whip my fucking ass because I’ve wanted to kill myself my whole life. I’ve never prepared for adulthood.
Well, I did it. I filled out an application and now I’m waiting for a response.
I feel pretty good about the application, to be honest. But, I’ll just have to wait and see.