I feel so useless. I am just wasting my life away. I thought I was okay in where I am in my life, but when I look at my friends, I’m jealous of their accomplishments. I feel like I’m not doing anything, and I feel like trash all the time. I feel like I have to pretend everything is okay, but it’s really not. I know some of my friends are sad too and might feel the same way. I don’t know what to tell them or how to comfort them.
I thought I made it out, but I keep coming back. I am at a different place in my life. It is getting better I think, but it’s also getting worse. Everytime I think I can move on, I come back here again. New problems keep coming and old problems come to haunt me. I think I won’t have to feel this way again, and then I still do. Nothing actually changed.
Happy but also numb
Very, very numb
I feel detached
What is this feeling?
I never thought I’d be back.
But look who’s here, again.
I guess this time, it’s different.
And yet, it’s the same as ever.
This site and the people on here helped me a lot. They comfort me when I’m sad or scared. They show me that I’m not alone. They convinced me that this life is worth living. However, we only exchange a few comments, and we will never talk again.
This why I want to start a new site. A new one where others will always know that they can turn to a certain person or group of people when real life gets hard. I want to help others who areÂ experiencing what I gone through and is still going through now.
But, I don’t want to do this alone, and also because I can’t do this alone. Who is with me and ready to support and be supported by others?
So I’m back… Lonely as ever… Why do I always end up here even if I made new friends…? I try to move on, but I always end up here…again…alone. I’m tired… I don’t want to try anymore… There’s no point left… I tried and I’m still trying now, but it’s not working…
These are songs that explains what I been going through and how I deal with it:
1. Earlyrise-Narcissistic Cannibal
2. Avril Lavigne- Alice(Underground)
What’s your song?
They think I’m spoiled
That I’m a bad kid
But what do they know?
It’s only a mask
It’s not me
I lost masks
A really, long time ago…
I don’t know who I am
This morning, I woke up and felt something I never felt waking up…
I realized it was fear…
Fear of the future and fear of failure
So scared of what the future might bring
And failing once again
When will this end?
I always put on a fake mask, and try to act like Iâ€™m the happiest person in the world. I just put on a fake smile when I am actually dying. I am so tired to pretend, so I decided to take it off. Itâ€™s been so long that I finally decided to take it off, but I donâ€™t know the person under it. Now it seems that no one cares about the girl under the mask. I donâ€™t know who I am, and nobody does either. So I put on the mask on again. I want to die so badly, but I am scared to kill myself. Now I just wait for things to get better, but it seems it will never get better.
I always feel I’m supposed to be at another place in another time. I never belong, never fit in. Most of my “friends” hate me. My parents work all the time. I always feel so alone. Most times, I would just cry myself to sleep. I’m really scared, scared of the future. I really wish I find a place where I actually belong.