I login again to this website, after depression and suicidal thoughts begin to creep back into my head after almost a week of feeling fine. I haven’t been here in quite some time.
My drinking habit has not lessened, in fact I’ve drank more these last two weeks than I had all year yet. My behavior has gotten stranger and stranger once drunk. My boyfriend picked me up from the bar and my anxiety and insecurities clicked on so savagely once I realized what a fool I had made of myself, that I proceeded to jump out of a vehicle moving at least 20 mph. He stayed the night with me because he was afraid that if left alone I would seriously hurt myself. I’m surprised he didn’t leave me for good after the way I raised my voice at him and cried that I hated myself to the ends of the earth. I want to stop drinking, I really do. The hangovers aren’t worth it and my wallet doesn’t love it, either. But for some reason I can’t stop. I don’t crave it all day every day, I don’t sit around itching for a drink or shirk my responsibilities to go get drunk. There are just some days where I have this subconscious need to sit at a wooden bar and rack up tabs of an average of $50 consisting of beers and whiskey. And as if I’m on auto pilot, I get on the bus and ride for 20 minutes and then suddenly find myself a few drinks in and ranting to the person next to me about politics or taxes or whatever else. My voice starts getting louder, my laugh more hysterical, and my attitude begins to change. I’m still a nice and social person but I’ll get fixated on something and sometimes it isn’t a positive thing. The next thing I know it’s 5 a.m. and I’m laying on my bedroom floor clutching a bottle with a razor laying in front of me, music blaring and tears running down my face. I never actually relapse, haven’t yet anyways, but apparently drunk-me gets prepared to. I spend the entire day throwing up at work but unable to leave. I need to earn back all of the money I spent at the bar last night so I can still pay my phone bill and afford to eat this week. And drink again.
I started hiding from my boyfriend when I drink. But he can tell just from the way I’ll respond to a text, even if there’s no typos, if I’m drinking or not. And last week he asked me to please stop. I drank again yesterday and last night. I disassociated at the bar and fantasized about dying. I don’t know how to stop.