It’s 4:30 in the morning and no one will listen to my stupid nonsense. It’s been a little over a year since my last post on here and I’m basically in the exact same boat still. I’m still bald at 20, I haven’t had sex in 4 years, I’m down to just a handful of friends, and now to throw an even bigger wrench in my plot, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m trans which is exactly what I need living in rural New York. I know my friends care about me cause they still won’t let me die no matter how badly I want to, but what’s the point? So I can trudge through week after week of the same old song and dance? I’m on antidepressants and I still just can’t seem to put in the slightest bit of effort into fixing my situation, it’s mind boggling. I know I’m still too much of a wimp to even go through with killing myself too, and I just genuinely don’t know what to do. I’ve been just trying to take it day by day and it has its ups and downs now thanks to the meds but fuck, when it rains it pours. I know I just need to get my ass in gear, lose some damn weight, and just fucking transition but I’m just too damn lazy. I just wanted to vent a little, thanks for reading.
I’m 19 years old, I’ve already gone completely bald and people constantly confuse me for being in my early 30’s. I have about 2 friends left cause everyone else has crossed me or just simply moved on and it’s not like it’s easy to make new friends with people your age when you look old enough to be their dad. I’ve never had a girlfriend before, which is pretty understandable cause I’m overweight and just generally ugly as sin, and every chance I ever did have was quickly swiped by my man whore of a brother who would use them for a short while then get rid of them when he got bored. I also simply just don’t have any aspirations because I just can’t seem to care, I was raised from just a small child that I don’t matter and I’m a piece of crap, it’s to the point where the only thing that will really cheer me up is a bit of lsd. But overall I’m just so alone and I’m just so tired of being so alone and I also don’t see things changing anytime soon, and I can’t tell you how tired I am of the “oh if you got out more you’d feel a lot better” or the quintessential “there’s somebody for everyone”, but hell maybe there is but I’m just so tired of waiting, it’s been years of this crap. Heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak, and the best part of that is that I know it’s not their fault, it’s mine for even getting attached when there’s nothing there anyway, and I really do mean nothing. It also doesn’t help that I’m just so goddamn weird, I do not fit in at all. If actual pieces of human trash are happy and are surrounded by people that care about them, then wouldn’t that mean there’s something wrong with me? And it’s not even like I can talk about it to anyone really, on paper my life isn’t so bad, and I’m painfully aware of it and it just makes it that much worse because I don’t know why I wanna die so bad, it’s not like I can just fix the thing that’s making me sad. I’m just so tired of all this and I can feel that the end is near, but I’ll probably just wuss out of it at the last second because I know I’d hurt people with my absence. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Sorry for my crappy post and wasting the time of the people that read it.