i don’t know why, but i’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping. on sunday i went to bed at 4 and woke up at 8. last night i didn’t sleep at all, but i took a nap at 10 because i had to work tonight. and today, here i am. it’s 2:45 and i’m about to go try and sleep. it’s really hard though. most people tell me to just go to bed earlier, but the thing is i just can’t seem to stay asleep for long. i constantly wake up, which makes me more tired. i even noticed how i feel more awake when i barely sleep, which is worrying. i really don’t get it. anyways, today i made a list of really short term goals, to see if it at least makes me a bit excited for the future. let’s hope it does.
i’m about to post things that have been going through my head for more than 10 years, but i’ve never shared with anyone. now, why am i saying it here? because no one can know. and here, everyone knows yet they don’t know; and i just need to get this things out, because i feel like it’ll maybe help somehow. last night i couldn’t sleep, and so i was sitting on the couch, watching the sunrise, when thoughts that haunt me decided to keep me company. this time, however, i wrote everything down. keep in mind i didn’t check what i wrote and don’t plan on doing it, because reading it might make everything worse. it’s basically me talking to someone and maybe sometimes to myself. also, it’s pretty long. i don’t expect for people to actually read it, but just putting it out there may help, who knows.
The sky is getting light now, it’s 4:18 am as i type. Weird, i don’t feel tired or sleepy at all; this is a first.
I feel like a zombie right now; just going through motions and through life without doing anything but make everything harder for everyone else. The space i take up and occupy i don’t deserve. I take it for granted when others wish they had it. I even dare say i don’t want it; I want to be the teen all the people my age i know get to be; even though they’re there and i’m here. I have such a wonderful opportunity’ one others would do anything if it meant they got to live it, too. And yet, here i am, wishing everything was different.
Speaking of things being different, it all goes back to when i was a kid. A tiny kid, who just wanted to make others happy and help them in any way i could. “If i can help them, then i will” is sort of what went through my mind. Looking back now, i think you saw that, and took advantage of it. You went, and lied, and used me, and tried to make me believe this wasn’t a bad thing. That this was just me helping you. Then why did it always happen while everyone else was asleep? Why were you always cautious of everyone? Why were the doors always locked? Why was she so angry at you when she found out? Why didn’t i understand?
I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to remember.
Even though she found out, it happened one last time a few months later. And that one time was the worst one. Because by then, i knew it wasn’t right. I knew this is not something that happens to everyone. This was something i did not want; and yet i didn’t feel like i could say no. On past occasions, you didn’t ask. So i assumed i couldn’t back down because i said i’d help. I was trying not to cry, yet i was weak and let a sound escape my mouth, but deep down inside i was hoping you’d notice i didn’t want this. I hoped you’d notice how much it hurt. How bad i felt. How i wanted to run and never come back. How foolish of me. While you did notice the sound i made, all you did was ask. Ask if it was a moan of pleasure. Ask if i liked it. Then i cried. And left. But nowhere was safe anymore. You robbed me of happiness and freedom. To this day, i flinch when you suddenly get too close. And you think it’s just me being silly. I can’t stand using bathrooms without locks because of you. You robbed me of so much, it’s painful to think about it. It’s painful to remember. I don’t want to remember. I need to not remember or i’ll go insane. Even after all these years, you’re still robbing me of everything; my self esteem, my laughs, my peace of mind, my cleanliness.
Once while playing never have i ever, someone asked if i was a virgin. And i had to take a shot. Everyone looked at me like i was gross; so i lied. I had to lie. I said i was just thirsty, and that i didn’t even hear the question. I lied. I lied like you lied to me. And i don’t regret it. And you probably don’t regret it either. I want to rest.
The sky is now a light blue with some pinks mixed in, it’s 4:40 am as i finish typing; yet i don’t feel tired.
you know those days where you wake up and decide you will definitely enjoy that day? you decide you’re going to do anything you can to feel happy and do everything you always put off. you feel determined and excited. today was supposed to be one of those days. since yesterday wasn’t the day off i would’ve liked it to be, i decided to try my best and have an acceptable day today. it didn’t particularly work, and i’m not surprised.
numbness is a very strange feeling. at first, you don’t understand it; but after a while, you forget how you felt before. what it feels to feel.
sometimes i think maybe feeling was nice, but the thing is i still feel; even if they’re negative feelings, they’re still something.
i’ve decided i’ll just keep going. lately everything is kind of like when a fly gets inside your house. after trying to get it out for a while, you just give up and ignore it, maybe leave the window open so it leaves by itself. currently, i’m the fly; and i’m waiting for someone to open the window.
– something i wrote out of the top of my head, may not make sense but eh –
even though i had a day off, i wasn’t able to actually rest. i fell asleep at around 5am, and woke up at 9am.
i’ve been getting random headaches constantly for years now, i’m not sure why; but i’ve had one since around 4pm and it’s currently 1:19am.
even though it wasn’t a good day, i went to the movies so that was nice.
today was a busy day. very tiring. though i have two days off now, so that’s good. it rarely feels like i’m actually living though, i’m just going through motions. it’s weird.
still can’t sleep, but oh well.
night shift again. it’s currently 1:30am and, to no one’s surprise, i can’t sleep. also my finger hurts quite a lot.
today i finally had some alone time before work though, which i highly appreciate. i’m rarely by myself these days. maybe that’s why i like the night time; because everyone but me sleeps.
life has been very weird recently, but i don’t know why. probably because i’m trying to be a responsible adult who always makes good choices and doesn’t do stupid stuff, as if that wasn’t my life 7 months ago. the issue being just /trying/ to grow up. i think that’s something that you can’t force, though it may be just an excuse and i’m not aware of it. either way, life is weird.
anyways, work was okay. it got a bit busy for just one person, but somehow i managed to pull through the night. i work tomorrow and then two days off, which is nice.
my posts always sound like i’m complaining, which is exactly what i always do, so i’ll finish this one with remembering that i had ice cream today and it was pretty good.
today i was expecting to get home and find everyone asleep again, but it wasn’t the case. for a second, i thought they were waiting for me, but as it turns out, they just lost track of time and were planning on going to bed at about 9pm. not surprising.
today my fingers hurt a lot, and me having to constantly wash dishes and such at work doesn’t help. I’ve always been clumsy and i use band aids very often, but I’ve never had 4 at the same time on my hands; it looks kinda funny, actually. i can’t type very well though, but meh.
still tired and sleep deprived, i remember when sleeping was the easiest thing ever; now i constantly fall asleep at around 4am, only to keep waking up, which makes me feel more restless, and finally give up on “sleeping” at 8am. at least i’m doing night shifts this week.
i just got home from working, and it’s 11pm. normally, my brother waits for his wife to get home and then go to bed, but i guess it’s only for her. they’re both asleep. i guess they don’t care, and i don’t blame them for that, nor am i mad at them. i just found it a bit sad.
in other news, this morning was very difficult for some reason; having said this, i was really struggling to not harm myself. i managed somehow, but at work i did get hurt many times, though not on purpose. at least i don’t think so.
life has been difficult lately, but i”l just have to go with it somehow.
i can’t think properly but it’s not like i want to anyways
i’m very sleep deprived at the moment but that’s fine because i just “have to try harder and go to bed earlier than i do”
in short, i’m tired
even though i can’t feel anything and my brain is a blur, i can still pretend everything’s fine, and people believe it. don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing; i guess it’s a bit of both.
about a week ago, i was told that people saw me as someone composed and mature, and that i seem to be happy even when there’s bad things going on; that it helps others feel better. and i legitimately laughed out loud when i heard that.
off topic, but being a young person who just moved to the other side of the world is hard. wow, shocker! my family forgets sometimes. finding a job in a completely different place is hard too. people seem to forget that, too. so far I’ve had 3 jobs. i had to quit two of them because i was having panic attacks when i thought about having to do what they asked me to do. people forget life is not easy for everyone. people think everyone is like them, and that everyone knows what they want in life. that all you have to do is get a job, and that’s it, because you’re now in a country with a thousand opportunities. but life isn’t for everyone. people forget this. or they just don’t want to believe it. or they think others are just too dramatic. that they’re childish. that they don’t want to do anything by themselves.
people are wrong sometimes.
once again, my brain is a blur so i just typed whatever came to mind. sorry if it doesn’t make much sense. between last night and today, too many things have been going on around the world. and even in my own little world, seeing as i can’t really remember what happened last night, apart from me suddenly realising i was about to relapse. disappointing, to say the least. anyways, now i’m just rambling. have a good night, hugs from a very boring person.x
words won’t come out.
talking and expressing anything seems like too much work, or like something too complicated that i can’t figure out.
and when i do try to reach out and open up to others, it always goes wrong. i try telling someone about the panic attack i had, and they assume i’m lying and then proceed to tell me i’m not trying hard enough, and that only makes everything harder for everyone. they tell me to try harder.
i thought i was trying my best. and i was. but it seems like, once again, my best wasn’t enough.
i tried to open up, and talk about how all i want to do these days is jump off a roof, and they just assume i’m joking, telling me all i have to do is get a job, and that others have it worse. that i have so many opportunities, and all i have to do is go out.
they don’t know i can barely get out of bed. i’m exhausted, i can’t sleep.
i tell them i’m not sleeping, falling asleep at 4 am and waking up constantly until i give up at 8 am. they say i should just try harder and not go to bed so late and i’ll feel better.
i try to tell them i don’t want to wake up again, and they say that’s my own fault for going to bed so late every day. they don’t get what i mean.
they say i should be happy, because others have it worse.
now no one talks to me.
if i should be happy, why don’t i feel anything? why won’t words come out? why am i not happy? i shouldn’t want to not wake up.
“while you wish you died, someone else just asks for another day of life”
i try to tell them, they say i’m exaggerating.
they ask me why i never talk to them or tell them when i need help.
i think maybe i should try again.
but they won’t talk to me.
so i won’t talk to them.
i tried to write what’s on my brain right now, and i’m not sure if it makes sense; i don’t really care either. i’m tired, and i wish i could sleep forever.
i’m so tired, it’s basically part of my personality now
what makes you, you? what makes me, me? nothing? are we all the same? if we aren’t, why do i and others feel the same way? why do others feel this indescribable feeling as well? no one should feel it. it’s hard to picture someone feeling this too, when you feel so alone, but it’s true. that’s just life. life.what makes life? what indicates someone is living a healthy and happy life? is there a compass? a map? a graph? what tells you who you are? others? yourself? so many questions. who can answer? no one. no one wants anything, yet everyone wants everything. be thankful, of what? if i’m not fully healthy, am i supposed to be thankful for my family and friends? what if i feel like i’m only a burden for them? am i to feel thankful for having an amazing opportunity that others would kill to have? and what if i just can’t? if i can’t feel, what do i do then? am i to be made fun of, be put down and such? what if i can’t help not feeling? what do i do then? am i to simply disappear? that would be nice. Oh, so very nice.
for as long as i can remember i’ve felt a certain way. and i thought it was me just being silly, or immature. turns out, this feeling is a thing that others feel, too. which is a weird thing to think, since i never imagined it would actually be something. there’s even a name for it: having no sense of self.
it’s a weird thing, but it does happen.
i wrote this a few weeks ago, and now it’s an interesting thing to read, at least for me, considering how it starts with
what makes you, you?
today i went to work after about a week and a few days, kept my mind occupied. guess that’s a good thing?
still don’t feel great, but i’m currently too tired to actually think or move properly.
it’s been a while since the last time i posted here, but i guess i wanna start posting regularly again, just so i don’t feel so alone.
today’s been kind of a blur. i noticed how whenever I’m feeling very very down, i just say “I’m tired”, or “I’m sleepy”.
I’ve felt very very lonely today, although i don’t think that’s quite the feeling, but it’ll do for now.
from tomorrow to sunday i work, and I’m not very up for it, but it’ll at least keep me occupied and I’ll be distracted for a while.
i think i need to chill out for a bit, this feeling may be more “overwhelmed” than “lonely”.
i don’t know what to do to stop having bad thoughts.
lately i also feel very anxious because everyone expects me to feel happy and cheerful, but i don’t. so i make it up. but I’m starting to fail at faking it.
i feel so much pressure, and ungrateful for not being as happy as i should be, and I don’t know how to cope with it yet. whatever shall i do with this mess of a head i have.
Today’s just been horrible.
I always say to myself that I don’t think I could kill myself because of how my family would feel, but today I really couldn’t care less. Not a lot to say, but today I realized something I didn’t realize before
I am definitely, 100% sure that at some point I’ll take my own life.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,
Today I woke up feeling really depressed, so much so that I was in my room from 8am until about 4pm because I just wanted to be left alone.
When I got out to use the bathroom, I saw my keyboard. Now, even though I’ve never considered myself “good” at playing, I thought why not try and learn a song. And I did. After feeling the most depressed I’ve felt in days, I was able to escape and now I’m feeling not good but not bad either.
This post is kinda pointless, but I just wanted to share that playing an instrument, even if you’re not that good, can be a good way to cope or at least a good way to distract yourself. x
I feel like it’s time. But I don’t want it to be. I made a promise to myself, you see. I promised to wait until I was 21 to find something to live for.
Even though I really want to wait, I’m just tired. Waiting is probably the best way to describe my life and I feel like I can’t take it. Also, my head hurts all the time, without apparent reason. I don’t want to feel pain anymore, but I don’t want others to suffer because of me.
I’ve always prefered to be hurt if that means that someone doesn’t. Maybe that didn’t make sense, but whatever. The problem with that is, that I’m tired of suffering. But I still don’t want others to suffer. My thoughts are exhausting and sound (probably are, too) stupid. I just want to do something right. And I know that what I want to do is not the right thing to do in terms of other people.
This probably doesn’t make much sense, but I needed to get it off my chest.
Last night I had the most triggering dream ever. I’ve been thinking all day about it and this is the most depressed I’ve felt in a while. Also, because of this, today I planned to tell my mum about it but then my brother decided to tag along. I didn’t tell her, probably never will. What a failure of a person, what a waste of space.
Today is one of those days when it’s difficult to just exist. When thinking is your worst enemy. When you just want to disappear.
Even though it hasn’t been a particularly bad day, nothing feels right. I’m such an useless pessimist.