Life is just too damn difficult for me…I can’t seem to get a grip on it, and now that I’m in my 40s I feel like it’s rather hopeless trying to change anything about myself to make things better. Sometimes I wish my parents and brother didn’t exist, so I wouldn’t have any obligations to continue existing. What a waste of time and money my life has been…can’t find meaning in existence, can’t connect with people, can’t even find any real enjoyment in this supposed gift called life. It would seem the sensible/responsible thing to do is recognize and fully accept that I really do need to just die.
Why draw out this life, when I don’t really care for it? Why delude my family into believing that somehow, someday I will overcome my wretched condition? Why keep caring for my two cats when they would be far better off with someone who could take better care of them and not burden them with an overbearing depressive aura? I think it is mostly cowardice that has kept me from making my death happen.
There have been so many days–many of them consecutive–where I would escape from it all by just sleeping and staying in bed. I kinda feel like going back to that again, even though I already did just that for a whole week, and only today managed to get back to “life and responsibilities”. I’m so behind on everything now, I can’t really afford to waste the days coming ahead. If I do engage in the sleep escape for much longer, I just won’t be able to stay afloat financially.
I just can’t sustainably continue with life…I’ve struggled with being the broken person I am for decades, and my conviction that it is time to wrap things up and check out is stronger now than in years past. Part of me wants to fight this, as I have before, but I just can’t delude myself into believing that would be anything more than a mere postponement of another inevitable failure.
I wish I had someone to talk to about this kind of thing, but there really is nobody who cares to…it seems like only others who are also in the shithole of being depressed/suicidal can listen/talk about it. I think it’s a self-preservation thing…”normal” people don’t want to fall into the shithole themselves.