by the wayside.
And I can’t get up.
Stop telling yourself that you are nothing. Stop telling yourself that you are ugly. Stop doubting everything you do. Stop telling yourself that nobody likes you. Stop telling yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy. Stop laying around and wasting time. Stop hating yourself.
I have a recurring dream. Where the dream takes place varies, but it is familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.
I am running. Running away or towards something. Through buildings, up and down stairs and hallways. Then outside. Through bad neighborhoods and my own familiar streets. I’m never tired. I just keep on running.
A bear makes its way into suburbia. Big news story. Schools on lockdown. Officials trying to track it down. They claim to want to relocate the bear. Likely they will end up killing her.
I feel like that bear. In the wrong place. Wrong everything. Being chased by a faceless demon. If only I could be relocated. My demon wants me dead.
Excuse me. Is your name Larry?
I see you at the bar sometimes. You play Keno, right? Do you ever hit big? Yeah? No, I don’t know how to play.
Anyway, the reason I’m asking is because I saw someone who looked like you on the bridge the other night when I was driving home. Looked like you were going to jump. No? Not you? Sure had me fooled. You drive a white Dodge pickup with a flag in the back window, right? I knew it was you. What made you change your mind?
I feel paralyzed. I’m exhausted and cannot accomplish a thing. The only thing that makes me want to do something is alcohol. I feel so overwhelmed by even the most mundane task. I’m useless. I don’t feel suicidal but depression is ruining my life.
Today I’m going to laugh at myself. Laugh at my looks. At my messy house. At the piled up clothes. Chipping paint. Later I’m going to drink a few beers. And laugh. I take myself too seriously at times. Then I freeze up and can’t get anything done. I’m hoping if I lighten up it will help. Anyone have a joke to share?
Living with mental illness is so hard. I’ve been depressed since I was a kid. Nothing seems to work. Anxiety has taken over my life. I’m paralyzed by it. I can’t seem to accomplish anything. I am scarred by years of self harm. Part of me wants out. But I can’t help feeling that there is something good out there. Is there any hope? Can anyone relate?
I’m sitting here wondering when the Time will come. It looks like tonight is good. Full moon. I’m alone at the Atlantic Ocean. Listening to music. Last meal done. Still have dessert. And music, a weapon and an outgoing tide.
So I ask:
Any suggestions for a last album?