I’ve never asked for help from SP, I’ve been more of the venting type, and looking and responding to comments people leave on my stuff, in general. But I’m asking now for what people think, perhaps even advice. I don’t know what I’m looking for in this, maybe I just need to vent all of this out at once, and have it all in one place, right here. I’m not sure…. I don’t think anyone’s words can sway my convictions or make me want to live, but I do want to hear the words anyone has on this, even if it may not help, please […]
Oathkeeper
Finding it harder and harder to stay……
I’ve got no reason to. So why should I?
No reason to live.
Don’t want to live with these feelings anymore.
I’m wasting my time…..
Senior year of college, don’t give a fuck about school, don’t want to go back, it is full of horrible memories of anxiety and blood, and giving up and attempted suicide…. messed up quite badly, I’d need a 5th year to graduate….. I want to give a fuck about school, but things just don’t matter to me anymore……..I don’t have much longer till classes start again…hoping […]
Okay so….
Why is it that a lot of people automatically attribute being depressed, being suicidal, starving yourself, ANXIETY, wanting to die, wanting to kill yourself, wanting to cut or hurt yourself, as mental illness?
Just because someone feels and does these things, does not mean they are “mentally ill”.
Just because I want to kill myself, just because I’ve tried to, does not make me sick in the head. I chose to try that, I choose to cut myself, I choose to say and think rationally that I would rather drop dead. What is “ill” about that? Because I don’t really want to live anymore, […]
Does SP have some kind of talking channel, in real-time, specifically for SP only? What do people use? Would it be a good idea to have one? Maybe not necessarily for things that we post on this site, but for easy real-time messages, in the case of…. I don’t know, wanting to free your mind? Needing instant words, or just plain talking…. no idea. Any takers?
~Oathkeeper
I am shifting the meaning of my name, from the reason I first made it (along with inspiration from the Oathkeeper keyblade from KH) which was to keep a certain promise to someone, to this now:
To make an oath with myself, that I will simply, be me. I will be myself. I will be me to the very end, even if that end is killing myself. Which is quite preferable.
I am Oathkeeper.
~Oathkeeper
I have abstained from cutting myself…. it’s been 21 days since the last time, but I don’t feel better at all, I feel the lowest I ever have, and it’s extremely hard to not just take a knife and slice that shit up, ’cause dammit I want to….. but I also don’t…….but I do. I am broken, I need to show that pain on the outside, get out the anxiety and anger and frustrations and sadness out…..I have nothing to vent into, really want to pick up a knife. You could say “get a hobby”, well I do stuff, mostly. But whatever I do my […]
Eyelids heavy
Stomach empty
The pressure builds within me.
Anxiety high
Not getting by
Thinking only of endings.
~A poem by me~
~Oathkeeper
And I just want to drive a knife through my wrist
Everything is colorless and void of anything. I have the little cares to avoid annoying things as to not stupidly disrupt my minutes, hours and days of being dragged forward unrelenting on the ground by time, but overall I think I can say I don’t really care about myself or anything like that, especially not the future, or of things getting better. I genuinely would want to live; if I were in a position where I didn’t want to constantly kill myself.
I went 9.5 days having barely eaten a thing. I ate last night and feel disgusted at that, but I suppose all is not […]
I was doing okay…..I was getting better… I still had problems sure, I still had anxiety fits and minor thoughts of self harm, but I genuinely was happy and wanted to live, looked forward to each day and the next..I was 94 days clean of self harm…and it all came crashing down in a matter of days………. now I just want to die again… how could someone that loves you discard you so easily, and ignore you completely….won’t even talk about why…won’t tell me why she’s suddenly treating me like a piece of shit, when all I ever was, was great to her….she is making […]
It’s been a little while once again since I’ve visited…. since the end of december.
If anyone remembers my earlier posts, well I kinda just wanted to tell you a little bit of how things are going for me…
I am doing much better…my life has been turned around. I don’t feel the need or desire to pick up that knife anymore… I’m only 20 days clean of self-harm, but I don’t think I will need it anymore. I’m over halfway past the longest period of time without harming, and once I reach my longest time, every day after that, can be another day added to the […]
If I had a way to kill myself today, christmas day, I fuckin would………. I’d give everyone a lovely present, maybe a bow or two, and throw some green glitter down for holiday cheer, to accompany all the blood.
Maybe I need some of that glitter anyways, my wrist could look pretty festive right now with all that sparkly green and lovely red.
~Oathkeeper
I’m losing…. oathkeeper, right.. huh, I broke my promise some months ago, not much of an oathkeeper.. would she care much if I told her I’ve tried to off myself several times?
For those of you that may be able to enjoy the holidays, please […]
Have so many words to say. So many things that need saying, but unable to speak them, unable to write them, unable to type them. Unable to speak to the person I most want to see and talk with. I’m not even sure I know what I’m thinking… I have so many words, but don’t know what to say…
other than
I’ll be cutting myself right about now. Hope it’s bloody.
On a positive note, I think this is a nice song. It’s in Japanese but the beauty of music is not all in the words now is it. Song: Kuchizuke Diamond, and Opening to anime Yamada and the Seven […]
For me, it would definitely be love… someone to love me, to care about me, to need me…to keep me anchored to life. Someone that wants to see me and hear my voice everyday. Someone I would not want to hurt by killing myself, simply because they love me and I love them…
What about you guys, the title question? What’s your answer?
~Oathkeeper
My life is nothing without her…. absolutely nothing… I am a worthless piece of SHIT that needs to FUCKING DIE ALREADY!!! I can’t fucking deal with this…. all I do is cut myself and bleed and bleed and bleed………Wrist side elbow to the hand is [FUCKED UP] and bleeding, it stings but not as much as my heart does every fucking day. I couldn’t even cut into the radial artery when I tried, not fucking deep enough…..I wish I’d died that day, it would have been the perfect “fuck you all” message to everyone, on my birthday….a month and a half has passed since then and […]
Question to the ones with self harm scars on arm(s) or anywhere really. Curious.
How do you do it, hide it all the time, or do you? Do you let it show?
If you hide it all the time, does there come a time where you must wear clothing in which you can no longer hide?
I was thinking about this one the other day too: What if you needed to see a doctor? They like to do physical check ups once in a while and especially if you haven’t been in for awhile. They’d see. I don’t know how to feel about that.
When I started, I started […]
You know you guys all have good insight that can’t be gained through normal means. Isn’t it weird that the suicidal ones seem to know the real gems of life, the truths in which we tell others that can be life-altering, but yet we don’t follow it ourselves. Some of us have such breathtaking views and words for others. And a lot of you are so insightful, with inspiring words and views/thoughts that people living normally just can’t see, because they have not been, where we are now. I’m pretty good with words most of the time, but I learned things from coming here, and also confirmed […]
been a few months since I’ve been here….I don’t know why, but suddenly, I just couldn’t bring myself to keep coming here to read everything.. guess I got tired….
that and some of the comments people leave, comments that go against what this site is about, is also why I stopped I think…
Oh well….. why did I decide to click on the saved page? Why did I come here? I have no idea…..
But here I am… might as well get some stuff off my chest.
potential trigger warning ahead
Tried to kill myself on my birthday, wouldn’t that have been the worst “fuck you” to everyone…turned 21…. that was […]
I’m so fucking tired of this shit… Why do I bother doing anything at all, when I just want to disappear forever. There’s me and all my fucking problems, then there’s work that makes it so much worse, then there’s college which also makes it worse. I’m so fucking stupid I can’t even do my fucking college work, I spend so much time on it to get nowhere….such a fucking idiot, how did I make it this damn far… kill me kill me kill me. I NEVER thought that I would ever end up suicidal, wanting to kill myself. I used to wonder why people […]