The more I try to pleasure others, the emptier and worthless I feel.
I am thinking, and searching on Google about it. And it feels good doing so because then everything becomes bearable: being scared of my future, being alone, being tired. I am thinking of staying on bed all day. I am sucking bigtime on my work and on my classes. I am trying and trying. But at the end nothing is working against my depression.
I am on therapy and on classes on how to deal with things. I am here. I called people and tried exercising. Tried being positive and living in present time. That’s what I am working on right now. But if I could think of something in this very moment it would be to end it all.
So I know this guy and he told me how to try something I doubt may work… I don’t get all the details. But maybe I can try… or maybe I can just lay here and do nothing because it would be cheaper and easier. (More likely)
Staying home all day won’t solve anything but then again nothing will.
Mom has lost her keys again,
dad keeps seaching for his cell phone,
sis is busy in her laptop,
bro is listening to music.
And I know where the keys are,
and I know where the phone is.
And I know what she is searching
and I know what he found there.
So I know what is comming,
but don’t know whats going on.
I feel worthless, empty and alone.
I will no kill myself anytime soon but I am destroying my life… doing nothing on the sofa
So, theory today says one looks for what one needs. If you are eating a lot of sweets is because you need to treat yourself in a sweeter way. If you are looking for spicy things are you looking for something exciting?
What are you looking for and what would it mean?
(Wanting to die, like wanting a real rest? Wanting a total change?)
Let’s try and talk about little things…?
I put my soul into a ship that sank. Now I am rootless, lost in space…
Always being blown by the wind, I caress other people’s bodies, refreshing some, bothering the rest.
Being but a word on a screen, faceless, invisible, weightless
So I decided to take off my post of shouting, I said thing I shouldn’t have said. Sorry about it, was too aggressive.
But I am rescuing Rocketman’s list of Confucius sayings 🙂 for the posterity. Do enjoy it.
Thanks to Alan and to Rocketman for you support today.
the idea as you know is to make fun of a very wise man Confucius! hey when he started making all these sayings he must of known he would also be a target for silliness! you don’t have to read them all but here are a few.
Confucius Jokes That are up to Speed
Confucius say: Man who run in front of car get tired
Confucius say: Man who run behind car get exhausted
Confucius say: Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!
Confucius say: Man who get hit by car, get that run down feeling
Confucius Quotes about the Confusing Consequences of Consummation
Confucius say: He who fish in other man’s well often catches crabs
Confucius say: State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.
Confucius say: Baby conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission, grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Confucius say: Man who bounce woman on bedspring this spring, have offspring next spring.
Confucius Jokes about the Simple Joys of Clothing’s Potentials
Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
Confucius say: Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.
Confucius say: Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
Confucius say: Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is “Negligent”
Funny Confucius Sayings That Make a Clean Breast of It
Confucius say: Man who suck woman’s tit make clean breast of things.
Confucius say: Man who want to catch a bra, should set a boobie trap.
Confucius say: Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills.
Confucius say: Man who pulls on woman’s bra-strap, may get bust in mouth.
Confucius Funny Sayings That Are Really Hot
Confucius say: Man who put cock on stove have hot rod.
Confucius say: He who stick head in oven get baked bean.
Confucius say: Man who sit on hot stove will rise again.
Confucius Say Jokes about Practical Hands-on Experiences
Confucius say: Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth.
Confucius say: Man in shower playing with tool not necessarily plumber.
Confucius say: Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change.
Confucius say: Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Confucius say: Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!
Untouched and Pristine Confucius Sayings
Confucius say: Virginity like bubble. One prick – all gone!
Confucius say: A virgin, sleeping on a waterbed is called ‘cherry float’.
Confucius say: Virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick.
Confucius Sayings That Are a Real Mouthful
Confucius say: When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.
Confucius say: Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face.
Confucius say: Man with tool in woman’s mouth not necessarily dentist.
Confucius say: Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete’s tongue!
Confucius Say Jokes – chinese porcelain doll figurine
Confucius Jokes about Material Pleasures
Confucius say: Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk.
Confucius say: Man who live in glass house should change in basement.
Confucius say: Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for joy.
Confucius say: Man who screws cook in pantry often gets ass in jam.
Confucius say: Husband who sleep on couch last night, have hard time today.
Confucius say: Man who fall into an upholstery machine, eventually be fully recovered.
Confucius say: Man who sink into woman’s arms soon have arms in woman’s sink.
Confucius Quotes That Warn You: ‘Not Stick Nose in’
Confucius say: He who sniffs coke, gets ice cube up nose.
Confucius say: A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
Confucius say: Man who keeps nose to the grindstone, have sharp boogers.
Confucius say: Man who walk with nose in air very easy to hook.
Confucius say: Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.
Funny Confucius Quotes Said in Sport
Confucius say: Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Confucius say: Girl should not marry basketball player: he dribbles before he shoots.
Confucius say: Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.
Confucius say: Basketball player who marry midget lady will be nuts over her.
Confucius say: Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
Confucius say: Hockey player on ice have big stick.
Random funny stuff from Confucius
Confucius say: Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
Confucius say: He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.
Confucius say: Hole happy, whole body happy.
Confucius say: Man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.
Confucius say: Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Confucius say: Man trapped in brothel get jerked around.
Confucius say: Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.
Confucius say: Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Confucius say: Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
Confucius say: Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
Confucius say: Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind.
Confucius say: Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.
Conducive say say: Man with no legs bums around.
Confucius say: Find old man in dark, not hard!
Confucius say: Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Confucius say: If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Confucius say: Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!
Everything seems ok, then someone asks: are you ok? And I start crying non stop. Yes everything is ok.
I have to go work, but I get there and do nothing.
I am feeling empty.
A few good opportunities came to hand this week. Things I would have given everything else for, a year ago. And here I am, not giving a fuck for them.
I just want to cry. I just want to stop feeling this sad.
Well yesterday was a good day… a lot of things were starting to fix themselves or at least thats how it felt. And yet… I am feeling so incredibly lonely…it’s as if I could go crazy if I don’t have someone to talk to.
but I am feeling so alienated… as if I were talking to people that lived in a parallel dimension, somehow I never reach no one. I feel rejected all the time.
I need people around me, and that’s so hard to achieve, because everyone is busy living their own lives, and I don’t want to live mine
I wanna stop feeling lonely…
Hey Wiskered-fish how are things going with your meds and the extra energy discovery?
Hey ToTrees, I shouldn’t say this because you erased your post but: Hey that’s really bad, the headache thing. Hope you may sleep a little more maybe? Or would it be better a short walk?
You know what’s been killing me this last days? Freetime… I gave it all to get some freetime and it exploted on my face.
Maybe you can become an inventor (I am rambling here) and design a device to keep racoons away hahaha.
Enjoy your cofee
Hey Ylem I am crossing my fingers everything everything goes right with your exam today
Hey Dyinginny haven’t seen you posting this last few days, hope you are doing fine
Hey Alan I hope to know what will happen with 3s… maybe you can write more, about what ever.
Hey Cordless, do complain sometime, you are funny and a very curious and intelligent woman, thank you.
I wish I could comment about you all people, but I have a memory that sucks. This were just some comments I had pending
I was thinking I can change, today is going to be a good day. I’ll work on the things I can, and I’ll stop feeling bad.
Why while everything is going fine, when I know how to deal with things and how to solve my problems do I refuse to be ok?
Why if I know everyone matter and everyone is valuable I just don’t know what to do with that?
Why do I feel so rejected? So inevitably rejected for all I am?
Why do I apologise all the time for what I am? Why can’t I stop apologizing? I hate to apologise for even breathing.
Why do I need to hear from others that I am ok? I need it every minute. I keep all day looking for someone to tell me I am ok. And I can’t deal with this anymore. It’s becoming an addiction. I just can’t get enough.
And I don’t want to need to be ok. I don’t want to do anything. I want to stop crying. I want someone to listen to me for real, but I don’t belive the people that tell they are listening.
I feel so out of place, so imprisoned in my self rejection. And I come back to this same point once and again.
Please don’t tell me I am ok, don’t. Just talk to me, help me out of here. Out of this, what ever it is.
Does anyone know of a website of failed suicide attempts consequences? I want to know what may happen if you cut your throat and survive. Is it a bad methd to try?
So I stoped talking to my parents if I can avoid it. I am going through that idea of geting my emotional independence, so if one day I do decide to put an end to this whole thing then they will be used to not having me around.
I am in a period of time when I am all alone again. My friends left the country (mine is one of those countries you always want to leave) and they are organizing their own lives. Good for them.
I was thinking that maybe this is how life is supposed to be : you grow up and learn you can’t have all you wanted, that humans are lonely beings and that rutine and monotony are just a part of living. So you live with this little ackward feeling that disguises itself to pretend to be a void in your chest, but that is actually made of all your disappointments shouting at the same time.
I have this feeling, like there is this one part of my head I just can’t reach. Maybe there is where my sanity lies.
I am sad today, not depressed, just really sad. I wish someday I can just sit with someone and talk and breath. Not worrying about the moment he or she has to leave, and not knowing they actually want to be somewhere else. I just want to spend a moment with someone that may really want to be with me.
There is nothing wrong with my life. Everything is perfect. But I am feeling so down, so sick, so bad.
I am so scare of failing my suicide attempt. I can’t move. I wont try it, I know it, and I hate it.
I am scared of men, I am scared of women too, I hate living. And yet, everything is going as each and every little thing should go. People are nice and everything is ok. Except my head.
I wish I was different in a deep unconscious way. But there is this part of me that’s rotten and that I can’t heal. I don’t know why. I killed it with my ignorance, and my stupidity, and now I can put some cords on it and make it move like a puppet, but I know it is dead.
Stupid me, stupid ireflexive, lazy, ignorant me. I wish someone could help me, I am crying, calling for help, but there is me, always screwing things up, avoiding every effort to succed. still deaf, still blind.
I could change how I am, but there is me, making it imposible.
I went to visit someone that has been helping my mom. My mother respects this woman very much, because she sais she had been feeling a lot better ever since she’s been talking with her. So I made an appointment and I told this woman about my situation, she said a few things that sounded reasonable but at some point, while I was talking, she stoped me and told me I have been a cheap w*hor*e all this time, she said that it is what I am, that even if I was doing it without concious, all the same that was what I am behaving like. And now I have that expression in my mind. And I can’t take it off. And it makes me feel so bad. I don’t know what I am doing with my life.
So I am the laziest person ever. I have been trying to convince my self of sitting down and write my tesis or to even read some articles as a basis. I don’t want to do it. I can’t do it. I hate having to do it. I really hate it.
I skip work today too. And even fail to do my part in a group I was trying to organize. The people are nice there, but they are getting tired of me. I just don’t want to do anything.
Last Monday I went to the doctor to ask for a remission for psychiatry (it’s necessary to ask a general doctor for it, it’s how it works here) and i told him about how I was hurt by myself while trying to get the guy I like’s attention. But the doctor was nice to me and told me I could make other friends and that he was so sure of it that he was going to show me. And he made me smile so much that day. So he gave me his number and told me to write to him. And I did. He knows i am depressed and that i suffer of anxiety and yet he is a nice person and he treats me well and all, but he is also offering to take this ‘frienship to other levels’ without commitments… not as a obligation, and only if i want to. And I know he is after sex because I was stupid on how I talk about this subject so openly. I am not sure its a bad thing that he is asking me this… I know I shouldn’t accept it out of morality, but maybe I should try to be with someone else than the guy I like… I mean maybe I am just obssesed because he was the only one that ever showed any interest in me somehow…. and now here is this guy that listens to me and that’s patient and nice… And I am tired of the guy I like, and I don’t even like him that much anymore (last time we talk he told me he was never going to care about me), and yet I am still thinking of him. And I don’t want to become someone that goes around sleeping with seveal men. I really don’t, but I do wanna have someone around.
I have turn all my life’s attention to this subject and I feel so trivial and stupid. I used to care about other things. I used to love to read and to write and to draw, and to learn…. now I don’t care about anything.
I just don’t want to move again. I am lazy and weak.
So why does that strange feeling of loneliness is so powerful and confusing?
Lots of people here relate to it.
But sometimes we can be alone and by ourselves without it hurting us, without it even matter.
And then agaim we can be surrounded by people and yet feel we are doomed by the solitude inside us.
What is it all about? How can it make us feel so bad, so wrong, so worthless?
This last week I was trying to be positive and for a few days I even convinced myself I was geting somewhere, forcing things, denying I was going through the wrong way. But I can’t help hurting myself. I always end up doing it. I turn everything against me and then I crush myself with every drop of energy I have. I can’t deal with me, with the things I say, and the decisions I take. I even hurt myself writing here things I shouldn’t. and talking to people about how ridiculous I am, and I say it as a matter of a fact and people know I am not ok.
A few friends told me it wasn’t sane, the way I live and the way I face things. I thought it was funny. But I know it’s true.
I am out of control. And that makes me feel so wrong and sad and desperate.
If you look for help all they say is you need to help yourself. But I am my worst enemy. I don’t know what to do.
How can I hate myself so much?
So I wrote to him, asked him to come and now I am waiting.
I am ruined now. he is coming. I am so weak, but I want him.