So I guess I’m having a crisis over art and gender. Idk my art style anymore and anything a draw/make isn’t good enough. It’s kinda stressing me out because art has been the one thing I could rely on. Idk. Also I’ve been feeling some derealization? Idk. It’s like nothing feels like it’s real but it’s not like the classic derealization/depersonalization/dissociation that psychologists know. Idk. But the derealization feels a lot like what I previously described as dysphoria so now I’m like what if I’m not actually nonbinary. Idk. bit stressed and overwhelmed and I feel like I should die? idk. Logically I know I shouldn’t but idk anymore.
idk whats wrong with me. no matter what i do nothing is good enough. I have a d in calc and im questioning gender again and march 15 is coming up. i planned to die two years ago on that day and fuck. everything hurts and i wanna relapse and i’ve lost all motivation to stay clean or do anything and fuck. i just want everything to be over.
I’ve stopped taking my meds in hopes of bringing back all the shittiness and to maybe store meds for if I ever decide to kill myself and I tell myself that it’s better than feeling numb but I honestly just hate myself and I feel so uncomfortable unless my chest is bound and I don’t know why. but I just wanna fucking die. I’m so tired and I hate myself and I can’t find the energy to do anything and I can’t reach out to anyone and my mom won’t stop preaching about god and I’m all alone and fuck. I really just wanna die. would I be found quickly if I killed myself at school cause I don’t want my parents to find me but I really just want to kill myself. my mom found my blades so she took those but I need something to control so I’ve tried to stop eating lunch but I can’t cause I’m fucking weak but I’m too fat and I just want to kill myself. I hate my body. someone kill me
Ok. So for a while now, I’ve identified as agender but I honestly don’t really know if that’s the right label? cause like, I’ve cut my hair, and I’m feeling a bit better with myself and I’m more comfortable with people calling me Jackie and not Jacqueline but I dunno. Like, I don’t feel right with people touching me or like, people talking about me as a girl but it doesn’t feel wrong? like, I love hearing people call me Jackie and not Jacqueline and I really have no clue what I’m feeling. Like, am I trans? i dunno. i have no clue what I am. like, most of the time I’m comfortable with my chest but then i can’t stand it other times and like, i could never refer to my chest as boobs even though that’s “technically” what they are. but like, I don’t identify with no gender I don’t think but that was the label that fit me best I felt but I dunno. Like, one time, my sister took my phone and sent to a new group chat I got invited to that I was Jacqueline but it felt so wrong and i dunno. help? like, demigirl sounds maybe right but I don’t feel right calling myself a girl but I don’t feel comfortable calling myself a boy and it’s not like anyone in my family is going to help me figure this out cause they’re too focused on my depression and shit and they’re all Christians and my mom just doesn’t care/believe this stuff. Like, I have no clue what to do? Like, do I not feel right in my body because of stupid fucking self harm or is it dysphoria? I don’t rly know what to do and I don’t know what I’m feeling and like, i’m sixteen but what if this feeling is just adolescence and puberty and stuff like that? Like, what am I? Like, thinking about people introducing me as a she doesn’t feel right but neither does anything else and i rly don’t know. Like, thinking about this stuff makes me even more uncomfortable but I don’t know. Help? My parents have started to become more controlling with phones and text and they want me to talk to people but like they cut me off from everyone so I really don’t know what to do anymore? So I dunno. Offing myself really does sound like a good idea but I can’t hurt anyone but like I don’t know. There’s too many emotions but none at all? I can’t put it into words. Like, there’s only so much writing on a google doc will do. I need other people’s advice and help but I can’t because of my parents?
I don’t really know where to start with this. The school year’s just begun but I already feel like I’m dying. Like, I really just want it to end and I feel all alone and I dunno. I know that people would miss me if I died but now I just can’t bring myself to really care as much. I’m just empty and numb and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Like, why can’t I just move out and go to college already so that I can fuck up my life without anyone here to see. Like, why was I born. Why do I exist? Why can’t someone just kill me already. I’m stupid and worthless and I don’t take good enough care of my pets and I’m not responsible and I don’t do homework but I just don’t care. Like, why can’t someone just end me already? I dunno. Everything’s crashing down around me even though there was nothing there to begin with. I feel like my life is falling apart when nothing’s happening. Like, why am I not dead yet? I dunno. I don’t see much point in anything anymore. Like, my meds really don’t feel like they’re doing much even though I’m probably better off than where I was a year ago but I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. I’m so tired of living. I suck at writing stories, I suck at school, I suck at playing violin, I’m a horrible caretaker for my pets, I’m useless, I’m selfish, I feel like I’m just faking everything for attention and I don’t even know if that’s true. Like, am I faking this or is it genuine? And if it’s genuine, why can’t I be like normal people and not bring attention to by problems. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I be responsible and stop making excuses for myself. I should just get it together. I’m so tired of everything. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.
So I want to die. Like honestly. I’m so done with everything. Mom’s banning me from watching Criminal Minds (Because it’s “corrupting my mind”) and my parents took all the locks off my doors and I really just want to cut. I’m tired of living here and I’m already sick of summer break. Goddddd. Just frustrated.
I can’t figure out my gender either. Like I thought I was agender but then what if I’m FTM trans? I dunno. I’m just realizing this now too. It’s not something I ever knew from a young age. Is that even possible? Also, can you be FTM trans without bottom dysphoria? cause I know it requires dysphoria of some sort and I have chest dysphoria but not really bottom? Ugh. I feel like I’m faking it.
My dad is open to it but also thinks that I need to focus on therapy right now and he thinks it might change in the future. My mom is a conservative Christian when it comes to LGBT things and doesn’t even believe me, saying I’m reaching for the easiest solution/answer.
Ugh. I feel like I’m falling behind everyone. Like, I used to be top of my class and now I have a D in WHAP. (AP World History). I can’t answer anything correctly and like, every time I think I know the answer and pick it I end up missing the question no matter how much I study. The AP test is Thursday and I am so so so not ready for it. I’m studying like crazy and I still think it’s not enough.
Like, I’m not even supposed to be here yet I am and then I can’t see myself next year and I can’t anymore. Like I rly just want to die. I can’t write, I can’t focus, I can’t learn, I can’t do anything right. I’m just a failure. I should just do everyone a favor and kms.
I have no friends at school and my friend from last year isn’t really my friend and I think we’re drifting so I have no friends that I can talk to and all I want to do is go back to DBT Group where I had friends and people I could talk to and relate to and I didn’t feel like I was annoying them. I think I’m annoying everyone. Like ugh. I’m just a nuisance and should just kms.
Hell. It’s either death or blood. I dunno. I’m done trying to get better.
GENDER IDENTITY STUFF
Nvm. I’m too lazy. I’ll deal with this later.
Ok, so this is really weird but, like, I really miss being able to cry. Like I started meds about 7 months ago and since then, I’ve been unable to have a really good cry regularly. It feels like I’m on the edge of a breakdown and I really hate this feeling. Like, I kinda want to go back to last year when I was crying almost every day because at least then I had some way of releasing whatever I was feeling. Like, now my only way of releasing my emotions when I can’t draw or write is through self harm but even that doesn’t work as well as crying for a good thirty or so minutes. I dunno. Maybe it’s just me?
Also, we’re apparently limited to one post/day so I guess I’ll just shove everything on here?
I was supposed to die in March. But i didn’t so now I’m in “uncharted waters” but I rly just wanna kms. I’m so scared. I don’t have a plan for this type of thing.