Right now I’m playing Pharrell Williams’ song “Happy” loud, on repeat, not because I’m happy. I’m trying to vanquish the way I feel.
I feel hopeless and desperate.
I know that this feeling, this depression will ease up. Trick is to hang in there until it does. No mean feat. I’m a veteran at hanging in there until the blues passes. It just so terrible that it always has to come back.
I feel as though I am running out of the resources to deal with this.
I can be in a good place surrounded by people that I love and still be fighting the suicide demons. Still have tears arrive unbidden. I hate my lack of control over the crying thing. If asked why the tears, I would be hard pushed to explain.
Yes there are challenges in my life at the moment. I’ve been off sick since September with depression. My 20 year career with current employers is nearing an end because of this. I have confirmation that they have accepted my application for partial ill health retirement, it will take a couple of months for the process to be complete. I feel so ashamed that I have to take that route. Accept failure. Accept the limitations of my illness, (BPD). I am sorry that I let my my mum down by not being able to keep my chin up.
I feel so much pain from a sense of loneliness. It is like grief. It hurts.
I know it is not safe for me to stay by myself much longer. I need to go and stay with my mother. Over the past 8 months I’ve spent most of my time on my own.
It is hard for me to be around other people and it is equally hard for me to be by myself.
I just need to find the energy to clean up my house and sort out a few things before I go. Everything takes such an effort. My home is in a bad state. I haven’t been able to cook myself a proper meal in months because the kitchen is in such a state. My fridge smells like there is a corpse in it. I’ve been living on noodles and pies and sandwiches.
I wish I could be well enough to consider being in a relationship with another person. I’ve been single most of my adult life. When people ask me why I don’t do conventional relationships I always tell them that I need to sort myself out before that is possible. If I was to embark on a relationship with the way I often feel, it would be like trying to build a house on sand, with no solid foundation. I feel sad that this will likely never happen.
I know the answer is not me being able to fall in love with and trust another human being, but instead, being able to fall in love with and trust myself.
You know what typing this has helped take some of the edge off.