I just posted a few hours ago so..sorry for the double post but…I want to know if anyone has been through what I have..i lost my wife and 1 year old daughter about 5 months ago and I wanna talk to someone who has been through something similar. It’s funny…I read all these other posts and..I dont mean to make their problems seem less but…they all seem so trival, you want to kill yourself because you wanna get away from “soceity”, cause you don’t have an xbox? So many of these posts are just such small things. You lose your fucking daughter..and wife..then you can say something. Anyways that got off track. I have facebook and skype if anyone has been through something similar…it’s the most unbearable pain imaginable.
Goddammit…I just test fired the gun to make sure it was working..it does. That just scared the hell out of me. I cannot keep living like this..my fucking wife and daughter are gone..for fucking ever and I cant fucking do this..but fuck…Im just to goddamkn scared of pulling the trigger
I’m laying here looking out the window..it’s been pouring all day, and the sky is so dark..you can’t see 2 feet in front of you. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat..hell, I broke my foot and a toe..I can’t even walk. So I’m just laying here staring into the gray outside. I can’t stop thinking about them..about how nothing can bring them back..it was a fiancee and daughter, if anyone reading this was wondering. She was a little over a year old, and the most adorable thing ever..she’d play this peek a boo game with a blanket. I think I made a post about it once before..right after it happened.
Anyways, I just can’t stop thinking about the fact that I could have stopped it. Just a few different choices and it’d all be different. Looking out into the gray outside makes me think of the…barrier or whatever of life and death..what’s on the other side? I mean I know what I believe but..I’m still just so damn scared of it..I know I won’t ever see them again…dying won’t reunite meÂ with anyone but maybe the pain would stop. That’s what I tell myself everyday but still I just lay here and waste away.
Pain is a weird thing…no matter if it’s physical…broken bones…or emotional..a lost family..all you wanna do is go back to before it happened and stop it…but you never can, you can never go back and avoid it, or fix it.
So all i can do is lay here and let it hurt, because, no matter how badly you want to, no matter what you would give..you can never go back..
About 2 weeks ago. I just don’t know what to do anymore…I can’t fucking stand it..every fiber of my body is screaming every second of every day. I’m only 23 but my daughter was about a year old and I met her mom way before that, years ago..money is so tight at the moment..I can’t afford any method of suicide that will be even moderately humane. I won’t mention what I’ve chosen since the mods for some reason decide this board has to be “method free”..even though people talk about it every day…anyways..jesus…I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.
Ya know, the human body, for being so fragile, is fucking hard to kill. No one wants a painful death and when it comes right down to it, there’s only a handful of ways to off yourself that could be called humane. Sure, a gun is easy enough to get a hold of, but having the balls to actually pull it trigger?Â Much harder than you’d think. Jumping from a high enough building would work,but I get vertigo on the second floor of my apartment, no way I could get on top of that high a building, let alone jump off. If I had my choice, I’d mix some KCN in a glass of water and ta da. But, oh shit, I forgot, I’m not a licensed chemist and I don’t own a jewelry store. Next? Barbiturates, some vodka and a plastic bag…but no, Getting barbiturates is basically impossible now days because they’ve fallen out of common medical usage.
So I’m down to Â to gassing method. Id prefer ******** but I’m not sure if I can get it without a license or not. If I cant my next choice is helium. But of course, both require a lot of money to get enough of. I can barley pay rent..I can’t afford a canister of gas. Why the fuck is this so hard…thousands upon thousands of people who don’t want to die, do every single day, and yet, people who actually want to, can’t.
I would assume a large amount of people here know about a.s.h, or least know what it was. If you don’t, google it. It was around from about early ’88 to the early..maybe mid 2000’s (though I don’t think it was that late..most recent thing I found was 2001.) So it’s been a really long time but, I’m curious if anyone knows if it’s around in one form or another anymore. I’m almost positive that the only thing still existing is the archives, but anyone know anything else?
Trying to imagine what it’s like to not exist. I’m serious about this, and I’m one of those people who always likes to know everything about something. I’m not worrying about screwing it up, I know what I’m doing and I’ll get the job done. Like I said, I’m serious about this, I’m not gunna start bitching and whining about why, but I do wanna hear from people who have accepted death. I’m not scared of the dying, or the pain, it’s just the whole…”not even nothing, no conciseness, no black, no.. anything, not even no anything”..thing. I realize that there will be no me to care about being dead but..I just can’t even comprehend or imagine what it’s like. I also realize that..technically, all of us were dead for over 13 billion years before we were even born..so really, all of us have experienced death…or, I guess lack of existence but, I just can’t wrap my head around it…anyone have thoughts?
You can IM me on AIM. SynysterWays00
Feel free to IM me on aim. SynysterWays00
Feel free to IM me on aim at SynysterWays00. Those are zero’s, not o’s.