I really want to die but im still too scared to do it alone even though ive been trying and failing for years now
I hate myself! I hate myself! Alcohol just keeps enabling me to do the worst shit but its the only thing that takes the edge off. I know im a bad person and its so fucking laughable how im still trying to convince myself im not. I keep scaring people and losing control and lashing out. I dont even want to be alive but i have to be. I have to be for other people but im just so tired and weak. I wish everyone would just stop clinging on to me so hard and let me go. I dont want to be here anymore and its been that way for a long long time.
Why do i keep doing these things. Please just let me go already so i can die
My life this year has just been a nonstop full speed acceleration and i can’t stop needing more and more to forget.
The foolish recklessness and how dangerously close I’ve gotten into situations keeps increasing, i hope it kills me.
I want it to kill me.
I’ve drank up all my money weekend after weekend to the point of blacking out and constantly need to keep being at bars, parties, peoples beds or on a high anything i just need anything. I hate the people I know, I hate the dumb shit they say I hate how I don’t have friends but only acquaintances who want to waste my time I don’t even want to know these people get out of my life forever how fucking dare they think they even know anything about me
I keep needing to meet people, talk to people and hold up pretense that i care so i have no time to think
over working two jobs, mid week benders, reckless driving, being out all night every night, sometimes i dont even make it home or hook ups and the people I don’t give a shit about
ive gotten back into alcohol and drugs to make it through the week. I’m so busy its tearing me apart but thats how i want it to be, i want to keep going even faster till i slip up for the last time
ive started tying up loose ends before i take the plunge and pull another stupid move, not that any of them give a shit anyway. I’m glad they can at least come to hate me it makes things easier for them and me
Of all the times I’ve tried and failed I finally realized how i much i wish i had someone to do it with me
hopefully one day I’ll find someone in my area that feels the same. dying with someone else is more ideal, if anything maybe just to selfishly comfort myself when it happens. I told myself last winter I would try again if i still felt the same way, it’s begun to get colder now.
I couldn’t sleep again.
I couldn’t change anything, I can’t be changed, I want to but I don’t, I won’t, I keep changing but at the same time nothing has.
I can’t. Can’t what?
There are so many thoughts but nothing at all coming to mind, it becomes so hazy and bogged down.
I can’t do this. I’ve lost my way in life again, I say that but to begin with I never had a direction at all. My head hurts.
Why does my body have to ache like this, my head is dizzy and burning hot but my body is cold to the touch and sweaty. Maybe I have a fever, I guess I’m sick.
How did this happen. A life full of I can’ts yet I do anyway. Contradictions circling in my head day in and day out, the ache behind my eye lids and the sore feeling behind my nose, mouth and throat keep distracting me.
It’s all so fuzzy. I have to go to work. I haven’t in the last few days. Not even called or emailed.
A career that sucks, looking for a new job, dealing with the old. Is it clarity of mind to say sorry for not showing up or cowardice for not pulling through with quitting. Maybe a little of both.
The stress dreams have been piling up, not just about the same old things anymore but about work too, life that keeps passing by. My apartment is so cold, I guess it’s getting to be that time now. Summer came and went in the blink of an eye, I don’t even know what happened in the spring.
My cough is getting worse, i still can’t sleep.
A life full of worries yet everyone thinks I’m doing great. That I have my life together. It’s disgusting but also my fault. I’ve never shown anyone the sorry state im constantly in, have I ever been honest for once in my life? Now that I think about it. If they saw me like this would they say its not like me. Who do they think they are, to think they know me. No one does. If I could afford to live on my own I would.
Isn’t that the dream.
It’s not in character for me. Maybe it’s the sniffling and body aches. Wishing for someone to be there. God how embarrassing. I’ll think otherwise when I get better. I push so many people away and keep them at a distance anyway. I don’t think can be allowed to have, Those kinds of feelings, thoughts like that after all i’ve done is cut people out and treat my relationships as expendables.
Have you ever been in love?
I grieve my relationship far longer than it lasted. Even before it and now after. I think it was the first time I ever knew what real love was, however brief it was.
“The melody that used to make us so happy, It’s still so glorious” such a silly thing that’s brought me to tears so many times, All I can do is carry everything with me in songs and repeat day in and day out. How many years has it been since the end? Because I’m still in love with you, it’s so hard to hate you.
It’s hard to love people or myself. It’s hard to let go. Maybe the lack of closure is what is killing me. You said you would be right back, that you would be gone for a long time. Maybe that’s what stopped me, like a curse. That place in that time, I haven’t been able to move on since then, my heart has died. If I filled my lungs with coal and black smoke would I be able to go back to that time? My heart and feelings are so cold and dull, would I be able to burn red and warm again. I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way about someone ever again because I keep waiting to say welcome back to you.
I’ve tried to love other people again but It’s no use. I still haven’t recovered yet. It’s so painful and pathetic to keep loving someone that, maybe out of desperation or the smallest part of my heart, I keep searching for you in people. I threw this body away but wouldn’t it be nice to just once have someone. To think of someone as special again?
It’s so terrifying. The possibility of having those feelings again is too much for me to handle. I’ve already disappointed you too much, I’m sorry. But just once wouldn’t it be nice for someone to place their hand on my forehead and tell me to rest?
I’m so sweaty now and I’m getting chills and shakes. This fever has lasted for a few days now and my spinning head hasn’t slowed down. I’m alone though, as usual.
I used to think people were fools to die for something as stupid as love but I get it now. I hate that I get it now. I’ll keep this with me forever, stubbornly never letting these feelings die because you’re already in me.
My headache has gotten worse, It’s hard to concentrate.
Just another year of wanting to die. I don’t know a time where I didn’t think about it.
It probably started somewhere around the number 4 or maybe 5?
Time passes and time passes.
And time passes.
But I’m still here.
I still can’t sleep.
my boss found out i was cutting on shift. i work in a basement so no one would be there except me but i had only started up again recently. the last time i cut was in highschool and tho it has been many years since then the feeling of pain and euphoria is still so crystal clear, like a loud shattering in the silence. I didn’t mean to start this up again but Ive been a non alcoholic and sober for 3 years after a long, long strain of addiction. I guess cutting was the only thing I could think of.
The body is stubborn. No matter how deep you cut it, it will repair itself over and over again. It’s better then an alcohol addiction, lemme tell you that.
All the sharp objects and utensils were removed after my boss caught me in the act the following day.
Not that it mattered, anything can be used to cut if you have enough commitment to use it. Like pliers, a paper clip, or your own nails.
But no one else will ever appreciate these little things about you, of course common sense would say as much.
I don’t know how many pebbled scabs I’ve peeled away at this point, scars ive traced and ate from. It’s hard. After becoming an adult these things became so hard to do. Where can I do it and how can I do it effectively? Those things come to mind now.
Old scars are white, recent ones still hold a darkish red.
How many times have I seen my own coworkers bearing the same marks in earnest.
When your body becomes trained to do these things from adolescence to now it becomes very hard to give up.
For now I’ll keep stock of my little magic and marvel in the way my blood boils from a seam, reminding me that I’m alive.
Tomorrow is a new day and the new pain reacting on my skin the morning after reminds me of it.
Does it even matter anymore? honestly it never did.
I tried so hard and so hard to die but each attempt failed leaving me here. So many years wasted.
How much more shame can i build up.
I thought maybe appreciating the small things in life would lead me to a happier life. after every failed jump and drowning and overdose. After bleeding out and forced into therapy for years and years at a time. I still feel so empty inside. Nothing has helped. I just want to die but even that has proven to be useless.
So I thought dying in a different way would be more effective.
More and more I threw parts of myself away uselessly to pass the time.
I’ve gone blind, it feels, and anything is fine now.
Chatting my evenings away, filling up my time to the point i cant feel or think for myself, i decided to kill myself in a different way, as weird as that might sound. I’ll talk and chat and move about until i cant even think anymore until the voices of other people drown out my thoughts. its been working even if all i do is play pretend. Why do I even try, going to so many events, gaining more phone numbers and people in my life, talking and changing myself to charm others with my looks and words. they leave and enter so seamlessly, I don’t care. They never mattered anyway. Is this what others really wanted in life?
I don’t feel bad for using them to fill my time but at the same time i do. I hate this. Its so unfulfilling, just go away. go away forever and die.
Even if I gained popularity so many years after highschool its so unfulfilling. I’ve cut so many people out of my life and left people behind because they weren’t enough, because I wasn’t enough for them. I guess I deserve to feel so empty now. piled up on my other traumas and things i can never talk about i cut people out and gain new relationships like tossing tissue paper and blowing my nose. I just want to die, why didn’t he kill me when he had the chance?
I’m sorry. Im so fuckin sorry. I’ve said so many things and done so many things but you never mattered to me anyway, I don’t know if i can keep this up. How many people have I hurt? How many times have I hurt them to hurt myself? Told them I could try to love them when i couldnt even handle loving myself. I hope they’ve found better people, better lovers and romances. Disgusting, narcissistic. I don’t know. are my thoughts even my own anymore.
How can people be envious of this. It’s disgusting. Calling me active, a social butterfly, extroverted and engaged. A party animal and the life of the party. It’s all a fucking lie. Fuck. No matter how close I get to people why can’t they see. Why do they never notice how close I am to crying again and again and again. I never wanted this. If i cant die then filling my life with noise is the best option but its still not enough. Recently after 3 months of extensive testing they said I suffered a number of things including hypomania. I guess thats my only relief in life even if it is a coping mechanism, every therapist I have gets too close to the truth that I get too frightened and leave. I don’t know.
I’ve built myself up to be a person who I’m not. it’s unhealthy and gross but it gets me through the day from day to day. Idk I guess Anything is fine now.