I just got back from sneaking out with a neighbor. We went to the park and laid down on the basketball court and stared at the stars and in that moment for once I felt alive. There were no rules and no pressure to do anything. No mental illnesses and no mistakes it was just me and her and the stars. Every breath I took felt wanted and it felt pure nothing could ruin that moment and nothing ever will. I broke the rules in the most purest way there is, I laughed but not to hard and I smiled but not to much. I felt alive so so so alive. I love that feeling and its addicting.
It’s easy to promise that the future will be better.
Because once we get there and things still suck.
People will continue to promise the future will be better.
And will continue to promise this and reach new futures
and then someone dies because the future they needed never came despite how hard they tried to wait
and we will be stuck in the past
and even though we know the future will not
get better for some
we will continue to tell people this
because we have nothing else to tell them.
Promising the future will get better
is the only thing we can do
and we will scold and lock up the people who dare to not
wait for a better future
because they are fucking up what we are promising
and we well we just cant have that.
We have no actual reason but we just cant. have. that.
So remember the future will get better!
I dont feel depressed, I dont feel happy. I dont feel anything anymore. Just numb.
My sister got super sick so we had to take her to the ER so my death is postponed but I scared up my wrist alot
fuck the book and fuck EVERY chance there ever was for anything to get better. fuck my family and my dead beat friends. I have the razor and all the time I need im doing it tonight I dont care I am not going to ***** out I am doing it. I HAVE NO LIFE away from this damn mental illness(es) and my family is pissing me off to no end. I DONT CAUSE PROBLEMS FOR THEM THEY PUT THEM UPON THEMSELVES AND THEN BLAME ME! I dont need people to fucking worry about me! I will not conform to this boring ass fucking life. Im not going to not smoke weed and be told what I have to do with MY life. I hate everything about this life. Where ever the fuck I go whether it be hell or heaven or some better after life or if im stuck as a ghost I dont care I dont care I DONT CARE. Im no longer going to sulk in my bed and be depressed and think about how to kill myself I am actually going to do it. EVERYONE should have appreciated me when they had the chance now you can all sit and feel like shit because thats what ive been doing everyday for 12 years. I dont care at all.
I might be able to survive but I also have to be able to live with myself and I cant do that if I’m stuck in a life I dont want to live.
My family found out I smoke weed and now are talking about how if my probation officer finds out I can go to jail. SHE ALREADY FUCKING KNOWS! I am so tired of my family worrying about me and my god damn life. They care if I get a job or what my grades are and how many driving hours I have. But god forbid I bring up my anxiety or depression they just tell me its not a big deal or everyone else has to get a job. As if I dont understand that, but not everyone has anxiety and takes 10 minutes to talk themselves to walk across the room to turn in a test they finished. Its even worse when they say “well everyone else your age can do this or this” but if I say something about “Well everyone else in the class did this and this” I get bitched at to not fucking end. I hate having mental illnesses and Im tired of them only being treated real by other people when its a inconvenience. I dont understand why they keep asking me to fucking stay. Selfish assholes.
I need to find a way to do this and fast. All the meds are locked up from my last attempt and I have money I just dont know where to get the stuff to do it
The choice to end my life is mine. The only thing standing in my way is my fear of failing again. I almost died in November I overdosed on aspirin which a lot of people think you cant do but you can. I almost passed out on the bathroom floor but I decided I would rather die in my bed. I regret that decision, because I got up made it to my door and vomited. Everywhere. Then for some reason let my friend who lives states away convince me to tell my parents. So basically when you OD on aspirin you go partially deaf so the whole car ride to the hospital I had tears coming down my face so pissed at myself for failing again. But my plus side was I couldn’t hear anything and that included my grandma being a **** to my grandpa about his driving but the sound faded in and out. Then we get to the hospital and like i said I WAS DEAF and my grandma made me tell the ER guy what was wrong. I COULDN’T HEAR MYSELF AND I COULDN’T BREATHE. Honestly don’t even know how the fuck he understood me but he did. Then basically they were doing everything to save me while I was puking up at first I guess food? Then blood then just straight stomach acid. Then of course my mom showed up acting like she fucking cared. But as usual I tell the nurses no family in my room and sit in there and just pout because I failed. Then the whole explain to the doctor why I did this and basically I say because I can. After all that they rush me to the ICU in a big town about 45 minutes away and I had a catheter in because I couldn’t walk or anything and that hurt like a *****. They said the only reason I lived was because of some stupid meds they gave me. I spent 3 days in the ICU and 2 weeks in the Mental Hospital across the Street. I still regret getting up i wish i never did i wish i wasn’t here to write this.
You’re the weeds in my garden
You pop up out of nowhere
And no matter how many times I cut
You down and pull out your roots
You come back
You want to be seen
You want to be beautiful
But you trample over the
Flowers I’ve worked so hard to grow
So I will keep pulling
I will keep cutting you out
Because my flowers deserve to be seen
Today I donated blood at my high school. In hopes that it will go to someone who wants to be saved. I dont need it if I plan on dying.
I created a time machine but it only works in my dreams and every time I wake up I know what I should have done but will never have the chance to. And it kills me.
My emotional pain has become physical.
I feel it and it wont go away.
The future isn’t some far off thing . Its right fucking now! And I could be waiting for things to get better and hoping for a better future for days, years, or months. Its a bunch of bullshit and everyone dies it doesn’t matter when you die as long as you do. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in control of your death but also I get to die when I WANT to die. Because its MY life not my moms or my sisters or my grandparents or my friends life its MINE! and the only reason people want suicidal people to stay is more selfish than them killing themselves because you want me to stay and live through this everyday 24/7 pain that they dont have to feel seeing as none of them have the same mental illnesses i have just to spare them of feelings they dont want to feel. Its bullshit. I’m sorry that you dont want to deal with the death of a loved one but boo fucking hoo. but you only want me to stay so you feel better and so you dont have to deal with a bump in the road. you dont care how i feel and when i try to act out on it you lock me away in a hospital and make someone else deal with it so you dont have to. fucking assholes dont cry at my funeral because im happy. ill be happy dead. and you never saw i was NEVER happy alive i was never truly and genuinely happy. the shit show started when i was 4 and its going to end sometimes soon.
How do you cope with memories? they are stuck in your fucking head and you have no control over them. they play when ever they want.
i want too do it. but ive survived every other attempt so my only fear is failing again.
they don’t hide under your bed.
they walk the streets with you.
they sleep under the same roof as you.
they live in your head.
and the ones who don’t believe in them
are the monsters.