So I just got out of inpatient like maybe a week and a half ago and I’m feeling a bit better. Still sad and shit but better. Now I have motivation to do things
Boyfriend is very stressed and at the point of a mental breakdown. He might go inpatient. I’m scared of losing him and as much as I might not want him to go inpatient, if he needs to go I want him to go. Rn my primary stress is catching up on schoolwork and worrying about my bf. I’m just scared of losing him.
So I guess I’m having a crisis over art and gender. Idk my art style anymore and anything a draw/make isn’t good enough. It’s kinda stressing me out because art has been the one thing I could rely on. Idk. Also I’ve been feeling some derealization? Idk. It’s like nothing feels like it’s real but it’s not like the classic derealization/depersonalization/dissociation that psychologists know. Idk. But the derealization feels a lot like what I previously described as dysphoria so now I’m like what if I’m not actually nonbinary. Idk. bit stressed and overwhelmed and I feel like I should die? idk. Logically I know I […]
idk whats wrong with me. no matter what i do nothing is good enough. I have a d in calc and im questioning gender again and march 15 is coming up. i planned to die two years ago on that day and fuck. everything hurts and i wanna relapse and i’ve lost all motivation to stay clean or do anything and fuck. i just want everything to be over.
I’ve stopped taking my meds in hopes of bringing back all the shittiness and to maybe store meds for if I ever decide to kill myself and I tell myself that it’s better than feeling numb but I honestly just hate myself and I feel so uncomfortable unless my chest is bound and I don’t know why. but I just wanna fucking die. I’m so tired and I hate myself and I can’t find the energy to do anything and I can’t reach out to anyone and my mom won’t stop preaching about god and I’m all alone and fuck. I really just wanna die. […]
Ok. So for a while now, I’ve identified as agender but I honestly don’t really know if that’s the right label? cause like, I’ve cut my hair, and I’m feeling a bit better with myself and I’m more comfortable with people calling me Jackie and not Jacqueline but I dunno. Like, I don’t feel right with people touching me or like, people talking about me as a girl but it doesn’t feel wrong? like, I love hearing people call me Jackie and not Jacqueline and I really have no clue what I’m feeling. Like, am I trans? i dunno. i have no clue what I […]
I don’t really know where to start with this. The school year’s just begun but I already feel like I’m dying. Like, I really just want it to end and I feel all alone and I dunno. I know that people would miss me if I died but now I just can’t bring myself to really care as much. I’m just empty and numb and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Like, why can’t I just move out and go to college already so that I can fuck up my life without anyone here to see. Like, why was I born. Why […]
So I want to die. Like honestly. I’m so done with everything. Mom’s banning me from watching Criminal Minds (Because it’s “corrupting my mind”) and my parents took all the locks off my doors and I really just want to cut. I’m tired of living here and I’m already sick of summer break. Goddddd. Just frustrated.
I can’t figure out my gender either. Like I thought I was agender but then what if I’m FTM trans? I dunno. I’m just realizing this now too. It’s not something I ever knew from a young age. Is that even possible? Also, can you be FTM trans without bottom […]
Ugh. I feel like I’m falling behind everyone. Like, I used to be top of my class and now I have a D in WHAP. (AP World History). I can’t answer anything correctly and like, every time I think I know the answer and pick it I end up missing the question no matter how much I study. The AP test is Thursday and I am so so so not ready for it. I’m studying like crazy and I still think it’s not enough.
Like, I’m not even supposed to be here yet I am and then I can’t see myself next year and I can’t […]
Ok, so this is really weird but, like, I really miss being able to cry. Like I started meds about 7 months ago and since then, I’ve been unable to have a really good cry regularly. It feels like I’m on the edge of a breakdown and I really hate this feeling. Like, I kinda want to go back to last year when I was crying almost every day because at least then I had some way of releasing whatever I was feeling. Like, now my only way of releasing my emotions when I can’t draw or write is through self harm but even that […]
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