i had a great opportunity to make world a better place some time ago.
pa47385
most of the time, i just feel like i’m trapped in some sort of abyss, a limbo, where nothing seems to happen and the emptiness is oppressive. but then, when things happen, they happen all at once and it’s just so much it’s overwhelming.
i need more balance. this is one of those much harder problems it seems. my brain does just one weird insignificant thing and then it confuses me so much that once i actually figure out how to deconstruct it, everything makes sense all over again and i have too much motivation and too many ideas for how to move forward.
stupid brain.
when i was a kid, before smartphones were a thing, and when internet was mostly for reading, pictures, and music, and when youtube was very small and i somehow didn’t care about it at all, i could fill my time just reading harry potter. i don’t know how it was possible, but i could just focus and read a book. but i have never read a book in a single day, and didn’t even know back then it was a thing.
these days, i can’t focus much at all. sometimes i can keep reading for hours but then i get bored or distracted. i read one […]
if i could just casually say that i am going to kill myself and nobody would take it seriously. and nobody would worry about me. and nobody would later seriously claim that they want to kill themselves too. and if i could half sarcastically sit with people on the ledge, just hoping that there was a way out of all the stupid situations that this world puts us into.
i think i may be living in a different world than you. but i just never seemed to have an opportunity to do these things.
there are several reasons why it doesn’t seem worth much for me to keep going.
once i get out of this, once i regain control over my mind and my life, i don’t really get any tangible reward. it will be just simply the end of the struggle, that’s all there will be to it. and once the struggle is over, i will be still in the same messed up world feeling even more out of place than ever before.
i somehow ended up thinking about how life is just this massive trap where accomplishing things actually feels like failure because it too […]
the lower i fall the more constructive i get.
today i had a very weird day. i slept quite well and woke up confused with a blank mind. eventually, after few hours, i started to wonder what happened, what would normally end up in my mind if it didn’t go blank.
i recalled, that yesterday, before falling asleep, after about an hour of thinking, i concluded, that i could still kill myself, solely in an act of rebellion against fate and myself.
so then, when i […]
on Wed, 14 Jul 2021 14:14:42 GMT, something happened to this site, and it introduced a number of glitches, the worst of ones is that the box to enter the title disappeared from the main post editing form. it may be some incompatibility with favpress, but i have never played with wordpress so i don’t exactly know what’s going on.
lethal death.
deadly death.
death death death
death death death death.
i hope you hate my poem.
this is my peak form.
the people that die are always the wrong ones.
the abusers, the exploitative ones are the ones that stay alive.
now that all the people which i cared about are dead,
all i will have to do is avoid all human contact,
to not allow people to ever get close to me, get to know me,
ever again.
few weeks ago i read a few books, i liked reading, but didn’t have anything good to read.
a few weeks before that, i was doing calming exercises, that made me feel blissful.
about two weeks ago, i watched a few movies, they gave me something to focus on other than my dumb thoughts, and there were some things that i liked about some of the movies. even though i have watched most of them before, i think i paid attention to different things in them, interpreted them differently, and liked different things about them, than i did the previous time i watched them.
about […]
that’s what i’m thinking. almost every day. that i won’t make it. the closest to the opposite of that that i sometimes repeat to myself is “i can do it”. those aren’t mutually exclusive.
being happy isn’t hard for me. neither is being calm. but i find it impossible to enjoy anything.
i just keep trying to distance myself from the world, from all the nonsense, but i am just left feeling numb.
i’ve been wondering what could be wrong with me. after i learned to be happy, i noticed that i still lacked confidence. but this – i have no clue what this is. i don’t know […]
i shouldn’t be feeling like this. i don’t have any real reason to be feeling like this. or do i?
maybe i’m losing track of myself? i am forgetting to breathe too often.
maybe i’m just hungry.
after sleeping i will be feeling better. but what if few hours later i will screw up myself like this again.
hm i feel better already after writing this. how does this even work.
write dumb words. head empty and chill.
why would this site help me calm myself like this. it has never before worked like this. this site normally just makes me stressed. but for some reason just writing things now can […]
I HATE THIS SITE
i keep coming here because i’m hoping to see people post something like: “i was just kidding, i didn’t kill myself, i am going to make my life beautiful and reach for my dreams and become the best version of myself i could, i am not going to give up this easily”
but NO. no. not here. you people will never do this. this site is so full of negativity that i can’t take it. every time i come here i only get stressed and worry about everyone. i keep wanting to post a comment under every single post i see even though […]
i am supposed to turn this chaos in my mind into order.
but i just feel lost most of the time.
the last few days, as i was falling asleep, there was this one thought running through my mind: “people need bullshit to stay alive – they have to be brainwashed into staying alive – couldn’t i brainwash myself too? what would be the best way to do that?”
i have been looking for a good reason to keep going. i didn’t see a point in anything during the last few months.
when i was a kid, i wasn’t surrounded by people who would appreciate my presence, and signal to me that it’s okay to just be me and do my thing.
i would keep asking my parents: why […]
this is how nightmares are made.
i had once blood collected using this system. by the time nurse was about to plug in the third vial, i realized that this isn’t medicine – they are vampires. i fainted, then and there, and had a nightmare. it supposedly lasted less than a minute, but for me, it felt like half hour of terror.
half an hour and some hundred clicks later:
Citizens, we learn, have the option of installing packages of ideological assumptions and philosophical inclinations, called “outlooks,” on top of their programming. These pre-packaged value systems have effects ranging from subtle tweaks in attitude and aesthetic sensibility to massive perceptual reconfiguration and drastic personality changes. Inoshiro reacts to the trauma ve has suffered by installing a particularly extreme and rigid outlook that makes ver placidly indifferent to everything, an outlook that cannot be uninstalled. In other words, […]
i didn’t wake up instantly, i didn’t wake up at peace or quietly.
as i was waking up, i felt confused, i kept wondering: what is this? is this a good thing or a bad thing?
and then followed them and tried to understand them and help them, wishing that they didn’t kill themselves because they are the best person you know