I find myself everyday becoming lost in my own world, and my own mind. In my short life, I have found reality to be a tragedy. I’m not talking about things that have nothing to do with me, such as politics, and world issues, but I find that if I was to face real life, I would find myself belittled and bitter looking back at the poor choices and cringeworthy decisions I’ve made. I find myself easily lost and afraid. Suicide seems to never be an option, but I just wonder how to permanently escape these mental barriers without ending it all.
I don’t know why I am constantly resentful of those around me. Every time something good happens, I always seem to fall into resentful. I hate myself, and I hate living. This probably does not do anything, or has any value, but I’m not sure how to accurately express myself with these issues. I wish I was dead, and I hope something kills me, because I hate being alive, and I hate dealing with people’s problems.
I hate my mother. She among others say life is worth living, however from what I see and what I am, I cannot imagine a greater punishment than can be inflicted on a person than life itself. I wish I was that baby she aborted, I’d prefer them to deal with life’s awfulness, instead of me. Why did I have to be born, I don’t understand. I definitely hate my father. He is a foul, lowlife, useless piece of trash that disgraces the concrete and carpet he walks on. That fact this fraud is my father is shameful and disturbing. I hate them for creating me, and I hope they die a slow painful death, and go to hell for breeding me out of incompetence. I hope to move far away from them someday, and never see them again. They did me dirty bringing me in this world, pretending that they were people I should look up to, and in reality, they should have never had kids, they should have labeled as invalids worthy of shock treatment and lobotomy. They are losers who bred losers, and for that, they are incompetent criminals, a threat to society.
The fact is no rational thought I have will be my own. It will be what I was told to say. If I say for example: “Life is worth living”, that is other people saying that. I don’t think that, I think life and people are terrible, and no one should of been born in this ball of hell.
I want everyone to know that you are all great people. You did absolutely nothing wrong. It was me who needed you, and I couldn’t stand it. You can’t want someone you can’t keep. Having a human being in your life to listen to you and to understand you is priceless. You can’t replace that with a phone, a car, or a house. I don’t know what I doing, I don’t know how to feel, I don’t know what I’m thinking. No one needs me, but I need them. It is hopeless, I can’t live like this anymore. I hate living. Everything that truly matters goes away, and you’re not present in your mind to either enjoy it, or stay away from the pain and desperation it causes. I have being alive, I have nothing that truly matters, and I was not born with the proper mindset to get what truly matters. I was born to be a loser, I was born to suffer, I was born alone to be alone, and it’s not worth it anymore, I’m tired of trying. It’s a circle of pain, and I want to be numb. Whoever can find happiness with whom ever, you should be happy and proud of yourselves, and I hope nothing stands in the way of that, because it is so necessary, yet so rare. I’ll never have it, some others will never have it, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have it. I know you will be happier without me trying to suck the kindness and compassion out of you. You should share it with those who can give it back. I wish I knew how to love like the others around me. I wish I could be what you were to me. Knowing that I can’t, it breaks my heart, and I feel guilty, and ashamed. I am nothing, I’m nowhere, I’m nobody. I never was anybody, because I could never be somebody to someone. I’m tired of being something I’m not. I’m tired of being something nobody wants. I am a waste. I should have never been born. I was never meant to exist. I am a bother. I just wanted to feel someone else’s pain instead of my own. I never had that tool. I couldn’t feel anything naturally, because I wasn’t born to do so.