I understand people going through things and surviving it. But just because you survive it doesnt mean I can or want to. I dont want help to make things better. there is no more “better” left. When it takes effort for my to type these words, I know Im faded. Everyday gets worse and worse, but the funny part is everynight you go to sleep praying for the next day to be better than the last. He still hasnt answered my prayers to take my life, this is how I know he wants me to take my own. Its so beautiful outside, but yet im so dark. Everyone is happy and enjoying their summer, but im locked inside of this misery and no matter how hard I try I cant get out. Nothing works anymore and Im so sick of this shit. Its coming very very close. Im just trying to extend it so that its peaceful and simple. Planned and coordinated. I dont want it to be dramatic for the 1 person who will know. But its becoming hard to keep putting the inevitable off. why avoid something because of false hope. All the dreams and plans have been snatched and given away. All the hope and dedication has been taken advantage off. Out with the old and in with the new right.wrong. Sorry to whoever is reading this and doesnt get it. I know what im typing doesnt make sense Im just typing as the words come to my head and flow out my finger tips.
I run to this like it’ll truly make things better. but really this is just an escape for a few minutes. i didnt even have to wait a whole day today to come back on here. it was made simple for me earlier today. things got turned upside down again. and again…and again. endure the wrath or change. 2 results. 1 has already been given, but yet satisfaction has not been reached. so you’ll keep burning me. until all my flesh has turned to ashes. and theres nothing left to burn. it is admirable to stand by someone who chooses to burn you. im not doing it for the titles, im doing it so when  im gone. you will realize how honest i was. how pure i was. hw all i every wanted was one thing.
I NEED HELP- i need someone to reply back asap. my date has moved up. i dont want to wait much longer. instead of months i want this over with by july 21st. please i dont want help to change, i want help with my decision. for his sake, i dont want to do something dramatic or brutal i want him to think i fell asleep. and didnt wake up. Im praying everyday for allah to not let me wake up the next morning or to have a bus or car kill me. anything so i dont have to do it myself. but this is what is has come to.
Its happening again. can someone help me. I feel that peak, that moment approaching again. but this time the decision has already been made. I wont be brought to that point again and not go through with it. I will ignore any signals this time because those signals will be like the ones from b4- a fake illusions to buy time for right now. Im very sad…very dark…i dont want nothing but a solution as to how to do this quietly and quickly. I want to plan it properly. Start a fight or some reason for me to be gone for a few days, I dont want him to know right away. Laugh? Ok. Blast ? ok Expose? even more reason. secrets arent safe anymore. loyalty has been replaced with fake promises and impulsive decisions. decisions that cant be changed. now u bbm n everything is going as planned and everything is on schedule and we’re great. theres not a single worry in the air. but im sorry- now is my turn to be fake eventhough this is the realest uve ever been. i speak only to you because your the only person who knows my existence. ive been off the grid for 68months-69 this july-end. and now im about to be off even your king.
who can help me do this right. i dont want to just talk about it i want to do it completely and the right way. im not guna jump n rush it i need to make sure things r in order first. i will set a date soon. This isnt a cry for help, this is a cry for assistance. my mind is made up. you dont get it anymore. but you will. and then a lil while after that, youll forget me. i always did what i could. i always did what i cud manage. i tried.
it’s been along time since i came on here. I have many reasons why i didn’t come back here for a while. one of them was because on march 7th, just in time something happened. And after that alot more things happened that made that moment- not so unique anymore. for anyone that’s read my posts before, this one is nothing new- still me typing probably not making any sense i just write as i think i guess.
Im stupid in love, not with him, with the idea of what life should be. I expected it to be a certain way by now, and i expect it to be a certain way in the distant future. but all in all i realize every morning and every night before i close my eyes that thats just me stupid in love with the idea. but reality is relative. Ive tried to hold on. 4 extra months thinking it would be better. i know things dont happen over night. but things shouldnt be worse. you love to make me look like a fool. i keep reading that line. i cant stop reading it. I`ll never have that any longer. I`ll always have to settle for last, I`ll always have to wait, I`ll always have to be pushed over. I dont get to display my talents and qualities, f-that- it`s always about if i can do that one thing. and if i cant- well on to the next. i`ll never be able to rest. i`ll never be at peace. i`ll always be chasing. I`ll always be trying. This summer was suppose to be completely different. every chance we have to step up- you never do and im left alone. everything is my fault. im the failure im the loser. im the joke right. thats what you say when your mad i dont care about what you say when ur happy.
you dont get it. you never will even after im gone. this last time took alot out of me baba. i tried really hard to make this happen. but i just couldnt.
On this blog-we all think secretly inside-what if. what if i dont pull up that hoodie, what if i dont drink that what if i dont pop that. maybe it would be nice, maybe things will change the way its suppose to. And what if it doesnt…then im stuck chasing and chasing and never grasping. I`ll never be happy. its too much of a painful emotion for me. I just want to get plans going again for this, do it and quietly fade away. you might mourn for a while, but eventually i`ll just be a memory, not a moment. Allah knows Ive tried hard this time. I really put my own happiness aside thinking this will make me happy in the end. itll all work out in the end. but it doesnt. days turn into months which turn into years. you have nothing to loose when you;ve given up everything. did i know that would be my last night- did i know that would be the end…i might have done things different. this time will be different. i wont be out there with it. i wont be vocal with it. I`ll be quiet, discreet. I`ll let you all win and get what you want. if i get what i want only 1 person is happy. if i give you what you want…alot more ppl will be happy in the end. If i can leave anything with anyone, it`s this:
never trust, never love, never devote and never dedicate. relationships lead to dependency and dependency leads to disappointment.
Burning A Rope,
I Don’t Need Proof, I Already Know,
What You Did To Me Was A Crime
Cold Case Love
And I let You Reach Me One More Time,
But Thats Enough
The funniest part about this post is that I actually had changed my mind. Listen up ppl. i am the perfect example there is no hope. Last week i was going to post and tell everyone that things might have changed, i might have been given that little bit of peace. Something good happened last week that at the time didn’t feel like that Utopian feeling Ive been talking about for a while. And it lasted for more than just 1 day-more than a few days actually. However monday night that all came crashing down again and what seemed like reality ended being a hazy truth. A cover up, like God thought I would do something last week so he did that to stop me, but he doesnt understand that im still going to do it especially now more than ever because after i believed again, after i gave it a chance-this happened. It was just an experiment. You give me life and energy and then not only do you take it away, you burn me with it. Rub it in my face. My neck is still burning. We can both say we lost it in the heat of the moment; in my opinion, actions can easily be forgotten, its the words that burn. That when you look that person in the face and say “no king, i dont even remember what was said”, deep inside you clinch and hold onto your gut just to get the strength to keep up the front. My face is still burning, everyone tells me wow you look pissed right now. You did this. Within a flash of a moment you took away every ounce of happiness i every could possibly possess. It funny how this all happened today, March 7th, the day i wanted to be my official d-day. i woke up with second thoughts. why is it every time we get second thoughts something pops up to remind us to kill them thoughts?
I hold on and hold on even though everything else has fallen apart because your still together. But i cant do this any more. Its not that I dont want to, its that I just cant. i cant hope anymore.
Im so weak now. i type so fast getting all my frustrations out but now I just feel super weak. Im only doing this last errand for you so you dont believe what i bbm’n u in the heat of the moment. i shouldnt have exposed myself to you like that. I wish that bus hit me when it went into the street. Why did you grab me? and that wouldnt have even been suicide that would have been a mistake by the bus driver lol. You always save me but its not for me, its for your own personal selfish greedy reasons. i wouldnt be this unhappy, i wouldnt be this alone, I wouldnt be this messed up, if you never made that call. You always said our love was so passionate-I always said it was dangerous. you said you’ll be ok without me and thats because i trained you so you dont need no one for nothing. i made these hoes jobs easy for them. I just want to keep typing and typing but i gota go get ready, but on the face, fix myself up and go do this last thing for you. You kept me alive so you wouldnt feel bad. You said i should worry when you stop fighting, when you stop talking, no my baba, my king, my heart. Its you who should worry when i go silent.
Release Me Now, Because I Did My Time Of This Cold Case Love.
As expected, i knew I would be posting this. As i type-the constant perfectly worded bbm’s come in and the apologizes come gushing out. But they mean nothing, even when i try to smile and feel the emotion, I just can’t. Im more than just hollow, Im more than just the ice queen-im just ice now. I knew this would happen, didn’t I say that yesterday in another round??? The promises were forgotten by the time the top of the staircase was reached, they were probably forgotten as soon as they left the lips. Now Im sitting here again, another disappointing day. So sick of it. Like this just brings my issues to reality instead of clouding it with a fat philly. I remember when we had great days for biz-we had great days for us. But now its just great days for biz. but the funny part is this isnt your fault-this is mine for not being strong enough to alter things when I could. Playing dumb all day gets you nowhere. but playing smart pretty much gets you to the exact same place. these wicked games we play, i don’t know if you still know your playing them. i feel your trying really hard to notice the issue and change it, but its just not working for me now. this ice is too thick to break through. You use to make me melt with those same msgs now all you do is make me harder. well i guess after all those years of training and discipline, you finally got what you wanted. heartless, hardened and unable to interpret anything but biz and despair.thanks for another day of false hope. it meant the world to me. i guess the up side of this blog is that a part of me actually thought there was a small chance i’d have something else to write about tonight.many sweet dreams, many good nights.
Its weird how I check into this thing alot now throughout the day. I’m curious to see if other people are out there who feel even a fraction of what I feel.
Today was a very bad day. Its funny when you close your eyes at night thinking  tomorrow will be better, today was the worst it could get. But that wasn’t the case. To end of the horrible day, another Utopian moment happened. Followed by alot of sweet bbm’s and constant pings when a response wasnt received right away. However those are just more moments. False promises made in a moment never mean anything real. Chances are it was forgotten by the time one finished climbing the staircase. Anyone who is reading this right now is probably like what the heck is this chicka talking about- i really don’t care or expect anyone to get me or what I’m trying to say. i just know i run to this every time I get a moment now-because I know its no longer real and I’m tired of being happy for the moment. While your in your castle, I’m in mine. except yours is bright and colorful because you asked me to make it that way so i did as you wished because your my king, no matter what. But through all this, I’ve made my own castle dark, cold and lonely. I’m so lonely. I am surrounded by luxuries and people; Anything I want I can get with the snap of my fingers, but the one small itty bitty thing I NEED I cant get-at all. So tomorrow I wake up and attempt yet another day in this BS called the world. I can guarantee whoever is reading this, i will post again tomorrow evening/night and I will have updates in regards to those “promises and moments” – it will be even messier than tonight. i really wish i had the energy and will to keep on typing and express myself, maybe then someone out there could really identify with me, but i just cant.
When your put in a situation where u have no control and all your rights as a human being is taken away from you-and the only thing keeping you alive and pumping blood through your veins is the simple thought of someone-all communication has been cut off from the outside world. Then to be released and realize everything was gone-you were mislead for a long time. Everything from the guido-mavi’s to the minellis to the chanels-gone. But your still smiling because you know there’s no possible way that person is gone. But that person has changed. Life still continues, people still live and the sun still sets without you. I read in another post on this website someone said-people say that its selfish and you will be hurting the people that love you if you take your own life. She also pointed out the irony in that statement-that those people will get over it, forget you and eventually one day die themselves. So from that-I take one thing: DO U!!! if i really do this on the specific date-for the first time in my life, i will be doing me.
Everyone Thinks That I have It All,
But Its So Empty Living Behind These Castle Walls,
If I Should Tumble,
If I Should Fall,
Would Anyone Hearing Me Screaming Behind These Castle Walls,
There’s No One Here At All,
Behind These Castle Walls.
I live a very different life. This is my first time trying something like this, I’m not doing this with the intention that it’ll bring me pity or sympathy from others, Im doing this hoping that it’ll bring me some FORM of peace.
Im not like alot of people out there. I live a very different life. Luxuries people would never even dream of. My ordinary level is some peoples loft hopes and dreams. Regardless of the way my lifestyle was obtained, I’m still a human being who hurts and he doesn’t get that. the weak side of me wants to say this is all 100percent because of him. however the stronger side admits that this is something that he just brought out. My personal life choices made it last and evolve into something this unbearable. I’m hoping over time I’ll be able to let me whole story out, but as of now, Im just not sure what route to take with this. The secrets I hold are too dangerous to even blog about unanimously. This lifestyle has pushed me into a dark corner and I cant see,even with my thousand dollar glasses on. Ive become very lonely. Very cold and bitter, I dont know how to except anything anymore. i dont even know what Im typing right now, it prob. doesnt even make sense-i just know im very sad. The idea of castle walls is that of an image that needs to be upkept and i cant do it anymore. I cant be the queen anymore its too much for me. My whole life turned around in 64 months. I trusted him to always protect me because ialways protected him. I even lost significant opportunities in my life for him and this lifestyle. How Could you after everything i did, after everything i sacrificed for you and us and our lives. Your still here but you have no idea how thick these castle walls have become. i cant be strong anymore. i cant be the ice queen anymore. im tired. very tired. The one time I needed you to have my back you were nowhere to be found. i more than almost wish you did what you did when i was locked up instead of when i got out. how could you leave all my life behind, all my investments, all my important things. everything-gone, because of greed. im very hurt and i dont want to write anymore. maybe later because i have so much to say, but i know it wont make sense. it just wont. i duno about anything anymore. “You Can’t See The Castle Full Of Walls Til It Falls”
Nobody Knows Im All Alone,
Living In This Castle Made Of Stone,
They Say That Money Is Freedom,
But I Feel Trapped Inside It All.
And While I Sit So High Up On This Throne,
I Wonder How I Can Feel This Low,
On Top Of The World Is Beautiful, But There’s No Place To Fall