Searching for you.
What am I even looking for?
Why am I doing this to myself?
Why cant I find it?
Why wont this end?
by literally everything. but let me explain my reality differently. i am stuck between life and death. melting. the place i find myself in is evil, and against me. but i created this for myself.. am i still in control? i can feel the friction as these walls slowly crush me. i am afraid of myself. have i really sold my soul?
Too bad im in another hell. One that isn’t just deluded thoughts, or a different kind of them. Honestly fuck this life. I dont give a shit about anything except ending my own life for the past year. Why am i still here? I have nothing left to say anymore. When i finally off myself i hope its painful, and i hope i can regret it before i reach my fate.
I do not understand why i visit this place. Do i merely refresh my mind to the only viable escape? My struggle seems more meaningless to myself than others these days. My state of mind is constantly fleeting. Is there a limit to blocking out the pain? Forgetting, to the point of forgetting the idea to forget. That still is not enough. For what remains is a dark twisted view, partly unveiled to the beholder, partly unveiled to you reading. Always hanging above a cliff.
But i can tell you what lies at the bottom of this cliff. It is a prison. Dark and mysterious, filled with an unending sense of pain. It is a trap for the delusional, and a death sentence for the weak. Leaving behind the poor souls that learned too much.
So, whatever makes me die faster really. Hopefully the divine creator wont mind, I was just bored.
i feel like a disease i need to cleanse for the rest of the world around me. I feel rejected here, to the very atoms of my being. Everything is so tragic, to the point where i question the universe. But at the same time, its all meaningless. I don’t want to experience any longer. I’m sick of wasting time.
To what extent have I put myself in this position.
It is so shallow, it makes me sick.
I’m slowly crumbling away.
Willful ignorance, but never in control.
The light revealed itself, but the darkness already consumed me.
I’m not sure whats real anymore.
It’s all a sham.
My fate was sealed.
I hate you. I hate looking back at you. Fuck you.
I shattered my reflection today. Punched my mirror and ruined my hand. Im not sure why.. I just want everything to fall to pieces, just like that mirror.
Than i looked down at my hand which was covered in blood with glass shards stuck inside my knuckles. Saw what my pain had manifested into.
I just want to die.
If i slash my arms they will finally leave me the fuck alone. Ill cut so deep, everywhere. There will be so much blood, they will send me to the ER. I hope i cut all my insides out. I hope i pass out in a pool of my own blood. Then they will finally understand, finally leave me alone. This is what they asked for. Forcing me to be alive..
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