When it seems my life becomes straight it blows up in my face. And it’s all my fault. I don’t even know what I want out of this life anymore. It all blows up in your face anyways. I’m all out of hope. And this post makes no sense, but I don’t care.
Here’s a piece of advice for anyone who needs it. Enjoy life. Even when all feels hopeless, enjoy life. Happiness, we chase a dream but it doesn’t exist. There is no pure happiness, we have to settle for 50/50. Peace of mind.
Life is what you make it? Partly true. Life can give you stones instead of lemons sometimes. It takes courage to face these problems. Believe in yourself and love yourself no matter what. Because there is always someone else in your shoes. Don’t let a bad past or things that have happened to you follow you through your life. No it’s not easy, life is not easy for the majority of us, it’s fucking hard. Try your hardest and never back down people, fight till the end, never stop fighting. Keep your spirit high and your head up, and have the courage to fight for what you want and what you need. Never let others bring you down. Live and enjoy to the best of your ability.
I’m going for a while, yes, I did say that I was leaving this site for good before..and I was drawn back by a series of misfortune I experienced…like life was waiting for me to say I was at peace, then begins it’s vicious cycle again. But I don’t know if I’ll be back on this site. My intention was to try and help people and seek help myself. And I did, AgentQ, I took your advice to heart..seeing the world realistically and not live in your own fantasy world. Yeah this post may be Melodramatic, I don’t like leaving without some sort of exit you know..my ego I guess. To everyone who plans on suicide, think it over okay? Do you truly want to die? Is there really no hope left?
OK I’m leaving now, later.
I hate my life, I hate who I am, I hate that I ever existed here. I know full well I will never amount to anything,.my family thinks I’m so smart, and I go along, no I’m not smart…if I was I wouldn’t be in this mess I’m in.
I really don’t deserve this life, I don’t deserve to be alive. I don’t why I’m saying this, I just had a moment of thought. I have alot of time alone and it gives me too much time inside my own head.
There seems to be no way to break this, I see the future as hope…because I think something is bound to happen to cure me. But there isn’t a cure, nothing will ever make me feel happy, I have to live with this for my entire life. And I don’t want to, I’d rather die. I’m not strong, I’m weak as hell. I’m losing my will to fight, to live. If I haven’t already lost it.
This morning, early of course, I don’t get much sleep anymore, at least I thought, left me in the dust. I told her about my depression and how sometimes I feel suicidal..I thought it would help opening up to someone. But it completely blew up in my face. I’m not sad about it, it’s expected isn’t it. She said that I was crazy and needed help..perhaps I do. I wasn’t asking for her pity, I don’t need pity, just her understanding and support you know. I see it as if she acted like that when I tried to open up to her, she was obviously no friend to me and is better off out of my life. A true friend as I see it would have understood, I would have at least. It doesn’t matter now. I do value my friendships, which is why I’m explaining this here. I’m not a loner, an outcast yes, but not a loner. She was there for me for many things, why would she leave me now? I don’t understand. Do you think I was wrong for telling her? This was a friend of many years, one person I could tell anything too.
Question for the wonderful people on this blog, if you had to pick a character on Harry Potter, who would you be and why. I would probably be either Lupin or Sirius Black, because both of them are eccentric people, both have been forced to be alone for various reasons, and both have hearts of gold.
Have you become so focused on finding a way to get over depression that you have forgotten who you are? Like a hero that goes on a hard quest and becomes evil in the progression of that quest because he/she is so focused on that goal that nothing else matters to them.
My posting on here has grown more frequent. So I apologize about that.
This post is pointless, I’m alone, lost and scarred. (Not afraid, scarred as in scar, for any grammar nazis out there, and I know your here haha).
So I’m going to sit back here, and sip on some wine and play the piano to the tune of my misery. Moonlight sonata, the only song I can play start to finish, I really should find the time and learn some more songs, hmm I might do that actually. Let me get a buzz first.
Nothing like Chopin to play my sorrows out to my hearts content. Now to create my own pieces, slowly but surely.
God, someone please save me from myself :'(
I will tell you some of my personal story for those who care to know. So ever since I started elementary school, I wasn’t normal, I didn’t talk to anyone, I was shy, my family thought I was autistic because of mu extreme shyness. I didn’t make my first friend until the second grade. Most of my early school days are a blur and I don’t really remember, so. I started smoking weed in 6th grade, and that became the love of my life for the next 6 or seven years. When I was at school all I could think about was going home and going to the woods alone and get high. It took away all the pain, all the rejections and bullying I dealt with. School was hell for me, I hated going, and like I said, because I wasn’t exactly normal, I was a prime target for those who think it funny to try and victimize those smarter than them. Yeah I was extremely smart, I could remember every single answer on a test, people came to me for help, of course they had no interest in being any friend of mine, they just wanted to use me. I knew that. I passed the final exam, 100 questions, with 100%, with me being high as hell, and very little sleep. So that’s how middle school went, high school, well that’s when my grades began to suffer, I lost all care of anything. That’s when my depression really got bad and I tried suicide two times, one by drowning, and one by cutting. Niether worked as I am still alive now. I got my first kiss in eleventh grade, from a girl that was way too young. She was 14 and I was 18. It never went any further than that though. I’m still a virgin so. I’m tired of typing, so I’m done. I want this to be a faded memory. My story sucks anyhow.
As I type this, I’m sitting on a beach completely alone. I have no one, in the very end I’m alone. Friends are hanging out, couples are walking the beach holding hands, how did I end up like this? What is wrong with me that I have no one? I can’t be that unlikable i hope. Is god punishing me or something?. I met a girl, long distance though, though she really don’t like me for who I am, just for what I am. Can I not find any one real? Everyone is so fucking fake. Well I better get used to it, this is my life now. Empty and sorrowful. I know no one on here gives a shit about my life, I’m just another sad stranger on here. But at least someone will have an idea of what I go through day by day. I’m sorry god, I tried, you gave me the tools and I failed. I don’t know if your real or not, but I failed nonetheless. And I can’t fix it, I never could figure out how to have a happy life.
How can I be strong when my mind works against me, I thought it would be easy to fight this, but it’s turning out to be incredibly hard. I will still fight because I believe there is still hope for my life, and that I will find it no matter how much suffering and blood it takes. I will claw my way out of this severe depression. And see the light of day once more.
Nope there’s no hope for me. That’s pretty apparent. I want to die.
To make your life better, ditch the dead weight.
People who lied to me, bye bye now. Those who left me when I needed them, don’t come back. I don’t have the time nor the energy to deal with people who do that to me. You have no place in my life, nor will you have my kindness.
This post is gone.
I refuse to be afraid of the future, I refuse to be afraid of death. I refuse to let others harm me mentally or physically. I refuse to be the one people step over. I refuse to let anyone rule my future but myself, I refuse anyone the right to tell me how to live. I refuse all who dare step in my way, I refuse to allow the world to darken my soul. I refuse to be afraid of anyone and anything. I refuse to die with sadness. I refuse to let humanity corrupt me and I refuse to be weak in the face of the darkest evil. I will not lose in the game of life, if I have to fight for the rest of my life however long or short.
To all those who are suicidal and read this. Your situations vary, your reasoning for wanting to end it all are different. But, I’m not one for good advice, nor am I happy really. I’ve dealt with my share of suicidal thoughts as well. This is based on my experiences.
So you have no friends, no one likes you it seems. Why? Maybe, try to talk to people more if you don’t, it may be that they are like you, or are just apathetic and need a friend like you to talk to and hang out with. Maybe everyone truly doesn’t like you, which is unlikely, someone is bound to like you unless your a huge assholes and isn’t nice, which you shouldn’t be complaining if that’s the case. If not, find friends other places, go to events that interest you, anime? Music? Whatever.
Love? Yeah most people are probably or have had bad relationships in the past, humans aren’t perfect, we have different personalities and different thought processes. Don’t let love be the reason you want to go, there’s 6 billion people on the planet, your bound to find someone if your looking for someone. Don’t be with someone because your afraid of being alone, be with then because you truly like them and feel loved around them. Love hurts, most will be hurt by love, it’s a risk we all take when we love someone, always be prepared for that. Don’t, give someone all your heart, because if it turns sour, your heartbreak will be tenfold.
Abuse, now if you have parents/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse that is abusing you, whether mentally or physically, you need to end that shit immediately. Do what you need to do to stop that shit. Call the fucking cops if you have to, life is to short to be treated like shit, my dad abused my mom when they were together, me and my brother beat the shit out of him, I have no patience with people like that, I don’t care who they are to me.
And before this post gets too long, I will give one piece of advice, if you seem to have a good life, but you just feel empty, apathetic or/and feel like you nothing to live for, chances are you are living a life that’s not yours, you are being forced to be someone your not because you may be afraid of being judged, of course I don’t know if that’s the case or not lol. Be who you are, be yourself. Don’t pretend so people will like you. Or if that’s not why you feel this way, maybe your missing something in your life, maybe it’s just repetitive, maybe you need to get out and have fun. Take a day off work, be crazy once in a while, just do something and have fun.
And my final and I think, anyhow, most important piece of advice, Do not let the opinions, judgements, and actions of anyone dictate your life and your depression. Do not rely on anyone to be happy, once your happy with your self, you won’t care what anyone thinks of you.
I’m out, hope I helped some of you out there. Good luck and may good fortune shine upon you all.
All around me the world is going insane, people getting bolder and indane.
Violence throughout with no discrimination, all people lost in oblivious conversation.
Society falls apart before our very eyes, and we fail to see through the silent lies.
Told through the pages of history, that have now become a lost majesty.
Bring us our daily bread, and then choke on the toxic lead.
That you feed us through a broken spoon, but then lead us to a lost tune.
I know this poem makes no sense, but neither does this world so tense.
Our world has reach peak insanity, yet there’s still yet another calamity.
There’s always enough room, for yet another thing to go wrong in this rocky cocoon.
Maybe I’m crazy and maybe you are, but at least we can agree that for now we have traveled too far.
The world has gone insane, and you and I shall not be ever in vain.
For our lousy loath full rhymes, that mother goose would never be so benign.
She would tie us up and eat us for lunch, and then spit us out for brunch.
I forgot what I was writing a poem about, but perhaps it made the devil pout.
Nous sommes tous devenus follement en amour avec tout le monde et personne.
I’m so selfish, that I even alienate people online as I do in the real world. Irony. I will admit I tried online dating, and I failed miserably. Haha what a joke I am. Can’t even get a date online. Oh the irony is killing me.
What are some of your biggest regrets, that you know wish would have done, or shouldn’t have done?
It’s lonely tonight. I’m sitting here completely alone, no one to call or text. No one to say I love you, good night or good morning. And I’ve never been happier for some strange reason. I’m not a social person anyways, I hate crowds, I hate being at social gatherings, and I have a hard time conversing with people. Possibly I was made to be alone for life. A cold but comforting lonliness at least for now.
Here I sat on a bench on a lonely night. The city is busy as it always is, millions of people going through their daily lives. Young couples walking hand in hand through. Others like me walking in solitude, sounds of a festival of some sort sounding in the distance. The stars shining their strange otherworldly glow, a perfect sight to behold. Too bad it’s spent in lonliness I thought to myself. And then she came to me, as I laid eyes on her face, I was mesmerized. Love at first sight, she asked my name and I told her. Then she said, I’m Maria, a lonely soul such as you. I’ve seen you here many a night alone, but I was so shy to come talk to you. I see hope in you for my solitary soul, never has anyone cast such a spell as you have, she said. Would you like to spend eternity with me? You and me against the world, and may we have many beautiful nights such as this one.
Many years later on Maria’s death bed. Remember the night we met my love, Maria said. I said, I’d never forget it, you came to me in a time of darkness, and you gave me light in my soul. You gave me hope, love, everything I ever wanted in this harsh life. I love you, more than anything in the world. You are the stars in the sky, you are the light that shines bright in the heavens and above.
Maria says, We have faced many challenges. We have fought the world so many times, we refused to allow the darkness of this life corrupt our love. We have beautiful children to take our places, and though I face death soon, we will never part from each others side. We will last for eternity. Don’t cry my love, she said, the years have gone by much too fast I know, what I wouldn’t give to go back to that night and live it all over again. I will be there when you come join me, good bye My love. I say with tears in my eyes, I will be with you soon love, let me give one last kiss, good bye for now my love.
And exactly two weeks, I died of unknown causes. Our children and their children have our ashes spread around that very spot we first met in the shimmering starlight, on a night just as the one many many years before.
“Death may have us now, but we live on in the eyes of our children, their children, and the many many generations to come, and in eternity we now reside, in a castle of unbroken love”
I was bored. Yep.
This is my final post on here, I thought it would help me. Some of the people on here are really helpful. But I know my decision now. I will go away, in a sense. I have issues befriending people. In the end however they leave, that’s ok though. They are forgiven. So is everyone else who has caused me pain, you are forgiven. I am now at peace, I feel no more pain. I have dreaded posting this, because I felt that maybe hope was somewhere. But certain events today proved to me otherwise. I know that there is no other way. I’ve no idea what awaits me in death. I’m sure it’s not happiness. I’ve had a chance for happiness here in life and I failed at it. Yes, I have it better than many, those starving in Africa, those in prison for life, those who have terminal diseases. They have something I don’t, the will to survive. They want to live, I’m selfish, I’ve no will to live. My family will surely miss me. As I’ve no friends, of course they won’t miss me. So? I’ll be gone, I don’t anyone to miss me, I don’t need anyone to care that I’m gone. What would that do? Cheer up a dead guy? I think not. If that’s the case why don’t they cheer up a living guy? It’s always when someone is gone that people compliment and feel so sorry, but when they are living they are just a nobody to them. But that’s fine, humanity is such full of hypocrisy anyways. I’ve lived for twenty years, not one year has been good, not one day joyful. Not one minute hopeful. Why would it change now? Why would I magically transform into a happy go lucky persona. I see what my future will be if I were to live. And I will not accept it. I will never accept it. Perhaps I may be reborn into another life, somewhere else, somewhere far away. Perhaps I will remain in nihilism. But it’s over, that I know for sure. I’m truly sorry to those that may love me, that may have hope for me, I failed you, I failed you all. I failed myself. I failed you, my former love, who I told will never love again, and doesn’t deserve to live. I’m sorry for that, I was flawed, I was insecure. I wasn’t mature, I never deserved you anyways. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve to live. I seen myself as so perfect, so morally correct. I believed myself worthy of true happiness, but in reality I never deserved it, not then, not now. I’m sorry.
Peace out and good wishes.
This song, explains my life exactly.
RIP David Gold (vocalist) died in 2011 of a car crash in Ontario, Cananda.