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They Call Me Amy

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1 year and half and we are back

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

So hello long time no see.

It’s been 1 year and 6 months.

I had been doing fine, actually, I think I almost, just like almost felt happy. Can you believe it? Me neither.

But since I am a complete failure, obviously I would relapse again. I am feeling so much anxiety, the thoughts of suicide are back again, today I hit myself in the face so many times and I just couldn’t believe that I am returning to my old habits, I am losing control of my anger all over again.

I really thought I could win this battle against my mental health, but oh boy was I wrong.

I am a few days from turning 25, and feeling like I am 17 all over again. I am on medication again and going to therapy but I am just tired of this shit.

Please let me be free

 

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General

One step forward, Two steps back

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

Hi everyone, serious question. Do you guys feel like when you are finally getting back on track, something happens so you go back to the place you started?

This keep happening to me, so I would like to know if you guys go through this and what do you do to keep moving forward, because I am seriously almost giving up

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General

Let’s run away together

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

Hello everyone. I relapsed and I am ashamed of it. I ended up walking alone at night and had this urge to just run away. Do you guys also have this feeling that you don’t which place is the right one for you? So you just want to run as fast as you could until you can’t feel your legs anymore?

I really lost touch with myself this last year, which was one of the hardest ones in my life. I am looking for myself and my purpose but sometimes it seems like I’ll never find it unless I run away to this unknown place

 

 

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Suicidal Survivors

Waiting

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

Hello again everyone. Things have been pretty tough recently, I’ve been struggling to get out of bed, to eat, to talk to people. The impulses are strong. I’ve almost jumped off my window a couple months ago.

My parents are getting old and my dad is a little sick again. I feel bad for them because they have to live and put up with me and all my psychological issues. There is not a day where I wish I wasn’t born. I am turning 23 this month. I am not getting better.

I finally reached the point where there is no hope. And it’s not as dark as I thought. I am just here, breathing, accepting that I am a failure, that I will never be loved by someone, I will never be successful, I will never be a first choice and I will never be happy.

So now I am just waiting. I am waiting for the end. I am waiting for the day where I finally take all those pills I have inside my first drawer.

There is no hope, there is no happy ending for some people and honestly I don’t even bother to care anymore. I have just accepted and that really set me free somehow. I see life as something so fragile and meaningless right now. I am just waiting for the curtains to close. So I can just stop waiting and finally be free.

 

 

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General

I don’t exist

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

Hello everyone

The last 6 months of my life were the hardest. I felt more numb than never. I tried so damn hard to not hate myself. I tried to like this body that I live in but I just can’t. I hate every little inch of this skin that I live in and I just can’t pretend anymore to like this horrible body that I am trapped in. I just hate breathing. I just hate waking up and seeing that I have one more fucking day of life. I am gonna pretend that I don’t exist. This life doesn’t mean shit. I don’t exist.

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General

New Cuts, Old Me

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

Hi Everyone, I am cutting again

I was 3 months free (I know, huge deal), but I lost control this month. After opening my heart for someone after 6 years of fear and loneliness, the same thing happened, they rejected me.

I am the problem. I get it now.

I am mixing some meds and cutting my thighs, breasts and some random parts of my body that I’ve never cut before. My cuts keep me company, they remind me I am still alive, and they also fill the emptiness inside of me.

It’s the end of summer here, so it’s hot, which sucks, but fall is coming and I’ll be able to wear my pants and long sleeves again. Looking forward to that.

 

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General

Relapse. Again. Lol

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

Hello everyone, long time no see

Yeah, I am still here. I’ve been doing a psychiatric treatment for approximately 6 months. Still feeling empty, still depressed, sick of people, and my birthday is this week, which reminds me how much I hate still being alive.

Today was the first time I self harmed since March. I was making good progress, but life sucks and so do I. My scars are my friends so they are keeping me company.

I just feel like shit. I am invisible. Everyone would be better off without me. I just wish I could end everything.

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General

The stolen pencil case

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

 

So today was the day that I was looking forward to. I was going to bake some cookies, have a nice Bbq ribs for dinner, do 3 diys that I wanted to do for the longest time, and some other stuff.

I had an horrible month, and I was expecting this day to be perfect, because I studied so hard these last weeks for some exams, and since they ended this morning, I deserved a little reward, right?

Everyday something bad happens to me. I am not even kidding. But I thought today was gonna be the greatest day I could have. And I woke up with a feeling that this was going to work. It had to, because I am tired of trying.

But this afternoon someone stole my pencil case at uni. And that seems so stupid, so childish, and so irrelevant. But that hit me so hard.

Everyday is a struggle, I do my best and everything falls apart, but today was going to be my special happy day, and it got ruined over a stupid pencil case.

I really take care of my stuff, it was a special pencil case because there was a little gold medal that I bought from Italy inside of it.

I have BPD, and the fact that it went missing just triggered me so hard. I spent my entire day at bed, I didn’t do anything besides cutting, I cried so hard, because I wanted this day to be perfect, and it ended up being just as bad as the others.

It seems like I don’t deserve a happy good day, you know?

 

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General

do you have faith?

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

So, do you have faith? I wanna know. Like, do you believe in God or something?

I’ve just cut my leg after being almost 1 year free of SH. I’ve been trying to hold on this past month, because it was hard, but today I’ve just broke down.

I used to be a person who had faith in God, like c’mon, I am almost 21 and I haven’t had sex yet because of church. I did everything that a nice person and a religious one would do, but everything in my life doesn’t go the way it should. Everyday I get more frustrated, sad and suicidal. It has been like that for 5 freakin’ years.

Today my doctor told me that I have an anatomical deformation in my ear, and because of that I am not able to listen to the sounds of my stethoscope. And I am 100% sure that I won’t be able to finish med school because of that. I am on my third year of med school, in my country you have to study 6 years, so I am in the middle of it. Let’s be realistic, who would go to a doctor that can’t listen to a heartbeat? And did I mention I wanted to be a cardiologist? Yeah.
I have a million health and mental problems, but I held on to my dream so I could beat those demons of my past (and present). And now that I am unable to accomplish my dream, everything seems useless.

I guess suicide is the answer. It has always been.

 

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I Will Survive

What Are Your Reasons To Stay Alive?

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

Today I had a breakdown again, and I decided to do a list of things that I really enjoy and I’ll miss if I kill myself, because I will be… uhm… dead. So these are 16 things that can help me get through this day, and maybe tomorrow, and next week.

There is nothing very special here, but these are the things that bring some joy to my life, and they are my reasons to stay alive and not kill myself. I will read them every morning so they can help me battle my urges. Tell me about yours too! 🙂

1. My Parents
2. My Boyfriend
3. The Sound of the Rain
4. French Fries
5. Hot Chocolate
6. Salad
7. Strawberries
8. The Ocean
9. Color Pencils
10. Going to Greece someday
11. Having a Family
12. Sunrise
13. Writing
14. Harry Potter
15. Orange Juice
16. H3h3Productions

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General

To cut or not to cut

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

Every 6 months I have a breakdown. Too much stress to handle. I have been six months free, but now something   triggered me to cut.

I have a strong feeling my dad is cheating on my mom, and she feels the same way, even tho she doesnt tell me

My dad can’t even take his eyes off other women to talk to me. He is the reason why I am scared of weddings, and the reason why I can’t trust any guy I know.

I am feeling like the stress has been piling up for many months and the fact that my dad is an asshole just made things worse. I need to relax, but my brain is so fucked up that the only type of relaxation I know is cutting my skin

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General

Yup, I can’t deal with failure. Tips?

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

So I have been depressed since I was 13, I had a eating disorder (anorexia) for almost three years, I have social anxiety, I self harmed for many years, but now I am 7 months free (yep, trying to hold on) and I tried to commit suicide 5 times.

I can’t stand not being the best, and this feeling is eating me alive. I can’t focus, I can’t stop crying, I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. The feeling of not being perfect is destroying my life, I can’t help but break stuff, hurt myself, slap my face and smash my head against a wall everytime I feel I am losing control and not being good enough. This feeling has been making my life miserable since high school, it seems like I am not able to let myself make mistakes and I can’t even accept when things don’t go as planned.

I am a med student, I have never felt so much pressure in my life like I feel now, I pressure myself to be perfect, even tho I am not and I will never be, I just feel sometimes like I am not doing the right thing and that I am not capable, strong and smart enough to be a doctor. I am starting to feel jealous of my colleagues when others say how great they are, and that isn’t me, I am a sweet person, I don’t wanna be contaminated with this posion, I really need to feel free.

So please, do you have any tips? I desperately need some.

Thank you

 

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General

Feeling Sober

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

I need to write a letter to myself, so I can read whenever I start shaking, sobbing and attacking myself.

I was doing fine. This just makes me feel worst. Oh, dear brain how I wish you were calmer.

All of those rage moments make me bleed, break stuff, beat the shit of my face, and sleep doesn’t solve anything.
I need rest.
And I am sorry for my behaviour.
I am so sorry.
I always get blind from my rage.
I need to grown up.
Feeling twice as guilty, I’ve told my boyfriend I’ve scratched and cut myself, and he told me that he made a promise, so everytime I cut, he will punch himself in the stomach.
I’ve never felt this guilty I guess.
Sorry.

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General

Once I thought I was not a failure…

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

Guess who was wrong?

Well, my last posts here were talking about my recovery and how things got so much better and bla bla bla, but hey it just got worse all of sudden. All that “my life is getting better” was bs. Lol life is being so bitter, but I guess it’s my fault, I am a piece of crap.

I had probably 3 ups in my life since last year, and probably 100 downs. That is not fair, but life isn’t fair for some lucky people like me. I had dreams, I had goals, I had desires and I guess they are never going to be accomplished, because I tried so hard, I gave everything that I had, I am so tired and exhausted of working hard, and I had zero results, actually they were not zero, they were negative numbers.

Fuck.my.life.

I hate the fact that there is stuff holding me back, I wish I just could grab those pills and the end.

I was 6 months free from self harm but I am looking for my razor right now while writing this, I was triggered 2 days ago and I couldn’t get those images out of my mind. Also my fault.

My old friend Ana is back too, bringing the delightful feeling of weakness, binge eating and pointy bones back into my life.

I guess I have the incredible ability of fucking up everything that is going well in my life.

So, lessons learned, I am a failure, I am not capable of anything and I will fail every single day of my life until I have the courage to say goodbye to this world.

I’ve didn’t kill myself yet because of my parents I guess, I am their only child, I just wanted to make them proud of something, but I am tired.

I am 20 right now, I wasn’t expecting to fall into this black hole again, but yep, guess who is back, back again…

I was thinking about all the plans I’ve had in my mind, I didn’t want to get married and have kids, but after meeting my boyfriend I started wanting all of these things, but I am not capable of doing them. Everything was easier before I’ve met him, I didn’t feel guilty for cutting myself, son of a ***** cares about me and I hate/love it.

I am crazy.

I guess I fucked up his life too. I really wish I had the courage to just finish everything and just kill myself, it would probably fix everything.

I’ll give my life one last shot, if I fail, I will just cut the bs and pull the trigger.

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General

Today is my Birthday.

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

I don’t celebrate my Bday a lot, it’s just another sad day. I can’t feel 100% happy anymore on this date, all I do is cry a little bit, but there are three thing that are worth celebrating.

  1. I am eating well again, almost two years since I’ve won the battle against anorexia.
  2. 6 months without cutting! Yey! Self harm free for half a year, I am so happy because I am not worried anymore about revealing my scars in front of others. Such a huge step.
  3. And 6 months without suicidal thoughts. I didn’t win this battle yet, but I am on the right path of life.

So I don’t wanna celebrate my birthday, I want to celebrate life. I want to celebrate my revival. I want to celebrate the fact I didn’t give up! Don’t give up too, let’s all give life a try together.

🙂

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General

It’s been a while…

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

So I haven’t post in here since 2013. Oh man, that’s a long time.

I guess, things got better during time, but I still feel a blank inside my heart after giving all my love and destroying myself for a person whom didn’t give a fuck about me. Now I have a boyfriend, but I don’t feel like I am able to love him as much as he loves me.

I feel blank.

I can’t feel attraction towards any other human being.

It just feels numb.

I guess life doesn’t make sense when you are not able to love.

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GeneralStories of Loss

This stupid love is killing me. I’m just worthless

by They Call Me Amy
written by They Call Me Amy

So, I have a bff (she is a girl) who has been in love with a guy for almost 4 years, but she is too shy and insecure to even go talk to him, and he is very snob and arrogant, so she is afraid of rejection, anyways, this guy has a friend called G.  And last year Idk but I felt a connection with G. He is A VERY VERY SWEET guy, and he is very shy too. I tried to approach him many times, and he was always very nice and kind. He used to spend his free time with his friends, and he used to stare at me ALL THE TIME with kind smiles and sweet glances.
I was falling in love and I couldn’t help it or even control myself. Every time he was around I would go nuts and act out of mind. My friends were kinda afraid of me because of this. Then, I had a female friend called Becca, she was close to G., so one day, one of my friends A. told her that I was falling for G., and asked for help, if Becca could make we get closer and so on. She said okay, but after that day Becca stopped talking to me and my friends.
I couldn’t understand why.
Becca had a friend called Leticia, this girl hates me for NO REASON, I used to date her ex boyfriend , Jason, on 2009, and we broke up on 2010 and he started dating her, and we were just good friends after that, I’ve NEVER made out with him after we broke up. But he started spreading rumours that I still liked him and she told everybody that I was a slutty whore and a lot of people stopped talking to me after that.
So Becca suddenly started hating on me and I’ve noticed that she was trying to hug G. in front of me to make me feel bad. The awkward fact is that Becca had a boyfriend during that time, so she didn’t have a crush on G.
I tried to understand but I couldn’t, and still can’t.
So, I was very tired of everything and on August of 2012 I told G. that I liked him. And he was pretty shocked, he wasn’t expecting that.
He said that I was a beautiful nice girl but he would think about it and talk to me after he made his decision.
I felt so lonely after that, my world was broken, and everything didn’t make sense anymore. But I still had hope.
3 months later and he didn’t talked to me again.
I was still hoping that he was going to talk to me but he started acting like a stranger. Avoiding me sometimes because he was shy and couldn’t handle that. But G. was always staring at me. every single day he was glancing.
I got very depressed and couldn’t eat anymore. I lost so many pounds, I was feeling dizzy all the time, I couldn’t hide my bones, because I didn’t have enough skin. I cried every day and couldn’t find happiness on things.
I was falling in love with him so damn hard. Even after everything.
So, I felt tired of this situation and talked to him again. We spoke about funny and nice things, he was always smiling and being kind, but in the end of our talk I told him about the last time we talked and he said that he was sorry, but he didn’t felt interested.
I lost my world and everything after that. I was just depression + anorexia + cutting.
Funny fact that even after all these things he was still staring at me everytime.
I don’t even know why. HE WAS SO SWEET, SO KIND, ALWAYS STARING AND SMILING, SO WHY HE DIDN’T LIKE ME? WHY WAS HE ACTING LIKE THIS IF DIDN’T FEEL ANYTHING?
I tried to commit suicide many times every that. 2012 was awful, I lost my friend A., I lost G., I couldn’t get into college (I was studying 12 hours a day, every single f*cking day to become a doctor, but It didn’t worked), I became the shame of my family, everybody knew how worthless I was and still am.

Last year I was diagnosed with an ED. I was counting calories, trying to stay under 500 kcal because I wasn’t beautiful enough. I am a piece of crap. No one will never love me.
my heart still beats for him, I still love him with all my heart and I can’t forget him, I don’t find any guy attractive, I don’t want anyone else. never again.
I saw G. yesterday (we still see each other 3 times a week almost), but he avoided me and it is killing me inside. I was doing fine for the last 2 months, but now my recovery is f*cked up, I am taking pills, crying myself to sleep and trying to stop the urge to cut.
I still love him with all my heart and it’s killing me slowly. I don’t know what to do anymore.

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