so, after the day it’s been, I’m feeling agitated, irritated, and wound tight. Â I could snap like a stretched out slinky at any moment. Â The urge to cut is very heightened when I’m like this. Â The need for some type of release. Â I should do something physical, but what I’d rather do is check out for a bit, if only my mind would quiet down a bit. Â sigh….
So, I had agreed with my therapist to talk with my psychiatrist about adding a medication to help with sleep. Â I know that sleep deprivation is a significant aggravator for me. Â The longer I go without sleeping decently, the more difficult it becomes to manage the day to day stuff AND the depression/anxiety stuff. Â Then it becomes a vicious cycle. Â Understand that I am NOT a fan of meds; it took many, many –did I mention many?!– years for me to accept that meds would likely be a part of my life forever and be compliant about taking them. Â So, anyway the reason to be hopeful–although I woke up a couple times, the half-dose of Trazodone made it possible for me to almost immediately fall back asleep. Â I got more sleep last night than I have in months. Â Now, if I can ‘reset’ my sleep pattern, it will be easier to manage the other stuff. Â So, I am cautiously hopeful…
This is becoming a pattern, and not a good one. Â These 1am wake-ups are going to cause alot of issues with the students come back to class next week. Â I had my appointment tonight and have to go back again next week. Â Over the years, the time between sessions has varied from once a month, to years without, to two or three times a week (that was a REALLY bad time). Â To some extent, I can gauge my my mental ‘health’ and level of denial by the frequency/infrequency of appointments.
It was a rough day on Monday. Â Sitting through endless hours of being talked at about the ‘state of the district’ and the educational environment and this initiative and that change and yada yada yada. Â I’m not used to sitting for so damn long! Â Today is more of the same; meeting followed by another meeting, with a break for lunch and a 100% chance of more meetings in the afternoon! Â Hopefully, today won’t find me locked in my classroom crying for a half-hour like Monday. I hope…
The nature of my job requires me to be somewhat social. Â This is quite a contradiction in the sense that when my anxiety and depression are at their highest, my desire — and ability — to be social is at the lowest. Â I spent most of the day today at a family reunion. Â It was totally exhausting being social for so long. Â Today it’s back to work after too short of a summer, facing what already suggests will be a long, long school year. Â This week will be hard because I will be forced to be social with my co-workers, repeatedly, over and over, through endless district and building meetings, in-services and such. Â It makes me tired to just think about it.
I have an appointment tonight with my therapist. Â I know what he wants to hear. Â After 20+ years of this, I know the drill. Â I know what a suicide assessment interview sounds like, and I know when one’s being done with me. Â I know he wants to hear that the thoughts of suicide are gone. Â That would not be true. Â I am worried about this school year. Â I have not started the year like this in many, many years. Â I feel trapped in a life that limits my ‘freedom’ to act out. Â Like I’ve said before, I don’t act out in the various ways I used to because I can’t risk ruining the ‘normalcy’ and ‘stability’ that I’ve developed. Â I have my child to think about. Â But, even though I can’t act on them, the urge to cut is there; the urge to drink wildly is there; the urge to just ‘go crazy’, to lose myself in insanity is there always.
I need to sleep; there is no napping today. I hate insomnia…
Thank you to all of you who responded to my previous post. Â I appreciate the words of support and caring. Â I used to be a very prolific writer… poetry, journals, short stories. Â I have SO many journals from early on. Â I used to think that one day I would write a book about my experience, this process. Â And that’s what it is, isn’t it? Â A process. Â The thing is I’m tired of always being ‘in the process’ of getting better, ‘in the process’ of this or that. Â I’m just tired. Â I’ve accepted that I will always have a melancholy personality, with the medication I can keep things from going to extremes. Â But then everything is dulled, which makes it hard to do things like write or feel pure joy. Â But I digress, the title is another restless night, and that is what it has been. Â I’ve been up several times during the night, this last time, well I woke up at 4am and just stayed up. Â Sometimes I am my most productive at this time, took a shower and started the laundry, and am working on lesson plans for the beginning of the school year. Â It makes up for the daytime, which is usually slower and interrupted by the strong urge to sleep. Â Thank you for reading… have a good day, everyone!
I have spent more than half of my life dealing with depression and anxiety. Â I was sexually abused by my father, physically abused, emotionally abandoned, not believed… Â I’ve fought long and hard to overcome the effects of such trauma. Â I have a decent life. Â I have a job; I am a mother and a wife; I have a few good friends; a strong support system. Â I ‘behave’ myself–don’t drink, don’t do drugs, take my medications, and I don’t cut. Â So then why is it that I want to start cutting again; why is it that I wish I could just be gone? Â My counselor, bless him, he’s worried. Â My psychiatrist, she doesn’t know what else to do with the meds. Â I don’t sleep through the night, have terrible nightmares, like when the PTSD was at it’s worst. Â It’s like the wall I had fortified for so many years, the barrier that allowed me to be ‘normal’ has faltered. Â I feel like a fake, a total facade of a human being. Â I don’t want to feel this way. Â I’m afraid, afraid that it might get so bad that I’d do it. Â I don’t want to hurt my family like that. Â And it would almost seem like ‘he’ won, then, wouldn’t it. Â But what if this gets so bad I can’t stand it? Â Thank you for reading this, if you got this far.