I feel like god is mocking me and I hate my life
How in the world do people make it through their ENTIRE lives without ending it?
Okay, so 2018 is almost over now. I have came to the decision that if things are not even a little bit better by 2020, I am going to take my own life with NO hesitation.
I just want people to understand one thing. Just because something works for one person, doesn’t mean it’s going to work for everybody. Like I am constantly hearing people telling me to appreciate all the good things about my life and I’m sick and tired of hearing shit like that all the time. Because believe it or not I’ve tried that multiple times in my life and it barely makes a difference in how I think or feel.
Like it just doesn’t make sense; like people tell me that, as if it’s going to fix my anxiety, my depression, my lack of motivation, my lack of interests, my boredom of life; like no fuck off; how is that going to fix all those problems in my life dude; that isn’t nearly enough to fix all of those problems that I just listed. And the other thing is even if something like that was going to work for me, I would have to keep trying it millions and millions of times to the point where I’d eventually get sick of repeatedly trying the same DAMN thing;so what I’m saying is let’s say a certain thing did work for me- whatever it is, I guarantee you I would have to try it millions and millions of times to a opoint where I GUARANTEE I’d get so sick of trying that I would not even want to try anymore because when you have to try the same goddamn thing for that ridiculously long, do you have any idea how nearly impossible it is to not get to a point at all where you get sick and tired of it like i’m tired of people telling me to appreciate all the good things in my life because I’ve tried that before many times and it doesn’t even make a difference at all and how I feel.
And just suppose it is going to make a difference one day; it doesn’t really matter to me because even if that were the case and it would make a difference one day; there’s no way I would have the patience to try it for hundreds and hundreds of thousands of times for months on end especially the same thing without getting sick and tired of trying it. Like I have some patience but I don’t have all the patience in the world.
so what I’m saying is I have some patience but I eventually have my limits like everybody else in the world does and I don’t know about other people but I personally cannot keep trying the same damn thing for months and months on end without eventually getting sick of trying the same ridiculous thing.
so now the main point of this is that I want to make is that trying to think about all the good things I have and trying to change how I think about something is pretty useless because it doesn’t even make a difference in how I feel so I just want people to know that; and I also REALLY wish people would stop telling me things like that and stop trying to change I think because: 1. it’s annoying and 2. it doesn’t even make a difference in how I feel at all.
I don’t plan on celebrating the holidays this year. Also I just don’t understand why the last ten years of my life had to be absolute garbage, when those were years that were supposed to be some of the best years of my life.
All Christmas time does is make me suicidal; same with my birthdays, which only get more depressing every year.
New Year’s Eve only makes me even more depressed, because all I can think of is how shitty the year was just like the other last several years of my life, and how it was nothing but the same shit nearly every day; and also the fact that there’s one more year down the drain that I can never get back.
I don’t plan on celebrating any of those this year, by the way.
I’m so confused. I just don’t get it. Teenage years/younger years are supposed to be some of the best years of a persons life; why did mine have to be absolute garbage? I’m pissed and I don’t think I’ll EVER be able to forgive god for this. That’s TEN years of my life that I can NEVER get back now. Ten years that were supposed to be some of the best years of my life.
Also “the end” is probably miles away too, so I can’t wait to find out how much more of this bullshit I’m gonna have to deal with.
Yay. I love life. It’s so wonderful, you know? Also it’s total bullshit in my opinion that some people have a way easier and more manageable life than others. Some people are just born more fortunate than others; and I know I’m not one of the “more fortunate” ones and I never was. Yes it sucks, but that’s just the way it is, even though it’s totally unfair in my opinion, and I completely disagree.
I hold in so many emotions all the time. I have been holding so much anger inside me and I just can’t do it anymore. So tonight I’ve been yelling and banging my head against my bed. I have been so angry tonight that it’s actually been hard to breathe. This is what happens when I’ve been holding in this much anger for this amount of time.
Been sitting here crying as I’m typing this. What’s the point in even trying anymore? Life just gets more and more pointless and meaningless every day.
is that NOBODY who commits suicide should be discriminated against/ talked down upon. Anyone else agree?
I personally don’t believe having suicidal thoughts makes you a bad person; I don’t even think going through with suicide makes someone a bad person either.
I honestly don’t think I’ll ever understand why people want to live so crazy long in this world, like up to age 100. IT JUST MAKES NO SENSE. I literally see no point even living past age 30.
I honestly believe by life will NEVER have meaning. Even if most of my problems went away FOR GOOD; nothing, and I mean NOTHING could EVER make life enjoyable for me.
Like, even when I’m not feeling sad or depressed, life is still never very fun or enjoyable for me. I truly believe that even if I start to feel less miserable one day; nothing will EVER be able to make me enjoy life.
Let me put it this way: when you lose interest in things you used to enjoy, that were literally AT LEAST HALF OF YOUR LIFE; then there’s NO WAY to enjoy life again unless you finding something else you enjoy just as much, which for me simply is not going to happen. I never have ANY motivation and the only things I enjoy doing on the weekends now are using my phone to do the same things over and over again; and sleeping. Those are literally the ONLY things I ever enjoy doing on the weekends now. There is nothing that could ever cure this problem no matter how much my mood improves.
You see, I used to enjoy bowling and video games but, just to make a long story short, lots of things happened and I have certain problems that have made me unable to enjoy those things for the last few years. Those two things were both at least HALF of what I enjoyed doing in my life. And now not only have I lost interest in those two things, but I’ve also lost interest in pretty much everything else in my life too.
Also the fact that I have just lost interest in everything regardless of what goes on in life or what problems I have, is another thing contributing to this.
It just doesn’t make sense to me how people NEVER get tired or bored with life, and live such a happy life forever. I swear to god there are some things I will simply never understand. Life is so fucking pointless it’s not even worth being born into, in my opinion. Now even though I don’t want to die right now quite yet, I hope I don’t have to live even a DAY past my 26th birthday. I’m 21.5 now btw. I hope I live to be 25. At the VERY oldest. I’m just so tired of life that I dont even see a point in continuing on past then, even if I still don’t want to die when I get to that point.
Almost just actually took my own life. I was holding a knife in my hand, and wanted to do it, but then I thought about how unbearably painful it would be. ONLY thing stopping me.
I’m done trying. To make things better. I hate my life so much words can’t even begin to explain it. Nothing I ever do works. Even if it does, so what; I ALWAYS start feeling like shit again at some point.
no im not really suicidal anymore but I truly believe it would have been better if I was never born at all.
fuck god. He’s nothing but a douchebag with no life who has nothing better to do than fuck the lives of innocent people and fuck then all over.
seriously why should I even try anymore when nothing matters and nothing ever gets better. What’s the FUCKING point anymore? Seriously.
Haven’t been suicidal in about four months, I’d say. Finally starting to feel suicidal again for the first time in months. Any time i start to feel good, it NEVER lasts for long. I’ve finally realized that feelings like happiness and relief are only temporary, unfortunately, and that feelings of anger, sadness, depression, grief, and anxiety will always be much more prevalent in my life.
I honestly CANNOT BEAR the thought of having to be alive until I’m at least 80 YEARS OLD; probably even OLDER.
I’m only 21 now, in case your wondering.
Here is a list of problems I deal with on a daily basis that control me in my everyday life:
– [ ] Anxiety
– [ ] OCD
– [ ] depression
– [ ] Aspergers syndrome
– [ ] Lack of motivation
– [ ] Perfectionism
– [ ] Not liking who I am as a person
– [ ] Lack of interests
– [ ] Anger/irritability
– [ ] Negative/unrealistic mindset
– [ ] Mental/physical exhaustion
– [ ] Feeling overheated/itchy/tingly all the time
– [ ] Inability to deal with change/unexpected things happening
– [ ] Paranoia
– [ ] Sadness
– [ ] Pressure when I have to do things/general pressure
– [ ] Painful thoughts and memories
– [ ] Never feeling satisfied with anything That’s 18 different things that ruin my daily life. 18 DIFFERENT THINGS.Let’s face it, my life will never get better.
God is a fucking dumbass for creating us. Especially without even giving us a choice. Then saying you can’t even end your own life?????? What was the point of creating humans anyway? Without even giving them a CHOICE????? And then basically saying you’re FORCED to live????? Seems kinda pointless to me. Also seems pointless to create someone just to make them suffer, especially as much as I have.
Noah, even though god has been a complete DICK to you in the last ten years, he still loves you VERY much. As do many many MANY people. And just because he’s been a complete dick to you in your life, does NOT mean he will guaranteed ALWAYS treat you this way. Yes, he will probably continue to treat you this way for quite a long ass time, but the idea of him treating you this way FOREVER, is unimaginable. Things will very most likely be better ONE DAY, but not for a long long long LONG time.
Also, you remember your plan right? You will take your own like January 1 , 2020 , but only if you make it that far and nothing is even SLIGHTLY better. But you are not to make ANY decisions like that until then. Remember you have the freedom to choose whatever you want with your life, and remember, fuck anyone who tries to tell you what to do with your own life. Fuck those dicks. But since it’s probably a good idea to wait to see how you feel in approximately a year and a half, rather than acting on your suicidal feelings now, just wait until then and see how you feel. Hopefully, it will improve by then so you won’t have to take your own life, but if it gets so bad you can’t take it, just remember you ALWAYS have the option of ending your own life. Hopefully things will work out for you buddy, but if they don’t, you know exactly what you will do, and when it will happen. Best of luck to you, my friend.
Anyone else agree?
Would any of you feel pissed/ungrateful if you tried to end your life/almost died, and someone saved you or you didn’t end up dying or your attempt eas unsuccessful? Because I certainly would.
Severe ocd, severe anxiety, severe depression, heat flashes EVERY DAY, lack of motivation/absolutely NO interest in anything anymore except my cell phone and music, constant suicidal thoughts, intense self-hate, occasional lonliness, and sadness
Ive heard this many times, but WHY should I have to continue to stay alive????????? What, just for others and their benefits? Yeah, no fucking thanks. I’m outta here in approximately a year and a half if nothing changes.
That I am going to end my GOD DAMN FUCKING miserable life on January 1, 2020 because it sucks MOTHER FUCKING ***** SUCKING COCK!!!!!!
I am sick of my life ONLY getting worse and almost NEVER getting ANY better!
I am now 21 years old. I have wanted to kill myself since I was about 11 years old. I already have a plan in my mind. If my life does not get any better by January 1, 2020; then I will take my own life. I have been dealing with this FUCKING SHIT EVER SINCE I was 11 years old. 2018 will be the 10th consecutive SHITTY year I will have had, when it is over. 11 will be all I can take.
Now, if god can start treating me more kindly, and stop being such a FUCKING **** ASS DICK to me, then I am NOT going to take my own life on January 1, 2020.
I really hope god can start treating me more KINDLY and stop being such a COCKSUCKING **** ASS ***** to me; otherwise I am taking my own life January 1, 2020; and NOTHING that ANYONE can say or do will stop me from doing so, if I get to that point and nothing changes.
That’s all I really have to say for now.