I’ve never believed I’d make it past 21. I was convinced I’d get a slight feeling of autonomy and take the opportunity to end everything, and yet i’m 26 and still falling into the same trap. 4 suicide Attempts since age 11. Each one interrupted before things started. Then I turn 20. While laying on the railway, I find goals to acheive, I move out, I build myself up financially, and now 5 years later, I’ve acheived my goals, and along the way I meet who would be my best friend and soon to be wife. And I come to realize that I’ve never been happy, every day prior was just agony. Putting up with abuse, physical, emotional, and sexual from most all family and “friends” but I have broken free from this cycle, and I know what joy feels like now. that doesn’t change much however.
3 years ago I was diagnosed as Rapidcycling Bipolar II, meaning my manias don’t necessarily reach a loss of reality, but the depressions often spiral to suicide. The kicker being these cycles repeat every 2 months. I’ve since managed to switch to “dehydration methods” for the sole reason of how long they take, letting me accurately gage whether or not I’m acting on impulse. Often stopping after 4 days, I still find certain things even clearer after each attempt.
I don’t enjoy anything, I have no true aspirations, I am coasting until the next hurdle strikes and I start fasting again. I come home from work and from there until i sleep, I force myself to eat or watch a movie or socialize, but it’s always the same. more of a chore than an activity. A slough to sit through until i can eventually sleep and try again tomorrow. And no matter how well things go, I come out of it wishing I never tried to begin with.
So here I am again, day 3 of the fast, unsure what tomorrow will bring. I just want off this ride.