So I’m 64 now and my whole life has gone by and I’ve got nothing to show. I’m still living in my parents house. I never left. I can’t afford my own apartment because I don’t have a job. I haven’t worked in over 27 years. I still havn’t had a single boyfriend at my age. I just live in my own little bubble. Get up, watch some YouTube. Go back to sleep is my routine. I am a fat slob because I have no motivation to get out of the house.
Okay so I’m not 64 yet but this is practically my life as it is today. I am getting older and older and I can’t seem to change myself anytime soon. I think I was born with this curse of a phenotype which makes me incredibly lazy, depressed and non-social. I know because I’ve been like this ever since I was a kid and it is so hard for me to do otherwise. My quality of life is so poor right now, and it’s just a cycle that goes round and round.
My life is empty, pointless and meaningless.
I don’t have any omph/ passion for life.
I do the same thing everyday. Get up do nothing. Go to bed.
Just waiting for time to pass day by day.
I’m basically the walking dead.
All I ever do is sleep all day.
I have no job because I’m a lazy fuck.
I have no friends cause I’m a lazy fuck.
I don’t think it’s going to get better.
I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember.
I don’t want to go to hell (if there is one).
I have my family to think about.
I don’t think I have what it takes to commit suicide.
I’m afraid of pain and of the unknown,
And I don’t want to end up as a cripple if plans don’t follow through.
At the moment.
Yet still single.
Never had a boyfriend.
Will I become one of those cliche
40 year old virgin
Should I just be in a relationship for the sack of being in a relationship?
Even if I don’t feel a connection.
What is wrong with me.
I hate my life…
I converted from being agnostic to being a Christian a while back because I believe that God had given me a love so great that it must have been blessed by the stars above. It was so great that it had the power to restore my faith in God and I promised that no matter how the relationship turned out I would continue to love and serve God. I announced to the world that I have converted to Christianity. Unfortunately this love which was too good to be true really was too good to be true, as it was just my mind playing up on me. The whole story can be read here: http://suicideproject.org/2015/07/confessions-of-a-psycho-stalker. Long story short, I believe I am suffering from erotomania and none of what I thought was real actually was. It was merely my mind distorting random messages on Facebook.
So given the love, which was the one thing that restored my faith in God, never did exist I do not know if I should still continue to believe in such God. For one thing, having announced my new found devotion to God to the world, my family now have an expectation that I will do what Christians do e.g. Go to church. I had also had associated the blissful state of ecstacy (the feeling of being in love) with God and it feels as though my soul heals through my spiritual encounter with God. But if that one thing that drove me to God never existed, it just does not make any logical sense to continue with my faith. If there is a God, why would he let me see the light only to have my lenses taken away from me. I wish for anything that that love was real and that I’m not just crazy but it looks as though the latter is true. So what do I go on believing now?
My whole world came crashing down today when I realised my whole world is not what it seemed and I am really in fact a stalker. It all started around two or three years ago, when I took a dance class with a dance teacher I never had before. I had not even walked into the room and I believe he was staring at me with awe in his eyes. I notice that he would pay special attention to me in class and when he told us to freestyle he looked uncomfortable but it as though he was getting turned on. This uncomfortable look was a different but equally unusual to the uncomfortable look he would give when I thanked him after class. I came to the conclusion that all this must be because he likes me.
So I decided to do a search on him on Google. He was very popular, he had toured around the world, dancing and choreographing and had over 10,000 followers on his Facebook fan page. I followed all his social media accounts, his Facebook personal (but made public) account and fan page, Twitter and Instagram accounts. I messaged him on facebook telling him I adored his Facebook classes but he never replied. Soon enough, I believed a lot of his posts were targeted at me and when he would announce the songs he would choreograph to, I truly believed that he was choreographing specific songs for me, so I would more likely come to his class. I never actually got to due to my anxiety levels at the time.
I messaged him a few more times on facebook exposing all my feelings for him, even messaged a drawing which I created of him and it was months later after I made a public post about people responding to fan mail that he actually got back to me telling me that he was ‘gay’. I fell into deep depression and actually considered suicide. Then a thought came to the back of my mind, what if he is actually gay but still has a thing for me which he was trying to repress. Due to mutual friends, one of his posts showed up on my news feed I innocently replied to his posts. He full went off at me telling me he was gay and even blocked me. You think I would get the message by now but no I was still in denial thinking it was a one off phase – you know when you get angry but then are able to calm down.
And that after he calmed down, he again began his secret posts of love to me. A few months later, I came to believe his friends got curious of whose his posts where directed too and I believed he told them about us because soon after his friends who happen to also have a large fanbase are now also suiting me like he was doing. I believed I held a lot of power due to these famous people admiring me. By this time, I actually believed and acted as if I was in some sort of relationship with him. Though because we weren’t friends on Facebook I communicated by publicly repost any relationships related posts from my newsfeed. I believed it so much I literally cried and couldn’t bring myself to do anything for two weeks whole weeks when he announced he was leaving for Melbourne. I found out he had to move because of his financial situation and it made me feel better.
One time he posted, two marriage related videos at the same time and I believed this was because he wanted to marry me. I did not want my intimate life to be public for the whole world to see seeing now I was close to becoming well known myself (from being admired by a number of famous people), so I began private messaging him from another account (because he blocked me on my main account) telling him what I’d like to do to him in sexually explicit detail. He blocked me on that account and several other accounts I have made under my name and he now has his personal accounts on private. Confused by all this, I went and facebook messaged his friends to ask if it was real. All of them, either avoid giving me a straight answer or denied it altogether. I was then willing to pay them to tell me the ‘truth’.
Alas, my university days of critical thinking came back to me when I realise there was no null hypothesis for the ‘truth’, there couldn’t be because I wouldn’t accept it. I realised that I was essentially paying someone not for the truth but for telling me what I wanted to hear. Then I thought about the possibility of it all not being real and now each day I am in limbo, rechecking his posts, his friend’s posts and my own post to see the connection. It baffles me how all this can happen and it is not even real. While I can acknowledge this is likely the case and adjusting to this new reality, in my mind and in my heart I still have yet completely move on. I have made this my world for so many years. I have so many strong feelings and attachment. I don’t know if I can ever really completely move on.
I getting closer to 30 years old.
I am currently unemployed.
And apart from a few casual jobs which I could never last in,
I have never worked a day in my life.
I don’t have any friends.
In fact I don’t have any good rapport with anyone.
Which means I have absolutely no references.
I am still on my learners license after 9 years and 3 expiries.
I do nothing all day.
I am lazy and have no motivation.
Is there any hope for me at all?
Imagine falling head over heels in love with someone. You have been in love with this person, thinking about them, obsessing over them 24/7 for 3 years and it’s still going on. You find out that the intend to propose to you and you couldn’t be happier. You are in a state of ecstasy. In a state of unbelief, that you have to pinch yourself to make sure that everything is real and you are not dreaming.
You really arn’t dreaming but it’s not real. The unconditional love you felt from that someone – it’s not real. The plans that you would be together for ever in holy matrimony – that isn’t real. Because you were never in a relationship. And it becomes clear that that person hates you after blocking in several accounts. That feeling of ecstacy is quickly overtaken by feelings of inadequacy and heartbreak.
That is what I have just experienced. I thought he was sending me secret messages of how much he loved me. Even after he blocked me, I continued messaging him delusionally thinking he was just playing a game and he wanted me to continue to profess my love. You are curious to find out the truth and when people confirm that you are crazy, you then tempt them with money to tell you the real ‘truth’.
That is me and now three years from when you first met, here I am. Take a walk into my footsteps.
I attempted to commit suicide a few days ago. Unfortunately I got caught and was sent to hospital. I have to say staying in public psychiatric hospital has got to be the most degrading experience of my life. Here is my story of stay in a psychiatric ward:
On the 20th October 2014, I had the unfortunate experience of dealing with the nurses on morning duty at the Adult Acute Ward. Just before the morning meeting, I had noticed that I got my menstrual cycle because my pants had blood stains on the crotch area. I asked one of the nurses if I could take a shower explaining to her I was bleeding due to my menstrual cycle. One of the nurses, Sarah*, told me that I could not have a shower and that I would have to wait until shower time which is after dinner to have a shower. I knocked on the door again showing her the blood stains on my pants which was covered by my oversized jumper. She basically restated what she had said, gave me a sanitary pad and slammed the door on me before I could reply. I knocked on the door again as I wanted to explain to her that sanitary pads would not help because I’m already soaked in my blood and do not have access to the clothes because they locked all the rooms. I was ignored and when I put my foot on in front of the door while it was opened to stop them from ignoring me, Sarah threatened me with a sedation injection. When I asked to speak to the unit manager, I was further patronised and rudely spoken to by a nurse whom I believe was named Tanya*. Sarah had refused to give me the other staff’s name even though I have read in the rights sheet that I am entitled to an introduction from the staff. Tanya had told me that if I had not have given them ‘attitude’, they would have let me take a shower and that the Unit Manager is currently on her break. I now know they lied to me about the name of the unit manager as there I later found out there is no staff by that name.
Soon afterwards, I noticed the Unit Manager was in her room. I knocked on the door, told her my story and offered to make a statement in writing. She told me that a written statement was not necessary. I explained that maybe if I was able to write it down that I would be better able to express myself and be able to give more detail. She specifically instructed me not to and reassured me that she understood what I was saying and that she would investigate the problem. Her investigation consisted of simply speaking to the nurse and nothing more. No other staff were interviewed, no patients were interviewed, not even whether or not I accept or deny her side of the story was taken into consideration in determining her decision of doing nothing regarding the rudeness displayed by the nurses. The story of the nurse was solely regarded as truth and I was further spoken to in a condescending manner (which I could not believe it was coming from the head nurse). I believe that she condoned their behaviour by stating that “we are all human” as if that is suppose to justify having a lack of consequences for their behaviour or resolve the problem at hand. She claimed that I was not allowed to take a shower due to shortage of staff and yet with the same amount of staff, they soon after we’re able to accommodate my needs to take a shower. There were at least 3-5 people at the nurses bay and even more outside. Most of them were actively ignoring me, talking between themselves or looking at their phones.
I love you.
My love for you is illogical like a person living two lives at the same point in time.
I go crazy thinking about you. Every minute of every day, from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed, you circle my mind over and over again.
I ache for you deeply but you know what they say ‘absense makes the heart grow fonder’.
And you know my heart yerns for you.
I hate you. I fucking hate you.
I hate you for tricking me into loving you.
Your social media commentary, the way you would pay extra attention to me –
I hate that you publicly embarresed me and made it as if it was my fault.
I’m not the one who needs to calm down, I’m not the one who is crazy –
I hate you for your hatred towards me.
But still I love you.
Because like I said, my love for you is illogical as illogical that may be.
Mental Health Week ends today in my country. I am very lucky to live in a country that is pretty accepting of mental health issues but even with it’s national recognition on media and such, I can tell you that I still continue to have stigma placed upon me from first hand experience. For instances, I was tricked into disclosing my health issues during a job interview and it was so obvious from what the lady said, wrote and acted after I did disclose my mental health problems that I wasn’t going to get the job. I stupidly tell people that I am feeling suicidal and they all go running to the other side – not wanting to have anything to do with me. Even mental health staff who are suppose to make a living out of helping those with mental illness in their recovery, I have heard them bitching about about certain clients, not providing the necessary assistance and even lying to them about the recovery activities available that day because they did not want to deal with certain clients. I have mixed thoughts on mental health week. On one hand, I do think that stigma should end but on the other hand I don’t know if it is all talk and no heartfelt action – designed to make it harder for us to commit suicide without addressing why we are commiting suicide in the first place.
I found a supplier online who claims to sell ********. I emailed them saying I would like to order 1x 100mg of a ******** Solution for $450 (the price that they have mentioned). They requested that I transfer the money via Money Gram. I’ve never heard of Money Gram before let alone used it so I asked if I could pay via PayPal. They replied that PayPal have froze their account because they don’t support voluntary euthanasia. I did some research and there is no consumer protection for Money Gram as there is with PayPal. Do you think that I am being scammed? Or is it more likely that it is a genuine company suppling ******** to those who are desperate to end their suffering?
The world we live in are filled up with a bunch of friggen hypocrites. Oh I’m a leech am I for costing taxpayers money because I am having a difficult time holding down a job but at the same time I get put on suicide watch if I say I want to kill myself to save everyone the burden of having me around. Hypocrites!
My life is a living nightmare. I want to die so badly but I can’t ever seem to follow though any plans to commit suicide. It isn’t about anything religious or some sort of moral dilemma. I guess half of reason I am unable to go through with it is the immense pain suicide may be. I mean let’s face it, jumping from a really tall building and having your bones crushed into a million pieces doesn’t seem very attractive as does jumping in front of a train. I have heard so many failed suicide attempts that I fear being in immense pain in a vegetative state. But even with the magical pill of ******** which is said to bring a peaceful death, I still cannot see myself commiting suicide which brings me to my second reason – being a living being is all I have ever known. I do not fear so much the afterlife but everything that I know, my perception of everything will be nothing. It is just too extreme for me to do. My family will be nothing, everything I ever enjoyed will be nothing, I will be nothing. Even when I was in such a bad state that I was hospitalised for not eating and catatonia as a result of my depression, I wanted to die so badly but couldn’t do it.
So instead what I have decided is to do is shorten my life expectancy. It already has been an easy and natural path for me. I have stopped taking dance class because I no longer find joy in dance or any form of exercise for that matter. I don’t have a job so I just live a sedentary lifestyle doing nothing but laying in bed or on the couch. I continue to eat the most unhealthiest food which I find the most yummiest. I have stopped visiting the doctor for all my physical health problems. I don’t get screened for anything no vaccinated which causes me anxiety anyway. I mean who the hell likes needles or getting your boobs painfully squished together? I no longer follow the required intake instructions in regards to my medication for my physical health problems which is easy since I forget to take them anyway. I have seized making contact with any acquaintances as I have read social isolation and not having a partner can shorten your life expectancy. Probably the only people I speak to and see is my family because I live under their roof or people in the mental health services. It doesn’t bother me too much since I am not a social type of person. My self-care duties e.g. showering, are appalling and this is either due to my depression or me just being damn lazy.
I recently overheard a conversation of a 13 year old who commited suicide and it made me feel so much more of a failure that I cannot bring myself to do it but people who are younger and more naive than me can. I mean people do it all the time but I cannot even attempt it even with a plan in place. It just makes me look like an attention seeker when I tell people I feel like killing myself. It makes it look like I do not want to die badly enough when in reality I really do.
How would you define a loser?
Would a 25 year old who cannot hold down a job for more than 6 weeks without getting fired and who has been unemployed for about 2 years qualify? Still living under your parents roof?
How about the person of the same age never having been in a relationship or have even had a real kiss? (The main issue being societies expectations. It does not really bother me too much.)
Or what about having no real friends because you have such poor social skills, get socially anxious and are known to have a temper? Where even mental health staff have given up on you.
We’ll let me tell you, I am all of these things. I am the definition of a loser – a lazy, neurotic, egocentric loser.
And this is why I deserve to die.
I am very sorry for the hurt I am about to cause you and everyone who has loved me. You have been the best mother a daughter could ever hope for and I know I would not have lasted this long if it was not for you. You know I have been battling my depression for as long as I can remember. The medication has evidently not been working and I just want the pain to end. I don’t belong in this world and I don’t see things changing anytime soon. I just want you to know that it was never my intention to hurt you.
I love you very much.