Hey uh I’ve been gone for a while maybe a bit more then that and I feel super like shit I can’t seem to get better I just feel like I’m living the same boring life it’s as if there’s nothing more to do anymore that can help me what do I do
I’m having a hard time on what I’m feeling with this guy in with. Seriously its like he gets mad for everything I can’t do right like fuck man I either want to have fun on gta ny way but nooooo like wtf n then same with our cat like I don’t know wht the fuck is up with this guy idk I just need to vent
Why is that I feel so scared and so paranoid now that he’s cheated on me twice. I feel as if I were back in when I had a abusive relationship but different. Why is that I feel that way? Is there something wrong with me? I mean I could just trust him again. But I’m scared to do that. Like what if he does it again. What if my friends are right? What if I am just letting him get away with it? Help me please I dont know what to do or feel . I should let it go shouldn’t I ?
you know i feel depressed i feel like i really shouldn’t be here anymore i feel like i don’t belong here on earth or anywhere. I know this sounds lame or dumb or you’ve heard it before i know and i’m sorry but god damn sometimes you have to understand we’re human to you know. I’ve just been down more then usual. I don’t feel like myself anymore for some reason. I feel like i’ve just lost all hope and its just bringing me and others down. Should i just end it or should i wait and see if it gets better like people say it will. I want to wait so i will but what if it doesn’t get better. what if all this that people say is just a lie to make us stop “whining”. Can some one just explain what i feel please cause i dont know whats wrong with me. i know thats dumb too its my own body im suppose to know whats wrong with it but i dont i really im just………… lost……….. i dont know what to do help me please. just help me. i need to know that im worth something that ill actually be worth something in life.
Welp lets see its all in the name ive started to do…… coke now not weed n pills or k2 anymore I moved up to coke and u no I think its cause I just stopped caring I was doing so good then my friends crashed into my family in the back nothing happened then my gpa got mad told me its always my fault for stuff like this and then my friends made me really happy then my gpa again fucks it up tells me im stupid and crazy well maybe I am I just ugh I give up drugs music thats what helps the most now but drugs drugs help me escape from reality a lil more and maybe just maybe if I go farther itll take me away more farther then ever and make this all stop
I just idk I just give up Im sorry that I cant be the perfect lil child u want ok im mad at myself for doing my mistakes but ive done more good then bad but fine it doesnt matter if I have right fine im so mad at myself why cant I be a perfect kid and just be good and normal
Yesterday I wanted to commit suicide so I cut sure it wasn’t on or near the vein but I cut. Today I wanted to commit suicide so I cut right below the veins and I felt yeah I’m better now. But then the future came and my other side said “well today is pleasant isn’t it” and I thought yeah it is. “Well think about this if it is pleasant why are you still here shouldn’t you be dead anyways no one would care” so I thought ya he’s right. So I did I cut right on the veins deep deep into them I watched as I bleed then I think wait no not yet. Yet I thought yeah no one cares but the people I know will is my family members. Even though they don’t show it they say it. I don’t want my two young sister’s to go through what I went through. So I covered it held it down and waited for the blood to stop. I just thought that maybe it was not my time yet. I’ll stay for my friends and family because it’s not time just yet.
So today I met a guy really sweet and generous he went thru the same things that I have has the same things as me and we got along really well that guys in a band and going to the urban fest I can’t wait to see him again he has that guy has burn scars yet hes helping the outcasts in ways he could never imagine and I feel so glad to call him a ftiend that guy didnt say his name yet when we met next time ill update this that guy has a wonderful personality and everythings I am happy for him not giving up
Lately I’ve been having more of these relapses and hurting myself I want someone and I need some one to just help me with this ive been getting them mpre then usual now I dont know why
Hi guys I’m back my computer broke and I got a new phone so here I am how are you guys and also been busy with the band
My x is just wow he cheated on me and then all of a sudden today at lunch hes like hey i made a mistake i know and im stupid i lost the best thing ever can you give me another chance im like no
cause your a liar and cheater
so what i can change
um no ive seen how you are even now you flirt you cheat you think everythings a game well how about no you dumb fucking liar huh
….wow youre more mean
well so what everyhting thats happened to me i guess makes me abit colder and colder
ok well whatever i dont need you
ok i dont need you either ive been doing just fine with my current boyfriend so ya bye
thats how it ended like why the fick cant you admit that you are a liar and a cheater like damn and why cant you learn from it like its so hurtful and shitty you guys and even girls cheat i hate it like get your shit straight like im done bye
im tired of trying to please everyone but myself. im tired of pleasing my parents(grandparents). tired of trying to please my so called friends. tired of trying on everything. im just tired of getting up to go to the same shit everyday. getting yelled at cause im failing my classes well for your fucking information im taking pre ap which is better then regular classes and its changed since your fucking time. getting picked on made fun of being a expierment for my friends just so they can have fun cause i wont stand up for myself well guess what keep doing it but when i do something dont act all innocent cause ill fucking punch you. getting told im not trying hard enough ***** look i turn in my work i do my work i stay after school just to pass this shit so dont go around saying im not trying hard enough when im showing up to school after school too and going to your fucking class. getting told im immature im more mature then my 33 year old mother whos been sitting around no job no nothing im looking for one and going to school and im only 16 dick fuck. having to much im not you dont know what i go through just because i like skating and gaming doesnt mean shit ill proably do better then you twat fucker. see this is why i hate getting up i hate on trying i hate on doing anything im just ready to give up. im just tired ig like always but mostly im just tired on life.
fucking crappy ass friends i have. so this is how it is i decided to bring to of my friends to this band cncert thing cause i wanted to spend time with them. My other friend who is my ex, so is the one i was taking, want to go along so i said ok so i was going to buy another one. when i told them they were like if hes going then im not. i got so pissed that i said something i regreted i said fine i dont need you guys for anything anyways. this part i regret but this part i dont.=== if you wanna be judging me for bring my x fine be my fucking guest ok but just no im nt judging you fr shit i mean (the girl) youre always getting back with your ex so dont ***** at me wen i wanna hang with my ex ok. (guy) and you back the fuck up ok you dated one of my ex gf ass fuck ok. so wen it comes to me dont judge me cause i nvr once judged you for doing what you want to do ass fucking twats. after that i left. but you have to understand the girl shes the one who made me stop cutting and started to make me eat. now all i do is sit and just sleep at lunch cause i hate it but i hate her not her but her fucking action towards it. and the guy well fuck him idc hes a dick and a perv to me. but she means the world to me and to lose her just makes me feel like crap. but till she apologizes to me for her actions then fine. im not going to apologize wen its her fault. i dont care if this sounds like im a douchbag cause its fucking true . so now im starting to be nothing but honest and ppl hate it but i dont care anymore i dont i give up fck it.
So friendship is something we all have and go through the laughs the vets the betrayal. So why is it that me being an idiot doesn’t want to get close Im afraid of getting betrayed and hurt. OS that just me when I’m in a friendship or do you guys and girls have it too. I don’t want to feel like I’m the only one who pushes people away when they try and get near to you.
So im really heartbroken that my now x bf the one that helped me with everything and to get back up and feel good about my self has been cheating on me from the very beginning. Ill be taking my leave for about 2 days or maybe 2 weeks but ill try to get on a write something good for you guys. Good bye.
okay this got delted so ill write it short and simple bullying. guys making fun of me and saying really mean bullshit. they dont listen to the teacher or me so….. i told them to stfu cause they dont know me or my story or anyone to be making comments like ah im so dumb i just want to blow my brains out like stfu you twat fucker fuck sake man. I told them that isnt funny they laughed. so i got up and punched the ***** in the face like the he is. and his other two friends two i told them that they dont know what people like us go through just to made fun of. after that they stopped so hopefully they think before they say cause ill punch them in their fucking dick mouths. just ya you get it be strong and shit dont let other people make fun of you cause of how you dress and the music you hear. punch them even if you get in trouble fuck them tell them what they were saying and then just walk out of the principal if they dont listen cause your that much of a badass to stand up for yourself and others.
So these dreams that I have they are all from that voice I hear and shadow I see. All these dreams of gruesome murders I hate it. They don’t stop first it was Adam even though he passed that thing uses him against me in my dreams. Then my dad he passed away so much blood and gunshots that from that day I hated loud noises. In my dreams he makes me remember everything that happened that day. Then my cousins brother I forgot how he looked but I remember he committed suicide by hanging himself. So in the dreams he has a blank face just hiding in the shadows. My friend Jose was killed cause of me and my fcking mistakes. He uses that against me too. Then my friend Adrian from STEP died from overdose. I blamed myself for it I told him to stop he didn’t listen. So he uses Adrian against ne too. That thing uses my most precious people in my memory and everything I can do to remember them against me. Isn’t it great knowing that you were the cause for all and even single death that has come in my life. That thing doesn’t let me sleep I don’t want to cause then they come. I just want to sleep I don’t care about having him best me just leave them out and let me sleep. That thing likes getting into stuff that doesn’t involve it. Just stop giving me nightmares about how they died and why they died. Just let me have sleep for once. Fcking nightmares I know its my fault hitched doesn’t have to remind me right. Mr. Shadow here thinks otherwise. Anyways ill try to sleep now
So i get blamed for everything when it comes around my friends. They fight they put me in the middle they stop talking “omg its all your fault you shouldnt even got in it the first place” um excuse you ***** youre the one putting me in the middle of this shit so how about you fuck off you fucking ****. Relationship ends they tell me to help them cause they dont what to do i tell them straight up facts of why it didnt work “omg youre not even helping dont even try anymore okay even if i listen itll end and its going to be all your fault” well you fucking twat what is it you want from me if im not helping you how you want then leave me the fuck out. Single and ready to fucking mingle good for you but dont say” hey can you help me get this guy” and when i tell him straight up and he says no dont say” omg you ruined it me and him couldve been together forever” you fucking twat ok. You and your cheating fucking bitching face that played with my feelings and everyone else can go man the fuck and handle shit on your own. Every things always my fault because i try and fucking help right. Well let me tell you something. This person that gets blamed on for everything has been through the ups and downs of a relationships. This person has been through a abusive relationship. This person has actually tried her fucking best to please everyone and she still does. Even with all thees fucking problems and medicine i have to take i put on that fucking fake smile and laugh. I put it on help people to my full advantage and you say shit thats not even my fault but still blame it on me. Well FUCK YOU!!!! God damnit you piece of fucking shit youre always thinking youre better then me in every way with helping people making people happy and shit when in reality everyone fucking hates you. Not only me everyone you hang out with wanna know why cause youre fucking stuck up thinking youre better at everything. Saying that youve been through all the shit ive been through when in reality nothings wrong with its just that youre fucking stuck up. If youre just like me and been through the shit ive been through then have you gotten raped, molested by your own cousin, beaten by your exs, have server depression, social anxiety, adjustment anxiety, bullemia, anorexia, suicidal thoughts, anger issues, or server schizophrenia. No right then how about you shut your dirty lying mouth cause people who have anything like this or anything else go through the pain of getting called by it okay. Stop saying youre like me cause you dont know me and what ive gone through in my life okay. So saying it again say its my fucking fault again so i can tell you what everyone thinks about you. Cause i asked everyone how they felt about you and everyone said negative things. Me and you are nothing alike. I tried to help and look where its got me to. People calling me a liar fake and saying that everythings my fucking fault well when i fucking die ill tell them that you fucking caused all this shit youre making me go through ever since fucking 2nd grade ive been dealing with you . So yes everything is my fault all this that has happened is my fault does it make you feel like your fucking superior then me. One of these days ill show you who the fucking superior is you **** face.
Fucking done enjoy the reading sorry for the language this is the only place where i know people are almost alike to me. Thanks for reading and i hope you enjoyed.
So lately all my friends want me to help them with relationships of their own. I don’t know all the answers sometime and thats what usually makes me feel bad. When i can’t find out how to help i feel bad i cry and just go on a rampage. One of my exs still a very good friend of mine started to tell me to focus on my own relationship. For some reason i never listened but now a days all i try and do is be there for them. But then my so called friends make me feel like crap cause im not helping them in any way. Well of course fucking not okay i have a life i have a relationship okay i need to focus on my own if i want to be happy. See im not always going to be in their lives so they need to sort of learn to just talk to each other and work it out. I dont want to be the one that has to feel bad when everything goes down the drain cause i couldnt help. Im not going to blame for them anymore. Not their relationships or others. I learned how to deal with mine so why cant they. Im still trying to be there for them but then they just say oh you’re not even helping you’re just pretending. Thats what gets to me like why the fuck in this whole entire world would i pretend. If i was i wouldnt be sitting there right next to you listening to you while giving you hugs and patting and petting your head and give you shit to make you feel like it wasnt your fault. Like why the fuck would i do that im not that fucking type to be doing that shit cause that….thats just fucked up. So next time when im there next to you trying to help you dont go saying im fucking pretending okay.
My feelings of this topic out. I feel better thanks for reading.
P.s I will listen and give advice all im saying is just not to say im pretending or being fake. Mkay bye.
So I don’t use this kind of stuff of chats or Facebook anymore. Iive Bvb n I’m part of the Bvb army. People always tell me o you’re so imo go kill yourself just for liking them. I like botdf people tell me that its gay and tell me I’m worthless and like getting raped just cause of a band. That hurts they don’t know that I was raped when I was in fifth then 7th n 8th then freshman year. They dont know me they don’t know my story but I guess my music defines how I like to be treated. I like suicide silence so I must want to die. I like Chelsea grin so I must be satanic. I like ptv sws avenge sevenfold every band I hear defines me in a different way and how I want to be treated. So I must be wanting to be raped I must want to die I must be satanic. Maybe I should do it. I don’t but I still think maybe theyre right I probably should. I don’t know.
I don’t know what I should do. Should I or not.
Band don’t define you nothing defines you. You define yourself no one else. Not your family friend church school you yourself is the only one who can define themselves. I’m doing this cause it happens still to few and to many. When you see this help then cause you never know. You could be helping a person who was actually thinking of doing it. So next time you see something like this help and stop it.
Bullying is not right especially when a band helps that one person. Bands help doesn’t matter if gospel to death metal or country rap or anything. It doesn’t define you and how you want to be treated.
So once i had went to a aslyum for my cuts. I had met so many people had i saw past they cuts and burns they were beautiful with words and drawings and anything. But there was on that stood out the most. It was the first time ive ever seen someone with a huge deep slash on their throat. That person was always alone looking out the window like if he was waiting or just thinking. So i thought well let me see if i can talk to him. Everyone said he never talked so i thought well this is going to be difficult but ill mange. So i went up to him and said hi he turned to me and looked at me. His eyes. There was so much pain in them i felt like i was just relating to him. I couldnt help but to give him a hug even though he didnt give one back. But then i heard a thanks from him i was shocked cause he was so nice. So everyday i would try and go see him. But one day he wasnt there i keep going back hoping id see him but he was never there so i thought maybe ill met him when i get out. I became sorta of depressed while i was in there everyone else seemed a little distant cause they thought i might hurt them cause i was with him. I finally got out i said by to everyone but i couldnt to one person. Like maybe a year later i saw him. A guy with that scar on his neck. Getting jumped by guys. I told my mom to stop i got off and ran to them and told them to stop they did and they left. I looked at him he was in bad condition he had broken bones internal bleeding and he had cuts on his arms. He would try to stand but couldnt so i offered him my hand. He gripped my hand and said you remembered me. No lie i broke down and asked how i could not remember him he was the best out of all of them. Finally i got to see him. But what i didnt know was that later he wouldnt be here because i wasnt there for him when he needed me the most. I was there with him and he told me hey stay with me a little longer please. I couldnt though i had to go. What i didnt know was that he had an abusive family. I hated myself so much cause of what he put in that fucking letter. He wrote dear sam i love you i thought you know maybe you would stay cause i trusted and believed you so much. But like everyone you left me. I could visit him every once a month out of a year. I hated that i couldndt be there to prevent this from happening. Then i thought well i might as well just go on with him i cant live with myself knowing that i couldnt be there to stop this. He cut himself deep on the wrist and had took so many pills that he had died from overdose and blood loss. I found him that way on his bed. I started to just clean up his wrist and cover it i thought that would help but i saw the pills and i freaked out. I did the same thing one time i know what happens. I got on him and listen for anything but there was nothing i didnt know cpr. So i just sat there crying seeing my friend dead all cause i couldnt be there. After that i started having nightmare so i stopped sleeping. I started cutting again. I stopped talking and showing all emotions. What they never told me was there was another letter. It read “Sam by the time you get this i might be gone and i know how you are i never met to hurt you by doing what i did. You have life youre full of potiental and so much more you have to keep moving have me in mind but dont stop life cause of me. Since i know you love Nemo listen to dory JUST KEEP SWIMMING.” That was it i couldnt hold it in i laughed smiled cried went on a ramapage everything all of my emotions just poured out. I moved on i started to keep moving. I got happy but i still had nightmares about him really bad. This still happens to me this day almost every day i have different or same nightmares with him. That person is gone but in my head he lives as a dream and friend and in my heart the same way. He may have just been another person but to me he was almost my life. Thats it end of this story cant keep going with this to emotional. Thanks for reading.
Here you have to cope with idea of losing somebody that was there for you and understood you but yet somehow you failed at being there. I still try to get by this and my sleeping.
Im trying to say is be there for them even if you get in trouble cause itll let them know youre there for them. Prevent this who cares if your mom says no stay if you have to so you can prevent the mistake i did itll totally be worth it i promise you. Imagine you seeing that person every day knowing hey i did that i stayed and helped that person.