I ain’t looking for pity, I fucking know I don’t deserve it. Life is fucking good for me right now. I got a roof over my head, I got food to eat, I got friends and family, I’m doing well in classes, and I just got a great fucking job at one of my favorite places in the area, so why the fuck do I feel like this……
Ronin no seppuku
God, I forgot how good a knife edge feels….
I spent some time today scouting various locations to make my exit, and I’ve narrowed it down to about 2-4 places. I don’t know when I’ll take that last step, but at least I have a good idea of where I will…
And here, I thought I had gotten better.
Let me start by saying that I know I’m a skinny person, and I know I don’t need to lose any weight, even if I would like to lose a few pounds. I’ve also been standing right on the edge (metaphorically speaking) of developing anorexic habits for some time now, though I’ve not had a great deal of choice in how much I do without, due to the physical requirements of my job and the need to keep my energy levels up. I feel fairly confident saying that, because I know several people who struggle with anorexia, and I can see how it affects their behaviour.
Anyways, I felt very nauseous yesterday, and felt like I was going to throw up. Of course I didn’t, because I have a rather strong stomach, and eventually had to force myself to, by sticking my fingers down my throat. After that, I felt fine the remainder of the day, if a tad bit hungry.
Fast forward to this morning, and all I can think about is just how much I’ve eaten today (two sandwiches), and it’s terrifying me. All I can think about, every time I walk past a restroom is running in there, and getting that garbage out of me as soon as I can.
Let me just give up, Let me just let go,
If this isn’t good for me, well I don’t wanna know.
Let me just stop trying, let me just stop fighting,
I don’t want your good advice or reasons why I’m alright…
This may be goodbye
I may remain for some time
I leave on my terms