Always told myself if I am not happy by 30 I was going to kill myself. I’m not happy and my birthday is in 3 days.
I am sick of this daily drudge. I have a family, a wife and kids. I made just over 100,000 last year. Don’t let anyone tell you money can buy happiness. I love my wife and kids but I cannot stand life now. I obsess over living away from people. Unlike some I can honestly say I have never felt lonely one day in my life.
I recently reread “into the wild”. I feel him. I want to be alone in the wilderness somewhere. Even if, like him, it kills me. I feel a burning in my chest constantly now to do this. Thinking about how I am going to feed myself and stay dry and collect necessities take my mind to a place of purpose.
I look out and see the same cars everywhere, the same clothes, the same people carbon copies everywhere. How are they happy? Are they? Maybe they just pretend better than me.
At this point in my life I feel like I have 2 options.
1. Liquidate everything I have and give it to my family and leave. Just disappear.
So this may be a long shot for most of you but I hope it helps at least one person on here. I have had depression for 6+ years. I have tried dozens of medications all making me feel like shit. Some helped a bit and others just messed me up. Long story short I ended up getting a blood test and the doctors found I have low testosterone. Very low. I am only 28! My levels were 142 points when the acceptable levels are between 400 and 1000! One of they symptoms of low testosterone (and low estrogen for the women) is major depression. I have always been skinny with little muscle mass but obiesity can also cause low levels so it can effect anyone. Please everyone get checked for it. It is not that expensive and could save your life and when you get where I am with it you will be amazed at getting your normal life back. I am only 6 weeks into treatment and I am completely off of my depression meds and I feel amazing. Please please please do this. I want one person to tell me they found this as their cause. With love.
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone. You guys talked me into seeing a doctor and they put me on medication for depression about a month ago and I feel like a new person. I haven’t had depressing or suicidal thoughts and I feel like a huge weight that was tied around my heart was removed. I hope anyone else that hasn’t seen a doctor does so. Your dark thoughts are not you… Thanks everyone and have a great new year.
Last day to get obamacare. I’m uninsured right now and not sure if I should get it. I want to get diagnosed and maybe treated but it costs me 395 a month. I think my family’s financial welfare is more important than my mental welfare. What do you guys think? Thats a lot of money a month. Might cost me less just to pay the doctor cash.
Hard day yesterday. Cried a lot. I usually hold it in for a month or two and then it all comes bursting out. It sucks but I always feel much better the next day. I was listening to JJ Grey and Mofro’s song Sun is Shining Down and it triggered me. I’m not religious at all. I think it is the powerful emotion in his voice.
I wrote probably 2000+ words and deleted it because I realized I don’t know what I was trying to say. Does this happen to anyone else?
So a guy in my town killed himself recently. He spent his last days donating all of his stuff to goodwill. Cleaned his apartment top to bottom. Vaccumed, cleaned, sold his car. Layed out a tarp on the floor and wrapped himself in it. Left the key outside is apartment and called the cops. Then put a pillow over his head and shot himself. People couldn’t believe it but all I could think is what a great guy he was to think that much of others before he did it. Man I’m fucked up.
Lots of research as shown that low serotonin levels directly relates to depression. One of the best ways to raise serotonin levels is daily exercise. Unfortunately low serotonin also makes you not want to exercise making your brain go against what your body wants and needs. I challenge anyone here who is feeling depressed to try it for a few weeks with me. One punch man is kind of inspiring me so I guess I should take advantage before it wears off.
My uncle killed himself last week. Drove out into the woods about 10 miles from his house and parked at the end of an old logging road. Tied his belt to his seat and hung himself. He had been missing for a few days before they found him. I wasn’t super close to him. I feel nothing. I want to hate myself for not feeling bad but it is hard to when I feel nothing. It’s hard to judge or hate when I have been considering the same thing for a while. How long did he think about it? What finally pushed him to do it? I don’t know. All I know is it is going to be a ***** of a thanksgiving.
I have been putting a lot of thought into religion lately and I get it. Religion is important in a lot of peoples lives and they get angry when you want to freely discuss god instead of blindly follow. A good friend of mine killed herself a few years back. We were part of the Jehovah’s witness cult and she had voices in her head telling her to hurt herself. She went to the elders of the church (because that’s what you would do) and they told her she needed to pray more. Not one of those motherfuckers though maybe she should go to see a doctor or get medication. Just pray more! Every one of them should be in jail for negligent homicide. Forgive me if I hate religion.
I got Fallout 4. I have had it for 4 days now and haven’t played it. I haven’t watched a new movie in … wow I don’t even remember the last movie I watched. Must have been well over a year ago. I have no interest in anything anymore. I did some research and found that it is one of the many symptoms of depression that I definitely have. I will spend an entire weekend doing nothing and then hate myself on monday for wasting it. Anyone else suffering from a complete lack of interest in things you used to be passionate about?
Anyone ever feel the urge to just walk into the mountains and see how far you can go until you collapse?