I’ve been coming down with something lately . And I’m so tired . I can’t stay awake in class either. This week has been shitty. I’m sad, but I’ve got a job interview this weekend. I’m excited. It’s the only thing giving me hope at the moment .
Today was absolutely horrible . I’m in the verge of tears . I can’t wait to get home and cry in my bed.
It just started with waking up. Monday’s are hard to wake up to . I hate leaving bed .
Then class . My dental assisting teacher fucking pisses me off . She expects me to know everything and anything . I was taking X-rays on a mannequin (it’s so hard) and I was trying to make sure they were perfect so I could show her . She came in after 15 minutes and asked me how long am I gonna take ?! She said it so rudely . I snapped . I was like sorry that I haven’t been practicing in dentistry for 35 years and know how to take a god damn perfect xray . She’s just rude to me . But she’s only that way because she knows I’m smart .
I’m the only person that contradicts what she has to say . She gets angry . We debate so much. Sometimes I’m wrong but sometimes I’m right. I know that woman hates all the idiotic girls in that class . They suck at everything .
But this woman is smart . She also has a major in philosophy. But she never puts her self in my shoes . She doesn’t know what it’s like to be young and ignorant . I wish instead of yelling at me , she could show me what to do . Instead , she took the X-rays from me and didn’t even let me finish . She made me develop them and made me show them to her so she could point out every detail I did wrong. It makes me mad that she doesn’t do this to anyone else except me
My class mates also make me feel like shit . I feel like none of them like me . Because I don’t join in on their childish behaviors . I wish I could punch all of them in the face. They are all rude and disrespectful.
Sorry for all of this . I had to rant .life is annoying .
Is it bad that I’m not sad ? She wants to die and I hope she can soon . She is handicap so she only sits on her bed all day . And the fact that she hid her breast cancer until now shows she wants to die . Of course I would be sad if she died , but she would be in peace . Her husband and all her friends are dead so she doesn’t have much left .
I know she’s annoyed to be in the hospital . I’d rather her be home . But the breast cancer is so bad … I don’t even know how a 80 year old woman can have it . But I guess she’s had it for a while now . Her breast is purple and red and the cancer has spread down her arm so it’s so swollen .
I just want her to find peace now .
But that means another one of my family members gone . Their almost all dead .
My friend called me to go to the beach and go see the water and trails and it was so cold , about 25 degrees . But I got some good pictures . Here’s some
happiness to share with you all 🙂 it was gloomy out but the water was pretty .
I find a lot of peace and tranquillity at the beach. I hate this city and I can’t wait to leave , but I’ll miss the beach . I’ll miss the sunsets one day and the nice warm sand in the summer . I’ve lived here all my life so I have so many memories here . Good memories too.
I feel like this sadness has taken over all of who I am .
I just had a terrifying dream. These demons were always around me and watching me and I could see them whenever I looked into the mirror. Then one of them came for me. I thought they were gone but I looked into the mirror to see myself and she was behind me then looked at me and came for me . She poured this stuff in my mouth and duct taped my mouth and proceeded to put a bag on my head. I think I was about to die then I woke up.
I was scared as fuck when I woke up. It felt real. I feel like I couldn’t breathe again like the other day. Like something was on top of me .
I can feel the intensity of my dream in my jaw . I have really bad bruxism where I grind my teeth like crazy when I’m asleep . All my stress and sadness comes out in my jaw . It’s so sensitive and locked right now and my teeth feel like they just ran a mile .
I think my dreams are talking about my inner demons . I bring my self down . I talk to my self and tell myself I’m worthless and a nothing . I drag myself down instead of lifting my self up. And I really don’t want that for my sled . But I don’t know how I can change that .
I’m afraid to sleep again. I hate waking up and feeling terrified
I’m breaking down tonight. Feeling alone through this all makes everything harder .
In my English course we had to do a research paper on something . I’m really interested in alternative medicine vs. allopathic medication (what we use here). I found some super cool stuff – it can also help depression.
Aromatherapy – different aromas can alter your mood . I actually tried this and bought different essential oils and smelled them . I could see a change . You can even put the oil on your skin , behind your neck and on your wrists . It some how changes your mood . Super cool
Traditional Chinese medicine(TCM)- needle therapy/massage therapy .
With acupuncture, they think that if one part of your body is in pain , then it is derived from some where else on your body that’s not functioning right . So they map out the body in meridians and put needles in it . This could help depression too. It relieves stress . It’s actually really interesting how it works.
Chiropractic therapy (spinal manipulation)- in this doctors adjust your back/body so it will relieve tension on your spine . My friend actually did this and she could sleep better, felt more awake, happier . This is like TCM because it also shows the idea that if your back isn’t adjusted , then your overall wellness diminishes .
Herb therapy- this was the most interesting one I wrote about . Certain herbs can help with depression . One is feverfew . It looks like a daisy . I don’t really know how it helps though. There isn’t really a true reason why. I honestly believe that the earth has so much to offer us . And we should use it instead of popping man made synthetic shit . And these remidies don’t come with all the side effects that western medicine comes with .
I just thought I should share some of these cool things I found . I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m all over the place . My paper sounds a lot better . Lol
Today I’m feeling like nothing . Nothing has entertained me today. Or made me
Happy . I came home from class and slept for hours . It’s like nothing even matters anymore.
Class started again today . We went in the clinic to learn X-rays . I literally cannot stand the people there .I usually just work alone . I work best that way anyways.
It’s so hard to think in class when I can only think about how tired I am . I can barley keep my eyes open. I sleep so much so I dont understand why I can’t be awake . This has such an impact on me . I feel like I have the capability to do nothing .
I like to sleep . I imagine that’s what death is like . Black . And it seems so peaceful .
i feel like I have had the life sucked out of me .
There are so many ways to help yourself other than stuffing your self with pills and seeing a therapist . I’ve never done either of those so I don’t really know what it’s like , but I have friends that tell me self therapy is so much better and that is ….
I’ve been recently starting calligraphy . It’s so interesting .. And hard . & it’s beautiful .
For Christmas my mom bought me a zen coloring book too . And it’s nice because I’m just paying attention to coloring in between the lines .
I think art is a good way to help yourself . It’s not going to solve every one of your problems , but it’ll take your mind off things .
Take up in a ceramics/pottery/silversmithing/typography/drawing/music/glass blowing or any type of class you can take. Or just pull out some paper and draw something . It doesn’t matter . Anything to keep your mind off things , and it’s a good way to find something you are passionate for , and you could even meet friends .
I’m feelin optimistic right now . Mainly because I have class tomorrow which means I have to get out of bed and apply myself . I like to learn . So it motivates me.
I just felt like I should share this because I was coloring earlier and felt at ease.
Self therapy doesn’t even have to be art. It can be taking your dog for a walk , baking a cake , going for a run, cleaning . Anything is good .
Since we’re all depressed and probably don’t have better things to do … Here’s some great movies to watch on Netflix . I love quirky independent movies more than the big ones that come out in theaters.
1. Before I disappear – about a guy who’s about to kill him self , but gets a call to take care of his neice instead .
2. October baby- about a girl who figures out her whole life is a lie . She looks at the bright side
3. About Alex- about a guy who’s friends never check up on him , tries to kill him self , fails and his friends come back to him.
4. Portlandia- this is a show BUT ITS SO FUNNY . Watch it please
5. Bates motel – another show . If you like fucked up stuff this is the show for you .
6. Keith- a sad love story. So good.
7. Comet – another love story . Their both a little wacky .
8. Blue is the warmest color- it’s a French movie . There’s a lot of lesbian sex too but it has such a good story line . But it’s 3 hours .
9. White bird in a blizzard- just watch this . It’s crazy . I never expected the ending .
10. Short term 12- about a girl who works in a facility for troubled kids … But she had some problems herself .
11. Electrik children – a girl listens to a tape and thinks it gets her pregnant . She then goes to Vegas in search of the person who sang on the tape .
I could go on, but these are all great movies . So if you are bored and have nothing to do watch these .
This shall be interesting .
I wish people cared more for others instead of just worrying about themselves .
I wish I could meet someone who doesn’t see me as a sexual item (including men and women , they’re both just as bad). I feel like whenever I go, people just see me as this dumb girl who will give her self up to someone so easily .
Fuck, I just wish someone was infatuated with my mind instead of my body. I want to have deep conversations with people. I want to talk about things people are passionate for. I don’t mind someone thinking I’m beautiful , but I don’t want that to be the only thing they have to think of me .
I just want to feel a connection with people. I’ve never had a real connection with a significant other or a friend. I can’t say that I’ve ever had a best friend either . That’s something I’d love to have . A girl friend . Someone who can be with me while I’ll cry and who can be adventurous with me.
But I also have this urge for someone to love me.
I’m just alone. I’m alone through all of this pain . I don’t have someone to cry to. Or talk to about my feelings . I don’t have that kind of money to see a therapist at a moment . I really don’t know what to do.
I’m just angry that people don’t care to listen. I don’t think I’ll ever find someone who wants me for what’s inside of me , not what is on the outside .
I have such a big heart for people . I wish more saw that in me .
I’ve been in bed all day . I feel absolutely nothing.
Except sadness . I wish I had people that loved me , friends .
Anything to make a light brighten inside me .
I can’t stay home any longer. I think I am going to go downtown and get coffee and see if people are playing music . I love it down there . In the arts district. People just play jazz on the streets. No one pays them any mind except me .
That’s how I feel. No one pays me any mind .
Today is hard . I wish my time was up.
I’m writing this and it’s early as fuck.
I can’t sleep. I just made a grilled cheese too an it was great. Early in the morning is when my thoughts are crazy.
I was thinking about how I feel like the day I die my soul will finally find peace . It will be a relief . I’ll finally get to rest. I wish the day could come sooner.
I was also thinking about a afterlife . I wouldn’t say that I believe in God , but I believe in something . I hope there is something after this world . Maybe this life is hell? There has to be something . All of this would be pointless . If there is nothing , then where do our souls go?
Our consciousness proves there has to be something . We have the capability of thinking about how we are able to think. That’s a crazy thing if you think about it! You are all aware that you are present . Scary right ?
I used to spend days thinking this way. Questioning everything is a huge reason why I have fallen deep into depression. I wish I knew more . I feel like I can’t rest until I have the answers to everything .
Another weird thing I thought about — when you think a thought your hearing your own voice inside your head . THATS LITERALLY SO CRAZY. But what if someone is deaf from birth ? They have never heard their voice , so what do they hear ? You can’t ask a deaf person this question either because they would not understand.
These are just some things running through my mind like crazy lately . I wish I could sleep.
I want to know who thinks assisted suicide is right or wrong ?
In my opinion , I think if someone would like to die, then so be it . Some of us will never escape this darkness.
Instead of having a excruciatingly depressed life one can die. Now that seems more humane to me than keeping someone alive that suffers from so much pain .
I wish that ******** was legal here. I used to spend months online looking for countries that can ship it to the US. It’s almost $1000 dollars though and I don’t have that kind of money .
I’m ready to die. I feel like my departure would have so much more meaning than my life would ever have . I hope to die and never come back to this world .
Sometimes nothing seems real . I honestly feel like none of this is real . This life . What if it doesn’t exist ?
I dig my self into a deeper hole every day . In that hole I scream for help but no one ever hears me . I would never want to make my life someone else’s problem . I’m honestly so tired of having to tell people my story over and over again .
I spend most days researching suicide methods . I’m so obssesed with wanting to kill myself. This is something I’ve been nervous to say on here . No one really knows . No one really knows the true pain I feel every waking moment of my life .
I understand things so much deeper and differently than anyone I could ever possibly speak to . I can’t have relationships with people because they don’t really know .
I’m the type of person that goes outside and sees a leaf on the ground . I pick it up and examine it . I notice everything about it . Then I question its being. How did it get here ? How did it grow ? When did plants start to grow ? Can leaves feel things too ? Why is the pattern this way on the leaf? And a normal person can see the leaf and say “oh a leaf, cool” *throws it back on ground*
-now imagine thinking this way about every single thing possible .
Fuck I’m literally all over the place .
I wish I could die .
I realized last night in the blitz of all the chaos of the party that I will never be happy . My god I am the most depressed person on this planet .
I wanted to kill my self last night . I drove home even though I was a little drunk but I’m a perfect driver . I wanted to drive off the road and crash into something . But I couldn’t do it . And I went home to lay in bed .
I wish I had done it .
This year has been the worst year of my life . This year I changed my ways , started reflecting on my self & thinking differently , and saw the world differently than I used to . I changed to be a better person but it really had an impact on me. I used to hang out with the wrong crowd and get into trouble. I took my self away from all that madness . And I realized I wasted all my teenage years with the crappiest people . So this year was a reflective year on my self . And it was a hard year . I think 2016 will be hard for me too.
I’m about to go to the store and buy a couple bottles of champagne for tonight. I’m gonna go out . And I’m proud because I never go out with friends . So I hope to get really drunk tonight with some girlfriends and dance & forget about all this madness .
I hope 2016 is better for me & all of you 🙂