When I came back from my adventures, I noticed several things. First, is that my dreams are over. Second, is that I can no longer connect with realities, be it people or environment. Third, is the realization of the harshness of the world we are living in. And lastly, is the realization how powerless my self is.
Realizing the dream world is over, I struggled to return to reality. But I noticed that I have no such reality to return to. Before, Iâ€™ve never even think about the future, I just lived for the moment, believing that one day I would get involved and drowned in extraordinary events, be it war, great disaster, rebellion, or even get abducted by aliens. But as you can see, almost 24 years passed and nothing happened to such extent. Now reality caught up to me and began to sinks in, my dream came to an end.
Then I realized, always living in a dream world, left me with no expectation of the real world. When the time came for me to decide how to live from now on, now that I have to continue living in reality, I just honestly have no idea. I donâ€™t have any work in particular that I want to do, but the worst part is I donâ€™t have any notable skills to survive in the real world, and the only thing keeping me alive was the kindness of my parents. Then even more realizations came to mind, I am only an average joe, I donâ€™t excel in anything, that I amâ€¦.. alone.
My friends have graduated, worked, and engrossed in their own lives, most even leaving this city. Long gone the days that even with my passiveness people would still gather in my messy room, talking about nothing. Now I am truly alone, my feet got heavy everytime I set them on campus, then I stopped coming altogether. 2012 was a year of loneliness, which I was living from my room, hardly ever went outside.
I began to lost all hope, and somehow the only hope left was for the prophesized End of The World in the December. But as you can see, it didnâ€™t happen. Or maybe it did happen in some parallel worlds but to me in this world, it didnâ€™t matter. The fact is the world still goes on and somehow I still have to keep living, but I have lost all ambition, motivation, and desire. I donâ€™t know how to live from now on and I donâ€™t even know what I want to do, and I donâ€™t want to make my family to carry this burden called myself any longer.
I truly want to believe in God since despite the many life threateningÂ moments I experienced, I still managed to survive, I hope it was divine interference rather than just extreme luck. Why I kept on surviving, do I still have a purpose in this world? Tell me I do, please.
In the end, I think for someone to be happy, is for them to have something to believe in. But I donâ€™t simply believe everything thatâ€™s thrown at me. First I doubt them, then I began to doubt everything, even my existence. Now I donâ€™t believe in anything, and that pains me greatly. I want to disappear.