I’ve hurt lots of people, albeit unintentionally. At school. During activities. On the internet. I didn’t think I was doing anything bad. I didn’t realize. I never do. It’s so difficult for me to understand how others feel and are affected by things, at least not until it’s too late. Even when I’m told that something that I said or did was wrong, I often either can’t understand why it was unacceptable or why it was so to such a great extent. I’ve been called a bully, and I didn’t understand why. I was angry and upset at the label. Even though I went out of my way to say some of these things. I’ve also been called rude. Everyone comments on how much of a goddamned social failure I am, and even my fucking parents are embarrassed. People also seem to be profoundly hurt by things that I say. Some of these people I can never apologize to, as I haven’t seen them in years. And they probably still hold what I said and did to them against me. I feel horrible.
I feel like I haven’t done anything with my life and that others have accomplished more than I have and live happier, more fulfilling lives. Everyone else is already engaged in and/or good at multiple things. But me? I waste all of my time and get nothing of importance accomplished. And I can’t stop because I lack motivation and nothing I do feels important. People always say that I’m a really smart kid but that’s bullshit. Maybe I was, but that would’ve been a long time ago, before I became an absolute failure of a human being. I’m not good at anything. My past and the present both suck, and I have nothing to look forward to in the future. I wanted to be a physicist, but I’m getting B’s in math and I have gotten C’s in the past. Living life as myself is so hard because I’m constantly reminded of how much I suck. I’d rather be someone else or nonexistent. Just not me.