I’m fucked. I can’t cope. Life is so difficult. For what gain? Why do we struggle and try to be better, try to grab hold of our mental health, try to control it. I can’t control my bank account let alone my mental health.
Last time I was here 2015, well posting. I’ve been lurking off and on. Since then I’ve engaged with MH workers, Drs… Psychiatrists & Im on meds. I spend 3 hrs a week working directly on my mental health. I feel worse than I did before I started. My emotional outbursts are horrific. I’m a shaking crying violent mess 🙁 I feel homicidal & suicidal. Before I engaged I was just suicidal… But as the process continues, I become more hopeless.
There is no cure for being a fully fledged fucked up individual. My brain has been wired up wrong due to my upbringing. I’m never going to be right.
2 years later… Still have no friends. Minus a bunch of selfish cunts who want to fuck me.
2 years later I’ve crushed the man of my dreams and broken his heart to the point of no return. He left me and started fucki someone else. I can’t blame him. I’ve been self harming (not cutting, there are many ways to self harm) and making myself so mentally and physically sick for about a year of our 2 year relationship.
We’ve been trying to be friends. I love him, he loves me. But tonight I went to his and saw a lipstick his new fuck buddy had “accidentally” left . I tried to hold it together. I smashed it into a door and stamped on the case, she won’t be using that again that’s for sure.
That might have been ok, but I then stormed off got my bag with a nice leather strap and well .., no methods hey, so I better not say. Let’s just say it was very close up there on a slippery thin bench.
He picked me up from where I was sitting on the ground. Brought me home.
He’s downstairs now and I’m up here with a multitude of pills and a burni desire to be away from this godforsaken world.
I wanted to tell someone. It used to help. But now…. The struggle is too great.
How is someone with MH problems supposed to survive this dog eat dog world? I haven’t had a working oven for 3 fucking months. My landlord is shit. My walls are crumbling around me and the fucki agent has the cheek to tell me I need to paint. Are they blind there’s fucki holes in the plaster… All fucking over the house. Mound damp it’s cold and I spend a fortune on heating.
If I stay I can’t stay here Bing responsible for everything, living alone. Struggling.
I used to visit a cult. If I am still here come the summer… I’m going to live with them.