I am depressed.
I am an insomniac.
I have an obsessive compulsive nature.
I am paranoid.
I can’t cope.
It’s been said that admitting your faults, admitting your issues, is one step on the way to recovery. But when your 2 million steps below the surface, one step doesn’t make that much difference.
I can admit to you, to anyone, those 5 things. I feel understand how those 5 things are related to me. I could even give you examples of how they come across in my every day life.
None of this makes me feel remotely better. What used to make me feel better was alcohol and other self-destructive materials. I no longer smoke/do anything silly, and i rarely drink. And to be honest, it has made my life a whole lot worse.
I feel i live in a dream world. The process of waking up from sleep, physically hurts my head, therefore i tend to try and go as long as i can without sleeping no matter what anybody says. Time of day has little bearing on me at all. It’s all the same. The activies i have: eating/grooming/looking after myself/socialising/entertainment/creativity/excercise, can be done at any time of day or night in the world i live in. I can’t defrentiate between day and night other than the light or heat.
One of the main side effects [which has in fact saved my life] is that i can’t be bothered. I can’t be bothered to do ANYTHING. I can’t be bothered to kill myself. Sometimes i can’t be bothered to sleep. I can’t be bothered to socialise either.
The smallest things i find hard to cope with. Like having to have a shower in the morning before getting dressed. I can’t put clean clothes on if i haven’t showered. Hence if i can’t cope with having to shower and dress and show my face to the world.. i don’t. I put my dressingown on, and my slippers, i sit down in front of the TV call in sick at college, and curl up in a ball half watching some monotonous sitcom with it’s canned laughter and easy punchlines, or a tv drama [most likely reruns of crime dramas like miss marple/diagnosis murder] or those fabulous Hallmark movies full of crap acting, but easy to watch. I have to have easy things to watch. I can’t cope with hard terror or seriously scary/fast paced storylines.
This is why i wonder at my inability to cope. I don’t know what there is in my life that i need to cope with… my life is easy. I live at home. I pay no bills. My mom is a career freak who is never around. My sister is a hygiene freak of a 14 year old who cleans the house whenever she can. I go to college for 14 and a half hours each week, studying A levels which i find reasonably unchallenging. The rest of my time i spend as described previously: barely conscious on the couch. It is of no surprise to many that i study media. I consume so much of it on a daily basis. Right now its pushing 1am i’m sat watching a rerun of Only Fools and Horses with a bowl of cheese and apple…
Honestly with my lack of movement your probably thinking im insanely fat. Well i’m not. I’m a big fan of walking. I walk lots. I have a dog that i walk twice a day, i often go for walks late at night to get away from the sounds of the TV or games i lose myself in. Im not fat. To be fair, i drink copious quantities of some herbal crap my mom thinks will make me sleep, but instead just speeds up my metabolism tenfold. And if i want to eat, i have to go to the shops because my mom still lives in the days where food was rationed… she still buys the exact same quantities of meat and sugar that her mom would buy during the war… and anyway the shops are often hard to cope with.. so its either cooking a beef joint[or whatever you call it] or mixing up some kind of sauce to go with rice. Cheese and crackers and fruit is the way i normally go. And if i ever go shopping, i buy as much as i can carry home, to save me needing to go again. I do drive… ihave my liscence i even have a car my ex-stepdad gave me, but i just find it too daunting, the walk calms me anyway after having to concern myself with small talk at the tills, and annoying shop workers offering samples of things. I rarely try anything new. I regret to say im not a fan of change. Hence i will buy the same thing usually without looking at new brands/new foods… i think i’m like my mother in that way.
So back to the suicidal bit. Theres my story for you. Thats the life i lead. See it is possible to hate life, and still live it. And if your lucky enough to have large quantities of free time i would probably suggest socialising as much as possible.. i sometimes talk to the milkman if im up and about when he’s doing his rounds, but again, its just one tiny step up a 2 million step ladder… if i ever reach the surface i’ll tell you. But if i’m honest all i can see of my life, is getting some mundane job that pays the bills, a small flat, and a new den for myself where i can hide away what hours i don’t spend at work, untill i die. And i will die one day. Whether it is self inflicted death i do not know.. suicide is in my mind all the time so its a definate possibility. But given the lifestyle i lead, my lack of any decent concentration or cognitive awareness, i’m just as likely to get hit by a bus… or a milkman maybe?