I keep thinking about what I might’ve done in my past to deserve a life like this, and I realized that I screwed up alot, nothing really intentionally. So by my account I should be even with the house, debt paid in full. It seems that not the case, so now I’m beginning to wonder if this is just the hand I’ve been dealt and I just gotta play it out ??? Like I said, I’m no angel but as an adult I’ve grown and always tried to learn from my mistakes, I try to help, and give, to live right. I’ve always stayed faithful, and to an extent I still am. I keep going back to the BIBLE and to the book of JOB. and wonder where my rewards might be ??? I know I can’t be alone in feeling this way. Again being here and reading everybody’s post has opened my eyes to alot of things, One of them and the most important thing, I’m not alone in this, there’s so many people that are dealing with the same things, and as heartbreaking as that is, it’s even more heartwarming to see a family that have never met each other, be there for each other, and I have to say thank you, maybe this is part of my rewards.
I went to see uncle Tom, because our sicknesses are the same.
I never thought of that before, is genetics to blame ???
So I asked how do describe me, because words I can’t find.
He looked at me and smiled, and said you have an un-quiet mind.
An un-quiet mind ??? I’ll be damned you’re right.
That’s always been my problem, no peace in sight.
From the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep, and all the time in-between
All of the noises and voices, I just wanna scream.
But screaming won’t work, these demons I have to fight.
And they return to do battle each and every night.
One of these days this war will end.
They will defeat me, or I’ll defeat them.
Or maybe I’ll defeat myself and run, and leave them all behind.
Maybe then I can get some rest, from my un-quiet mind.
Not really sure why I’m doing this, I stumbled across this site to let family and friends know if something was to happen. Coming here I’ve read a lot of people’s personal struggles, and my heart goes out to you all, and to you FUCKS out there with your perfect lives, well you can chew on this, cause if anyone can go through what I have and not think about putting a fuckin hole through the back of your head, well you’re definitely a better man than me, so here it goes. Not gonna bother with my miserable childhood, I’ll just say my pops isn’t my real pops so I was never gonna live up to his expectations. So let’s fast forward through all the other bullshit that life had waiting for until 2001 when my first love, the mother of my 2 oldest children was killed in a car accident, speed to 2003 when my biological pops died, hmmm, 2004 is when I lost the greatest woman in my life, my momma, onwards and upwards until we get to 2012, that was the year that my oldest son, my namesake, my road dawg was killed in a car accident, ironically just like his mother, let me see, 2015 was when my little angel, my first granddaughter Passed away, oh yeah, 2 days after that we found my nephew dead of an overdose and yes, he was living with me and my wife and kids. And last but certainly not least, I lost my grandson 10 months ago, not to mention all the other friends and family along the way, Not only the deaths but I was averaging around 70-75 grand a year not a bad chunk of change, I met and married the woman of my dreams, ” my angel ” had great step kids, but like everything else I love, I lost them too. You see she just up and filed for divorce and I found out by text that day at work, yep a fuckin text letting me know my marriage was over and to pick up my clothes lol, but at least I have my job, ummm not anymore, I was laid-off 3 months ago, so now I live where I can and why wouldn’t I, everybody should have a middle aged man sleeping on their couch, I’d get another job but yep you guessed it, my car isn’t running, but yet I’m still here. Lmfao. And I swear the next guy that is in front of me and says ” everything will be ok,” or the ever popular ” well it can’t get any worse ” I’m hittin right in the fuckin mouth, cause it can get worse, and it has gotten worse, but yet there’s still those assholes that’ll say I should hold on or it’s a sin to kill yourself, let me clue you into something, the only ones that call it a sin are the fuckin Catholics, the BIBLE says blaspheming the HOLY SPIRT is the only unforgivable sin, ( yes I’ve read the BIBLE ) and if JESUS, the son of GOD HIMSELF can’t forgive me for throwing in the towel then didn’t HE die in vain ??? Think about that next you wanna judge someone, by the way, judging people is also a fuckin sin ” HYPOCRITES ” fuck it I’m done here, when I throw a slug through my head, at the end of the day it’s my choice, like everyone else’s, ” CHOICES ” that would be freewill right ???
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