I dont usually double post, heck, i barely post on here or it comes in spirts. But ive just had a shitty ass day. Like i thought it was going to be okay but it isnt. I have one friend somewhere dying of cancer and i wont even know when he dies because we are just internet friends and i dont have contact with him outside snapchat. Im slowly losing the person who used to be my best friend and today is their birthday and they wouldnt even respond to me telling them happy birthday. My one stupid and toxic constant that is just there and is familiar wont fucking respond to me even though i know theyre shit to be in my life i just sometimes need him to be familiar. The one friend who has been in and out a bit and is being really good right now introduced me to these new online friend group and its been fun, it made my shitty day today so much better until this one guy saw what i looked like and turned into a huge fucking creep and sent me dick picts which i originally thought were part of a joke and then he sent me a couple messages after everyone was offline and now im scared to go back into that group because i dont want him to creep on me again. Another friend betrayed my trust in a stupid way to which my supposed best friend was like “thats not really trust betrayal” but when i send you pictures in fucking confidence and you ask for more while you are out in public with other people and still fucking view them that betrays my trust. I dont care if you are like “oh but no one else saw them” i dont onow that for sure, i thought you were home alone, i dont want anyone to even accidentally see those if they were not intended to. Last week when it was the night before j had to move back with my parents i had a breakdown, and it was more of a physical one than a mental one bevause i just started crying but my brain didnt have its normal numbing sad feeling like it does now and i tried to express my concerns to my old best friend and he just fucking blew me off, my current best friend just said something rude bevause i was sad about my dying friend and that hasnt made me want to tell her anything about my feeling since and she never apologized. And that same night during my breakdown, im always very good about not breakkng down in front of other people but i went to my fwb house bevause i needed to be fucking distracted and i fucking broke down in front of him and i never realized how nice it fucking is to have someone hold you while youre crying. But right now, that friend is going out of town for a few days so i dont even have him making sure im okay and being my escape from my parents house. Im tempted to fucking just leave right now and drive somewhere far away from all my problems and start new. Just take all myshit right now throw it in my car and at least get the fuck away for a few days but the only person who i can think of would take me in for a few days is the one who betrayed part of my trust and i just cant do that right now and i dont think i can even leave my bed right now my chest is so broken and i just cant stop crying and moving home was the worst idea and ive been here a week and i cant tell if its just me siking myself out about relapsing which is why i am relapsing or if its actually the fact that this fucking house has a curse on me to constantly make me depressed. I came home from work wanting tk cut myself, stopped myself by talking to a friend and putting myself into a better mood and now im back to square one with all the shit that has happened. Sorry for double postinf and then just not being able to spell at all but im just so broken right now i dont know what to do. I dont know who the fuck i can even trust in my life right now.
Finally had one of the people who had my full trust betrayed part of that trust. Like im really fucking pissed off right now. You do not have the fucking right to be so fucking naive about me to be that much of an idiot when i trust you with certain shit. And then when i tell you what you did wrong because you didnt even know what you did wrong you dont respond you dont own up you dont fucking apologize. Im so mad. Why the fuck would you do that to me
I was perfectly fine. I was doing okay. And. Then i just. I had to move back with my parents. And ive been here, one day. And here i am. I had a breakdown before i came back. And now im having another one because. I cant be here. This place, just fucks me up. It fucks me up so badly. And so quickly. I cant do this . This place is just so bad for me. But im stuck. For at least a few months. Theres no way for me not to be here anymore. I fucking stuck here and im just. Its going to get so bad. Why why why why why why whyw y why whyw why why why why why why why why i cant do this i cant
It’s so easy to doubt yourself when you’ve been ina good place for a while. It’s so easy to have the simplest thing change something and to take it as “you’re doing a shitty job” and just fall back down. My manager switched around my shifts at work and for some reason it’s making regret literally everything I’ve ever said at work and make me think that I’m doing an incredibly shitty job at work and I don’t deserve to work there. Like I just want everything to stay the same. If I initiate change I can handle it. But the smallest change initiated by someone else that is not explained fucks me up so bad.
You were there, in my life, and it hurt with you there, but then it didn’t, and I was happy. but then you dropped out of my life. and it was okay, it was for the best. And I was fine. Perfectly fine with you not being here. But I see things and people. Things and people who look like you, remind me of you. How you felt, how you tasted, how you made me feel. And I get sad. My heart is still hurting because of you. But I never realized it hurt until now. Why were you here. Why were you in my life. It only brought me pain. Why did I ever meet you. You changed my world so much. You were my first for a lot. We barely talked, I didn’t know you, but you had a huge effect on how my life turned out to be now. And here I am. Crying over the fact that I haven’t seen you in 2 months. That I won’t see you again. It’s not likely we will run into each other. I fucked everything up. I could’ve had you right now. But I made multiple mistakes. I was such and idiot. I’m young and stupid and didn’t know what to say. So I pushed, pushed too far. And after I pushed I tried to pull you back. And it worked. For a little bit. And then you realized I couldn’t make up my mind. So you left. You left without telling me. Stopped responding, refused to acknowledge me. And god do I miss you. You weren’t mine and I was just stupid, I still am. I shouldn’t miss you. You were bad for me. Everyone told me so. But god do I miss you. I just want you back. But it won’t work. I just need to forget. I hate you and all you did. I hate you so much it hurts and only you can make me better.
In 2017 I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life that I’ll probably never forget. And I’m just sitting here like, I could ruin a persons happiness so easily right now. I helped my friend cheat on his girlfriend of 2 years at the time, now almost 3 years. And I was on Facebook and I saw a picture of them together, happy. And the first thing that came into my head when I saw that was “I could ruin this relationship. I could make that girl in the picture hate my guts and probably cause them issues that may make them break up” but I won’t do that. None of it was her fault, she doesn’t deserve the hurt that me and my ex friend could cause her if we told her. It never meant to happen, but it just did. One day this lie I’m living will break me. One day I’ll probably have the courage to tell her, but she doesn’t need that pain. Not while their happy. I’ll let them be happy.
I need a constant reminder not to do stupid stuff. Last night was the anniversary of the day I lost my virginity to this one guy. Over the past year of that and the previous 10months before that of knowing him, there was a lot of shit between us. We never ended up in a normal regular relationship even though there was a point we could have had that. Anyways every so often he gets stuck in my head and I can’t get him out and it hurts a lot. Yesterday I knew at one point that would happen, and it did. So I drove around, and when I drive around I tend to drive to places I’ve been to before like people’s houses that I knew, etc, learning new ways to take to those places. So I drove past his apartment because it was just one of the places and I saw his truck outside. So after making another loop around the complex I decided to park next to his truck because I was just having a breakdown inside over this dude again. Anyways after sitting there for about 10minutes texting a friend I decided to just write a note on a napkin and leave it in his windshield wiper with stuff I’ve thought about regarding him that I kind of wanted him to know. And I don’t regret putting this note there, but I was thinking about it a lot today and I was just like “I should be over him, I shouldn’t have left this note” so I drive back over there a little bit ago just in case there was a chance that he never drove anywhere today or didn’t get to his car to find the note. Obviously it’s been almost a full day and of course when I get there his truck is in a different spot. I get out to double check and make sure the note is gone and it is and I just feel like an idiot. Like I shouldn’t have left that note, I haven’t talked to him in over 4 months, I haven’t seen him at all in that span of time. There’s no chance to take back that note and I don’t regret anything said in the note it was just something that I shouldn’t be dragging him into because he shouldn’t have anything to do with me at this point, he was just my first for a lot of things and I’m just having trouble leaving him behind because of that and I just had a really weird dream of him last night and I’m sorry if this is long I just come here to vent things I can’t vent to other people because I just feel like this is a safe place so I’m sorry if this is off topic to stuff mainly posted here. But he’s seen the note I left and he knows it’s from me and I just wish I left him out of my internal mess, I just feel like an idiot when it comes to anything regarding him since he should be completely gone from my life at this point.
I forgot how much it hurts to talk to your mistakes. To have a normal conversation but underneath it all to realize what happened can never be spoken of. It hurts. To pretend to forget what happened. But it’s for the best. But it hurts and I just need him gone so it stops hurting.
So many problems and issues wouldn’t exist today if I had just gone through with it two years ago and that one person didn’t show me they fucking cared. The world would’ve been much better off.
There is one person who probably hurt me the most in the last year and he is the person I miss the most. I cut him out of my life then he got back in it and when I was smart enough to get him back out, I regretted it insanely and I miss him so much sometimes it hurts so bad. Why did I push him back out? Why didn’t I just keep him here for a little bit longer?
I hate you so much for what we did. I hate her for being out of town. I hate myself for not stopping it when my brain was screaming at me that this was a mistake. We were just suppose to be friends. We were just suppose to be there for each other when shit got hard. We were okay before it happened. We could hold hands without their being anymore meaning to it than support. But we can’t go back. We can’t change what happened. I have to lie to everyone about where I was when spent the night at your apartment. You have to lie to her so our mistake doesn’t hurt her. I hate that we were fine before it happened. That you could hug me without other thoughts. I couldn’t sleep that night next to you. You didn’t touch me after it. I needed to know that it was going to be okay. I needed to know that you didn’t just use me. That I wasn’t just something to be used. My skin lit up when you first touched me that way. I even told you before it happened that I didn’t want to screw up you and her. But I didn’t even think how it could affect us. How it could affect me. I was only worried about you. I was only worried about you but now I’m fucked up. I’m fucked up and it’s all your fault. Because you’re not mine and I can’t get you out of my head. You belong to her heart and hers to yours. I was just there when we were both broken that one day. We were there for each other and we made a mistake. We both know it was a mistake. But you told me you didn’t regret it. I was your first mistake in 2 years and you don’t regret it. I don’t regret it either. But I both wish we did regret it. If we both regretted it maybe I wouldn’t be so lost about you. I need to forget that night. But it’s hard. It’s so hard. It’s been a month but I still remember every detail of that night. Every wrong turn we made that led it where it went. I can’t forget that mistake. I don’t think I ever will.
I’m 19, almost 20, and I’ve never been in a relationship. Like a steady romantic relationship. It’s something I’ve always wanted to at least try to be in. I just want someone who I can text whenever and be able to be held in their arms. It’s stupid I know but I feel so unloved most of the time. I just want one person to be able to show me they love me. And I don’t see this happening in the near future which tends to hurt me. I always keep thinking “at least I have my fuckbuddy” but I don’t want to keep thinking that. I think that only because it keeps me going that “oh hey at least I have this one guy who thinks I’m attractive enough to sleep with me” but I don’t want that. I want a real relationship and there’s just mornings like this when the night before that guy doesn’t answer his phone and it’s just like “what did I do wrong?” But I didn’t do anything wrong they just don’t feel like having sex with me that night or they’re too busy. And then there’s this other guy I like, who we flirt constantly at work but when I even try to bring up hanging out outside of work he either rejects it or doesn’t give me an answer. And i just can’t handle this anymore. I can’t handle myself telling me “at least I have this” I don’t want to “at least” have something. I want to have something. I want to have something real. Not an “at least.” And now I’m sitting here at work almost crying because I just can’t handle this bullshit in my life anymore.
Valentine’s Day just hit me really hard for some reason. I was doing so well recently. I liked my life. But then Valentine’s hits and I’m like “fuck it I’ll just be my own valentine” and I was just going to do good stuff for myself. And that lasted for about half the day. Then I decided “hey why don’t I try to go to dinner with a friend because todays when you hang out with people you care about” and I have like 3 friends. All of which already had plans, which was to be expected because it’s Valentine’s Day. Anyways so my sister was like “hey I’ll go to dinner with you” and we were going to go to the restaurant we used to work at and talk and hang out with people. Anyways she had to cancel on me because she ended up working too late. We made up that dinner tonight but it was shit because we also went with her husband and we just didn’t have conversation. And then I stopped by my current job to get my paycheck and all my coworkers wanted to pay attention to was my cute little nephew. And idk I feel like people don’t care about me sometimes that I’m just an obligation because I don’t have the friendships and I work way to much. And I just want someone I can wake up to in the morning and do stuff with. But the closest I have is a fuckbuddy. I can’t even call him my friends with benefits because we aren’t friends. We don’t talk outside of texting each other to hook up once every few weeks. I’ve known this guy for over a year and we got along great when we used to work together but now when we see each other it’s just small talk and sex. I’m working 60hrs a week right now and there is no one in my life who cares about what I’m doing right now. No one who asks me when I’m working so we can make plans outside that. I wake up I go to work and I come home and I don’t do anything else. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want it. I just want one person. One person to talk to me first about making plans instead of me making the plans. Just one person. The only person who texts me to do stuff is my fuckbuddy and the only reason he does that is because he’s horny. This week just fucking sucks and I just need a day to sleep and drive around and explore the world on my own and start my own life. Because I don’t have a life. I don’t. All I do is work and no one cares. No one fucking cares.
what the fuck happened to my life? i had all these dreams and ambitions of what i wanted to do in my life. and its just the small things im missing. the stupid first date with a guy. the having a best friend and just going out and doing things on a whim. like going at 1am to stare at the stars. you know just the silly stupid shit youre suppose to do when your young. all i do with my life is work and watch tv and play fucking world of warcraft. all my friends are gone and in college. they rarely text me. the one person i hang out with a lot now i dont know if i even like her. shes just not the person who gets me. the only person i know who fucking understands me and the only person im considering to be my best friend at this point is this guy i met on fucking world of warcraft who lives in fucking canada 2,000miles away from me. i want the fucking storybook life. i want my life to be happy and joyful and filled with tiny successes. i hate this so much right now. i had a dream last night. a good one. where i went to canada and got to see my best friend and hang out and we had so much fun in that dream. so much fun. i want that fun. the most i can do right now is send him a christmas card and talk to him through facebook. and right now im just watching gilmore girls. the new miniseries of it. and im just watching how when the show originally ended they were just so happy and setting off on adventures. but now its showing that life isnt perfect for them. how life doesnt work out the way you want it to. but you can do small things to make it better. but im not in the position to do those things. i dont have the friends to help me make my life better. and i just need someone near me to help me through this. but i dont have that. i dont have anyone close to me. that person lives in fucking canada.
So at the beginning of this year, I set myself an ultimatum. I told myself that if I couldn’t make my life better and make myself want to live I would kill myself. We are almost 11months into this year. And that ultimatum made me improve my life. I actually set goals I wanted to achieve, albeit some of them were a bit silly(like losing my virginity) but I’ve actually made plans going into next year that will make me continue with my life. My stupid ultimatum made me think twice about how I wanted to live and I’ve actually have started to grow to like my life.
This week is just endless. Everything that happens is too much. My sister had he baby on Sunday. And that should be exciting. But everytime I go visit and see the baby I want to cry. I want to cry because the world is so shitty and so many things can happen to ruin everything for this kid and my sister. And sometimes I want the bad things to happen. I want a reason for the dullness in my head. I want the dullness to turn to agony to be able to feel something. My dad started arguing with my mom when the baby was born because my dad feels like he’s losing his daughter because now she has her own little family with her boyfriend. And he thinks she’s not going to rely on him anymore. And everything is slowly crumbling around this perfect little image and I can feel it falling apart. I know it’s happening but I know it shouldn’t and I’m just so scared of all the things that might happen.
I don’t even know where to begin. Im sorry this is long. You don’t have to read it. I just need somewhere to vent right now.
It’s almost 1am and I have to wake up at 6:30am to go to work at 8am. And I can’t stop crying. I was fine today. I’ve been fine for quite a while now. Life has been going pretty good. But it’s been going downhill for a few months now and I know it. I used to have two really good friends. We would talk a lot over a group text message because one of them went to another state for school. And then this summer came and the one who lived in another state got a summer job at a camp and she wasn’t able to have phone service a lot, so we kinda fell out of touch. I kept up with my other friend a lot. And then my other friend moved to Pennsylvania for school, which is on the complete opposite coast of me. And I tried to keep up with her a bit, but she stopped responding. So I stopped trying to keep up with her. My other friend came back from her summer job and came home for a month. Then she had to leave on her mission. Which means she can only communicate through email. And before she left, I tried to set up something and do something with her but she would just come up with excuses and now she’s gone with basically very little way I can communicate with her. But also when me and my two friends were all together I was kinda the third wheel most of the time. My other friends were better friends with each other than me. Which kinda hurt a lot. And now I have no friends. The closest person I have to a friend right now is some guy I met on world of Warcraft who lives in fucking Canada. He also has depression and stuff so it’s easy to talk to him because he understands. And today he was having a hard time and me just relations to how he was feeling put me in a kinda depressed mood. And around ten pm I was like I’m tired I need to sleep I have work in the morning. And I watch youtube videos to help me sleep sometimes. And in the middle of one of those videos my sister texts me. My sister is 8months pregnant right now and is unmarried but has a boyfriend she lives with who is the father and they’ve been having some issues. Financial and relationship wise. And for some background, my sister originally didn’t want the kid, has never wanted kids. Her boyfriend convinced her to keep the kid. She was ready to abort the child very early on in the pregnancy, especially when she first found out. And having a child with that choice being almost made in the beginning isn’t a good way to keep your relationship going. And my sister doesn’t have that many friends around either right now, so I’m the person she goes to when she wants to talk about something. But she keeps texting me about her relationship issues, and I don’t want to be a part of it. I’m already starting to love my future nephew and I know she shouldn’t be having this child. She never wanted him and cannot handle raising a kid on her own. And she keeps putting her problems on me and I can’t do it. I don’t know how to respond because I can’t tell her what I want to tell her because it would make everything worse. And just with everything happening in my life right now I am trying to stay positive and not depressed but I’m starting to slip again. And it is not an easy climb out of that hole and I don’t want to go down again. I just want everyone to leave me alone. And I want a friend. I want someone to be here for me and help me out but that’s not happening. And I know I’m gonna fall back down that hole soon. And I can’t stop crying right now.
Since like 5th grade I’ve wanted to be a teacher. That’s the reasoning I use when people ask me why. But the real reason is because I probably wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t because of one of my high school teachers. He saved my life by showing that someone actually gave a shit about me. He’s like a second dad to me and I want to be a teacher because of the effect he had on me. He kept me alive. I want to make sure students who were like me decide to live.
I wish I could just skip ahead 5 years. Just see how my life is going then. I don’t think I’ll go through with killing myself on December 31st. There’s too many things going on in my life to dump all my shit on others like that by dying. Actually I think I might join the Air Force in January. I’ve wannted to join the military for a long time and so many people in my life keep telling me not to, so I haven’t. They keep acting like they know me. They keep telling me “oh you won’t like these people dictating your life for four years” and I’m just sitting here like “literally you guys are telling me how to live my life right now” and j just need to get out of here so badly. I thought I was finally go on a date with this one guy I work with and it turns out all he wants to do is fuck me and not have a relationship. And I’m scared to go on a date with someone. I’m 19 and I have never been anywhere close to having a romantic relationship with a guy. Which honestly makes me feel like I can’t be in a relationship and it terrifies me. I just want to skip 5years and see how kno life goes with the decisions I make this year.
This is why I’ve never sought out a romantic relationship. Everytime something happens I blow it out of proportion in my head. I cut myself today because I just keep fucking myself over. I feel like my crush hates me. I hate this.