It surprises me almost daily that I have made it to a new day. Before age 16 I was sure that I wouldn’t make it to that age for some strange reason. Here I am at twenty, and my life is horror show. I feel like I just can’t be. You know? It feels like I have lost myself, motivation, belief and real friends. The friendships I have feel like one of obligation, convenience and due to hanging out during high school, and its terrible to feel this way but it feels like something vital is missing…it could be within myself or maybe it really is the friendship. Life is so suffocating and it constantly feels like I am fighting for air (not physically, maybe…sometimes.. I really should exercise more xD), yet it feels like I just can’t catch my breath. I wonder if I am doomed to repeat the mistakes of my mother, father, siblings and external family, which has a history of toxic behavior…I don’t know. At one point in life things in life weren’t really much better then they are know, but I was able to manage everything so much better. Now? I am just a mess of bad habits, anxiety, sadness, pain and anger whose life is composed of toxic people, bad grades, perpetual lateness, and recently developed speech/communication issues. I don’t even know what to say, think or do about my life. I just stare and stare at the sky wishing everything was different. Sigh. I am nowhere near where I would like to be or who I would like to be .Now, I just wither away in my hovel…how grand :/
You know, “family” is such a wretched word for me. I don’t understand why people who call themselves family behave in ways that are so bizarre that if any other person did these things I probably wouldn’t put up with it, it’s disgusting, disturbing and all of the above vile. Why is this kind of family worth fighting for? I mean it’s one thing if they were nice before,but even then the behavior is still toxic and very wrong, however I feel like in my case that has always been a very fine line of me waiting for the next horrible event to occur or cruel word. There is always some vile word coming from their mouth or some nasty accusation or verbal attack or just an attack on your person. Apparently I can do no right most of the time. It’s like only filth comes out of their mouth. I really tempted at times to tell them to f*uck off because they are not as important to the universe as they think they are or as benevolent either. I am tired. Very tired of this emotional, mental and psychological warfare. It has been going on for MOST of my life. At what point is enough? Enough?
THEN they try to bring LOVE into it for convenience. I am doing it for you…. Oh my goodness how delusional do you have to be.NO. It’s not delusional. It’s just straight up lying.It’s bullshitting. I feel like “these” people want to keep me in a state of self-doubt, co-dependence and incompetence, while at the same time saying differently at times thus keeping you in a state of torturous limbo where you can’t quite move forward or stay in the same place in terms of growth. Honestly, I don’t think they care what comes out of their mouths or what they do because as long as they go to church and pray to God no matter how vile their actions it’s okay, because God won’t mind. God doesn’t care. I just hate the way my heart feels so brittle and strained from all of this nonsense. I honestly think I have come not only to resent these people, but my emotions are strongly, if not already have tipped into hatred. I am not a saint, maybe not even a good person, but this is just so wrong and f*cked up. I don’t think I can love people like this the way some other people do. I am sorry I am not one of those people. I wish I was, but in place where change is about as forthcoming as pigs flying I just can’t do this much longer or maybe I have been done for a long time….I just can’t anymore.
There are moments when I get so angry and saddened just thinking about it all. LOVE is such a wretched emotion when given to the wrong people. I feel like a bird locked in a small cage encapsulated by many and much larger cages….trapped it seems like forever. Every time I open one door there lays another locked door waiting for me. Sometimes I want to cry, but I don’t, not anymore…my tears have never done anything for me except leave me feeling weak and hopeless – waste of time. I feel like “these” people want to break you, so that they can stand over you gloating, “See I WAS RIGHT. You will never escape the web I have weaved to ensnare you, and I will always have the power to crush you.” Gosh how sick is this… We’ve all said our share of horrible things to each other, but as the years go by I realize that they are probably not going to stop, and even as I have scaled back… I am constantly targeted. I don’t even know what this is anymore. It’s just sick and wrong. Punishment? For what, existence or just because you can I mean know ones watching right, so who cares you don’t have to treat or facilitate human decency…
P.S- Sorry, if this is a bit of a rant.
Today “she” called called me by this vile name.
Today “she” told me God would punish me.
Today “she” told me that travesties would befall me.
Today “she” told me one day I would need them, and no one would be there for me.
Today “she” told me that I gave her the most trouble between my sister and I. I a quiet anxious, depressed student did this. I am not a good person, but this statement is ridiculous.
Today “she” stormed into our shared bed room threw open the curtains, and tore back my sheets.
Today “she” demanded I go with her now that I had free time. If free time is the space between “there” and work for eight hours.
All this because she needs her puppet to go to her church with her. When I say need, it’s a need that comes from desperately wanting to please those around her, and to control her child.
Yesterday “she” hit me.
Yesterday our private conversation about personal aspects of my body turned public as her volume increased in anger. Humiliating? Violating? All of the above, but those feelings don’t penetrate very deeply to my core anymore. All I can describe the feeling is as if these emotions are like entities with eyes watching silently back with unblinking eyes at the scene before them. Even when I cry it isn’t coming from the same place as before.
Who is this “she”? The “she” is my religious mother. The same mother who goes to church on a regular biases and reads her bible. Mother? What-a-JOKE. This is the epitome of religion? Control, Ill will, co-dependence, anger, rage, justifying the unjustifiable, fear, emotional, mental and psychical violence, cruel words.
After all that I still don’t blame the religion for “her” behavior. I don’t remember “this” being apart of it, and yet it’s like an unspoken right that isn’t really questioned.
I wonder how many people blame God for their vile behavior, and say it is due recompense?
Sometimes I am tempted to ask “her” do you think you’ll go to heaven after all of this? That God will open up his arm to your vile behavior, because you cry his name every Sunday and look down upon the world?
Sometimes I worry for her soul, but at the same time how can you help someone who thinks they can see when they’re actually blind?
I don’t know what religion means to me yet I am still asked to follow it, and pretend to the utmost of my abilities to the point where I not only deceive myself but those around me as well. However, no one says it, but you get sense that this is the expectation.
I have never really said this to anyone, but I don’t like my mother or my sister or much of those in my extended family ( due to various horrible behavior from them ie, false rumors about my mother and out families, alienation and verbal abuse etc). Funny enough… I will always love them. I don’t think that this “love” is a feeling the I can escape, and somewhere inside me will always wish that things could have been different. Even if things changed it is far too late for there to be a good close relationship.Too many chances given. I let people back unconsciously,and I give them many chances too, but I don’t why I do this. I think it’s hope? Maybe a need for love and belonging? Darn Maslow’s hierarchy of needs….
I am tired of this garbage….
I am tired of her religious threats….
I am tired of them…
I am tired of her…
I am tired of feeling tired…
I am tired of feeling bad about myself…
I am tired of feeling like this is all I will ever have…
I am tired of this lack of love and relationship…
I am tired of justifying the unjustifiable…
I am tired of feeling helpless…
I don’t want to be a victim…
I don’t want to be a whipping post…
I don’t want to live with them or speak to them or have anything to do with them, but I know their will always be a longing, a grieving and mourning for what could and should have been.
I believe I will be better when I leave them, and they are in the past or far in the distance where they can’t take up my air, pollute it or use it to destroy me. I believe it when I leave for this first time I will be okay. It won’t be roses, but I believe it will be okay, but when will that be?
It’s a shame that a person’s life can turn out this way. I am not better than anyone one else or too much worse. I have done my share of wrongs and rights, but I don’t believe that I deserves this, but then again who I am to decide this?
-P.S, Sorry for the bad spelling and grammar.
What is this twisted game for… and why won’t it stop?
It often feels like I am stuck between the pit and the pendulum. Neither option is appealing, but there is nothing else to do but to dwell in the in-between or let one or the other destroy me. Most of my days are spent dodging the pendulum or searching for refuge from the heat of the pits fire.
However, I can’t help but wonder if the relationship I have with pain in life mirrors the relationship between the joker and batman. Who would they be without each other, and who would I be without pain? Better? Worse? I am unsure because so much of who I am has been formed from pain. (‘o’)
Question:Who do you think you would be without pain? Does pain define your identity?
It’s strange the place I’m in right now, because these emotions or more so the lack of emotions disturbs me. For the last few years I find it a struggle to identify the emotions I feel. It’s as if my emotions are all knotted together in a tight-knit ball, so indistinguishable from each other much of the time…
A little off topic, but I’m tired of the daily struggles I have to bear in life. Often, I feel like I’m confined to a certain way of being, of living, of existence. I don’t think I’m expressing this in the right way, but I just wish I didn’t feel so trapped. It seems like a non stop war is raging around me. I fight and fight these battles, which have gone on for years, and I feel honestly like it’s all futile. I doubt everything I dream to be. I don’t have much. I don’t have good support, but I still want to believe that I can have these dreams. I hope these aren’t delusions of grandeur. I don’t think they are I just want to be an unshackled, capable and more competent version of me. Is this too much? I hate this doubt! I detest feeling like I’m not good enough in any way to accomplish certain things in life! Gosh, who told me I was so low? It sounds silly when I read it, but it’s just that I feel it so much of the time. I just want to feel like I can. You know…like I don’t have to be a special type of person to do certain things and that it’s okay that I want too.
It’s ridiculous, but even as I type this something in me still screams, “Forge ahead!” At the same time I wonder, again and again – what for? So, conflicted. It’s all so bizarre…
Sorry, I used “I” too much.
I’m new to the suicide project, but I’ve been a silent observer in the background for a couple of years. It seems like many people have come and gone on this sight, hopefully they were able to move onto a better much happier part of their lives. All, I hope is that this site will offer a little catharsis to my soul,and that I will be able to have victory over my inner demons. It is nice to meet you all.