I’m sick. Had an appt. with the surgeon today. Blah blah blah, more tests, blah blah blah.
Just ended a 10 year relationship. He didn’t want to marry me. Or live with me. Or commit to me in any meaningful way.
I want to feel better. I want to go on with my life and get medical treatment and be okay. I really do.
I just don’t think I have the strength to survive the pain I’ll have to go thru to come out the other end. Mental pain physical pain. All of it.
Maybe I’m a coward. Maybe I’m just broken and exhausted.
Suicide prevention sites say you feel suicidal when you have more pain than coping resources. Get more coping resources.
I don’t think I can do that. I’m in too dark of a place to reach out to my shrink or friends or family.
I don’t want to talk to anyone. I HATE everyone right now. I hate crossing guards and bicyclists. I hate check out clerks. I hate nurses in doctors offices. I really, really HATE doctors.
I don’t want to explain. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to expend the energy to speak.
I don’t think I want to die. Well, I don’t want to hurt the people who love me and need me.
But I don’t know how to survive at this point. I am shutting down.