why do shitty things happen to me? i have an abusive father, i have a mom who’s always sick, i have a brother who feels the same as me and i have an uncle who’s a complete drunkard. my parents would always fight every now and then which is so fucking tiring. i would always witness their fights for years and it has become so toxic to the point that it makes me bear the situation. i’m so helplessly tired, my friends at school can’t even take me seriously. my internet friends are fucking far away. i don’t have anyone to rely on because my dad would always use me as an emotional punching bag of his frustrations and regrets after he finishes with my mom. seriously, why would you fucking raise a child when all you can do is to press all your disappointments and failed dreams to us? why can’t you see that i am also as tired as yall. you can’t even respect me as your child. i fucking hate this life, i hate this household, i hate myself. this is just so pathetic. i’m a fucking loser. i hate everything. i’m tired, i want to just die instead.
- I’m at school right now and I don’t know what to do. I badly want to go home, I’m suffocating and I can’t breathe. I don’t want to hear anyone or anything I just want to go home and maybe tie a pretty ribbon on my neck on the ceiling. Anyway, I really really hate myself. I want to die right now. The agonizing pain is just too much for me. Tons of emotions are showering me, please stop. I’m already overwhelmed as it is. Please. I badly want to cry right now, I’m shaking.
I’ve been so sad and so afraid of everything for years. The sadness and fear eats me up everytime I wake up and start a new day, and I know that this year, it gets worse.
I’m pushing and shutting out everyone in my life, when they ask me what’s wrong or what’s going on with me, I can’t find the right answers. I’m scared. Scared of what? Of myself. I’m sad. Sad about what? Sad about living and putting a great burden on my parents. I’m so sad I want to kill the sadness away, but that only applies when I’m dead.
I don’t know how to pick myself up. I don’t know how to see the light. I don’t know anything anymore, because all I know is that darkness is all I could see and embrace. I can’t get out. I want to but I can’t. My insecurities, my imperfections, my flaws, I’m afraid they would all backlash at me when I take the chance of going outside the darkness that surrounds me.
Sleeping is hard, but I try to sleep just to get out of the reality that has been my burden. I don’t know what to do with myself as I don’t have the “friends” that I could really count on. My messages are dry, no one really cares. School, too, is pressuring me. It’s like every move I make, some people talk about me. I broke down yesterday, crying the pain out, but no one noticed. It’s okay, at least I now know that I’m really never their friend. They just pity me for being alone so they tag me on their circle of friends, but really, I would be better by myself.
I’ve been a fan of so many idols and never, have I ever, encountered one who communicates to fans like his fans are his closest friends. Especially last night, he said something like “When you’re feeling depressed or anything, just come to us anytime. Stray Kids would listen. We’ll fix you.” and those tears that I never knew existed for so long just kept on gushing down on my face. The way he said “We’ll fix you.” ignited some hope in me that I could become a better person, but can I really do that? Can I really be fixed when no one else can? Can I be hopeful just for one night?
Tell me if I’m wrong, but I hope this song of theirs would be able to get you the hope I’m also feeling. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5HMOkfE3kno
They have become my pill of happiness. They write and produce their own songs at ages 22-20. They know what society really brings and they’re trying to break those toxic norms out of our life. I couldn’t get any more hopeful, especially when the leader of this group went live last night and told us that he would listen to us.
I’ll be seeing them on the 27th but I badly want to die, I can’t stand everything. The burden, the loneliness, the endless ripples in my head. I don’t know. I want to see them but I don’t feel like I deserve to see them. They saved me but I don’t know how to save me. The amount of emotional support they give to us, fans, really pushed me so hard of wanting to become a better person but my thoughts. My thoughts are overpowering the emotional support my boys are giving me. I’ll die anyways why would I change myself? Those kind of thoughts.
idk what to do anymore. it seems like life isn’t really for me. i feel like im such an incompetent being and i can’t pass my parents’ expectations. ive been one of those biggest disappointments in their life and all i could do is continue being a depressed shit towards them. i feel like i don’t deserve to have them and they deserve a better life without me and a better daughter that could make them happy and proud.