Looking back at the road rushing under my wheels. Looking back at the years gone by, like so many summer fields.
I don’t know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels.
the court is giving me 60 days in which to get clean and fix my mental problems or i’m not allowed time with my kid. i get drug tested tomorrow and saturday.
tomorrow is fucked. if i stop tonight/this morning – i wonder if the coke and alcohol will show up saturday?
Your words eased my pain in my time of need. I missed visitation with my son again today. Partly because of my reactions and anger.
Sorry to my parents that I’m angry. My family was taken from me and you’d rather judge me for my faults than be happy that I toughed out this loneliness as long as I did. I miss my son, and I miss my pug.
Sorry, I guess I’m just a coward, but I give up. I hope you’re all proud of what you’ve done.
Loaded Sig Sauer P250, hollow point 9mm Luger round, aiming for the roof of my mouth/tonsils, wish me luck. This ends tonight.
LOOKING FOR DMT OR MUSHROOMS. I LIVE IN TEXAS. AND WILL TRAVEL ANYWHERE IN THE LOWER US TO GET IT. I firmly believe it’ll cure my addiction, unlike Ben, who never had a shot.
You know you’re on your death bed when you cry as you dose yourself. I do it too. “Why do I do this to myself?” is a question that hurts so bad.
I want help. I just can’t get help without losing rights to my kid for the next decade by going to rehab (which has like a 98% fail rate anyway). I just need real help. I need a break, Please, someone, help me give this up.
I feel like I need DMT, Ayahuasca, or some really good mushrooms – I need one of those life changing trips into another dimension to find myself again… and figure out where I’m going in life . I want to see into the spirit world and find out why I’m too depressed to stop self-medicating with hard drugs. I want to fight my inner demons head on and cleanse my soul. I’m willing to drive to Dallas, Austin, Houston, any big city where someone could help me find some. Does anyone near Texas or the Ark LA Tex have any of the aforementioned psychedelics? I tried 5 hits of acid the other night and nothing happened, then found out I can’t trip on it because I take Zoloft 🙁 FML.
The people that drove me to this don’t deserve to see me suffer this badly. I need the strength to fight, They don’t deserve this luxury.
P.S. If anyone bilingual knows how to get in touch with the Seri Tribe in Mexico for a healing ritual, please let me know. If I live another two weeks, it’ll be a miracle. Thanks for reading, any help is greatly appreciated. I’m not trying to do anything illegal, I’m trying to save my fucking life.
Just comment below and I’ll post my email.
So this is what I said:
Why do you ask?
Every week either gets progressively worse, or, it’s just the same droll, hermetic, life I don’t enjoy. I’ve lost everything but half my job. How could life be anything other than bad? I’m the loser that everyone laughs at. There’s no reprieve from the pain, so, I cover my costs and I shoot my dope (don’t get me started on all the precautions I take, I’m not trying to leave XXX yet). Thankfully, I haven’t been to jail or overdosed this week, which is good – considering my family doesn’t talk to me anymore since I refused inpatient treatment after the first death scare. They’re the reason I went to jail after the second overdose… No one would come get me from hospital since I was incoherent and unable to walk after stopping my heart.
But nah, this week hasn’t been any worse than any of the others. In retrospect, I was almost worth a shit this week. Almost. Had I seen XXX, I could probably even brag to everyone about pretending to be a dad. Apparently our lawyers decided I need to clean up about a month before I see him again. Something about I don’t get to see him for a month… idk. None of this makes any sense to me. We’re beating a horse that’s been dead over 100 years now because we don’t all understand that turning your back on the problem only makes it worse.
The other day I got a fortune cookie that said, “this isn’t the end, don’t give up.” If there is a God, she speaks to me in fortune cookies. It’s on my fridge. The ones I got today kinda suck though, so idk… I’m not really concerned with any “new romantic interests”. Probably just luck of the lottery anyway, and not the Word of God hidden in the crescent of a deep fried racist and antiquated traditional fast food novelty. However, an overwhelming excitement for my next batch of drive-thru Chinese has already begun.
Through separation and divorce I have lost everything other than court appointed contact with my family: the ex-wife/best friend, my son, my 2 dogs. It feels like the work I’ve done to try and make this all come together as a family was for nothing. And it was.
Two weeks ago, I shot .375 grams of pure crystal meth into my arm and gave myself tachycardia but died slowly enough for the doctors to save me.
Monday, my legal benzo analogues came in the mail. They’re like xanax on steroids. I took a couple handfuls (that stopped my heart) and then woke up today with no memory of Tuesday, and found myself freezing my ass off in an orange inmate jumpsuit. I apparently escaped from the hospital by pulling out their needles and iv lines. Then ran until the pigs tackled me and gave me a public intoxication ticket along with a free night’s stay in their plush accommodations.
I hate cops.
All things considered, I am an honest man. I used to be against parental suicide, but now realize that it’s not black and white. My suicide, in time, will prove that life is not worth living unless you’re special, talented, or good looking. Life is for the living.
I’ll post the final draft in case there’s anything anyone thinks I should add.
male, 29, 130lbs/58kg
diagnosed: major depressive disorder, ocd, generalized anxiety disorder
prescribed: sertraline 200mg/day, xanax .5mg and zolpidem 10mg as needed
i’m trying to get help from my family physician on tuesday. i was in therapy with a psychologist for a while but stopped going because i couldn’t afford to get help, and support my manipulative ex. we have a son. i attempted during her pregnancy and spent a few days with waived human rights in a psychiatric hospital.
in my relationship i was used for money and hit a lot. there was constant berating and verbal abuse. i’m going through a divorce and don’t really get to see my son for more than a couple hours a week. i don’t have friends and i don’t go out because that only calls attention to myself. i’m severely depressed and anxious, and i see life as pointless with no purpose or meaning.
i’m a long time marijuana smoker, but in the last 6 months have begun recklessly self-medicating with highly toxic drugs. my doctor has stopped refilling my xanax because i was finishing a bottle every week-2 weeks (it can only be refilled every 30 days in my state in the usa). i began using coke with an acquaintance in january, and by february was buying an eight ball or more every weekend. it stopped working soon thereafter…
so out of xanax, unable to find a benzo or opiate dealer, and burned on blow, i started smoking ice. i’ve barely slept since march, and i would guess that i physically age about 5 years every 30 days. it’s the most crippling addiction that i never could have imagined. i do my best to stay numb but i’ve abused it so often that i’ll be dead before i can get high again, unless i start slamming.
i can’t go back to inpatient or rehab. i can’t look crazy in court or i’ll never see my son. i hope to be treated with my doctor’s recommendation of therapist/psychiatrist and medication. so my question for anyone that would like to offer their input: is it safe for me to tell my doctor about my drug addiction/suicidality with the notion that i might be bi-polar or have bpd?
thank you to anyone who answers.