Is it suicide if I eat junk food until I have a heart attack? Since I can’t actually kill myself.. I felt like this would be an easier way. Would take longer but at least I can eat yummy food.. which would eventually lead to my wanted death. It’s kind of like when you die while or after having sex.. you died, but at least you died happy.
I just want to talk. I don’t want to talk to my friends and I don’t want to worry my family. Please. I could really use some kind words.
As I sit here, the sorrow sets in. Welcome back! For a second, I thought you wouldn’t return, old friend. The sound of the waves crashing can’t compare to the sound of my heart breaking. This is the second Spring I’ve had to spend feeling the cold stab of abandonment. The summer will grant me the chance to hide my embarrassment. Until then I’ll be in this place, hoping to meet my end. If only I could tie bricks to my feet and be taken away by the ocean.
It’s Thursday. Tuesday I felt strong, happy, like I was making some progress. Wednesday I felt like I was unloved. Today, I feel utterly hopeless. I don’t know why I can’t just be okay. I feel like I have been through enough. Why can’t my pain just end? I don’t understand why one day is so great and the next is hell. I wish some one could just come and make everything better.
To quote some lyrics, “I want to come out of the dark but breaking away is so hard. Just show me the way. Show me which way to go. Can’t do this by myself. Don’t know how I should play the cards that I’ve been dealt. Can anybody help? Is anybody listening? Can anybody answer my prayers? Please say yes. Does anybody feel the same?Â And is there anybody who cares? Life’s unfair!”
I want so hard to be better for my friends, for my family, for myself. But every time I make some kind of progress, something happens that makes all of that progress go away and I just feel drained. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m screaming for help but no one can hear me. Which brings up the questions: Is anybody listening?
I can’t face these people of the day
They don’t like me, but that’s okay.
I’ll go to my sanctuary where nothing is as hard as it may seem.
I’ll go to sleep and get lost in a dream.
I’m in a castle. It’s decorated in gold.
I am surrounded by friends, both young and old.
I go to the garden, where the beauty is endless.
The sights are lovely, the feeling is priceless.
I am at peace as my heart erupts
I feel at home, that is, until I wake up.
Glass is fragile
Never let it drop
You will try to pick up the pieces
And you will never stop
Even when you’re cut
And the blood starts to pour
You will continuously try to fix
What can’t be fixed anymore
You can try to put the pieces together
But you will still see the cracks
The glass is gone.
You will never get it back
I’m afraid to speak my own name
For it has been tarnished.
Life is a stern mistress
And I will forever be punished.
Time can never mend
These broken bones and burnt flesh.
The past is haunting.
It grants me no rest.
My character now is poor
Harsh and uninviting.
Anger consumed my body.
Now, my heart is dying.
The rain casts a heavy weight
On this, my weakened umbrella.
But still, I hope
To reunite with the old Daniella.
As I pace back and forth in my cage,
I wondered what I did to deserve such a fate.
A fate that gives me no hope, no pleasure, no freedom.
Freedom to breathe, freedom to live, freedom to be whole.
These bars are cold and binding.
“You have no place to run,
“No place to run,
No place to hide,
No place to go.
You will never be free.”
I’m new here so I guess I’ll start with some history. I have three half-blood brothers, and one full-blood brother. I have one half-blood sister and a woman I consider to be my sister, but really isn’t. My parents passed away. My mother when I was two. My dad when I was eight. I was molested when I was nine. I lived with a very sadistic and controlling woman for about four years. I then moved in with my brother, when I was twelve. He taught me how to live, how to love, and how to be a good person. I’m now in college. I’m a sophomore. I have maybe two friends. I have a boyfriend, but we have a seriously unstable relationship. And I hate every second of my life.
I know what you’re thinking. “She kind of has her life together. In college, boyfriend, a few friends.” But it isn’t like that. I feel like I’m a prisoner in my own life. Sometimes I want to tell my friends how petty and irritating I think they are. I fight so much with my boyfriend that I’m just becoming numb towards our relationship. I hate college life and I barely do anything. My brother has been laid off, I think, four times last year and I had to get two jobs so I could barely survive. My “sister” is going to move away soon and, like my brother, she is a huge part of my life. My brother is so poor he can’t even afford to drive down to the school to visit me. Last year, I failed a bunch of courses, barely went to class, and barely left my room. I slept all day and stood up all night. I rarely got dressed or did my hair. I never talked to anyone. And I lost the will to try.
Now to get to the reason why I’m here. I have been hurting myself since senior year, when the stress of getting into college started taking its toll. I don’t do it often but when it does happen I feel like my skin is on fire and I just want the pain and anger to stop. I went to the hospital last year for taking too many diet pills because I felt fat and ugly. And well — I guess that’s my story up to this very moment. Right now, I’m listening to Three Days Grace – No more. It’s kind of my anthem, lately. The chorus goes like this: “No more! I just can’t live no more! I can’t take, can’t take it. No more! What do we stand for when we all live in fear?” I’m sure the actual meaning of this song isn’t suicide, but that’s just where my mind goes. I’ve been sitting up all night thinking about how I never get invited anywhere and how I’m losing all my friends. You see, I tried to join a sorority last year with my friend and when I decided to quit, she stopped talking to me. Some friend, huh? It wasn’t until she abandoned me did I realize how small my group of friends is. I have two friends and a few acquaintances. My boyfriend and I fight every week and I feel like I’m only with him because he is the only person who will deal with me and I don’t want to be alone. And he probably just wants me for sex. The weird part is: I really thought this semester would be different. I thought if I was positive, I would make friends, get good grades, and feel good. When I was a kid, I got the best grades, had a lot more friends, and was definitely more chipper. Now, I just can’t find the point of living. I feel like my purpose was to be my mother’s last wish, since she never had a girl. (The half-sister I have, and barely speak to, is from my father’s side of the family.) And now that I’ve served that purpose, what’s my point for living? I would commit suicide except I don’t want to cause problems for my brother and sister. So here I am. I feel like I have no answers and nobody. Nobody who understands me, nobody who wants me, nobody who cares for me. People’s lives would go unchanged if I just faded away into nothingness, and I just want to be free.